* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jessica’s shoes are atrocious—they’re like, open-toed checkerboards. I can’t think of a single thing that a person can wear with them that would make them look awesome. Speaking of wearing stuff, look at that rack of clothes. All those outfits are supposed to be high-end fashion? Only at the Salvation Army, perhaps. They look like wearable abominations. (Not that I’m knocking the Salvation Army, mind you. Just Flair magazine.)
We open today’s tale with Liz hyperventilating and crying “hot tears” because she just caught her long-suffering boyfriend Todd Wilkins “in a passionate embrace” with supermodel Simone (who, as you may recall, has been on like, two covers of Cosmo Girl and suddenly she’s a supermodel). Todd wants to talk stuff out but, in classic Elizabeth fashion, she “never wanted to see Todd again.” Because that would leave no room for unnecessary misunderstandings. What follows are pages and pages of Liz feeling sorry for herself and thinking all sorts of hypocritical thoughts (“How could you betray me like this? How could you betray us like this?”), because she’s such a saint and never cheated on Todd before, don’t you know.
And, even though Liz was such a douche pickle to her friends Enid Rollins and Maria Slater, she decides to call them up and whine about her Todd problems. This time, though, they’re not having it and totally freeze her out! It’s super awesome:
“Enid is staying over tonight,” Maria explained, her voice clipped and distant. “We’re helping each other out with stuff for our internships.”
“Oh,” Elizabeth said softly, hit with a pang of jealousy… “Why didn’t you invite me?”…
“Hmm,” Maria said. “Just a minute.” Elizabeth could tell she had covered the receiver with her hand but her muffled voice came through anyway. “Enid, Elizabeth wants to know why we didn’t invite her over.” Elizabeth heard the girls giggle, and tears welled up in her eyes again. What was going on? Was the whole world turning on her?
Enid got on the phone a moment later. “Hi, Elizabeth, it’s Enid,” she said…. “In answer to your question, we weren’t aware that you’d have time to hang out with two peons like us. You’ve been so busy with the power players that we didn’t want to disturb you.”
Elizabeth didn’t even have the energy to respond. She said goodbye quietly and hung up the phone.
Liz is such an a-hole that she can’t even bring herself to apologize—she just hangs up because they’re being so mean! She doesn’t even see how right they are! But by the end of the book, Enid and Maria decide that they’re being bad friends to Liz (which is such shit, because Liz never apologized for her behavior or had to grovel or even thought of either of THEM during this story) and effectively ruin the awesomeness they had going for them.
Meanwhile, Todd goes out with Simone, who takes him to some teenage dance club in L.A. and considers it “living on the edge.” I hope she’s saying that while popping Ecstasy. Speaking of los drogas, something odd happens:
“Hey, you wanna join the love parade?” a sultry voice whispered in his ear.
“Huh?” Todd said, blinking. He turned to see a woman with short scarlet hair standing by his side. She had a nose ring and a lip ring. A trail of dancers followed her in a line, bobbing rhythmically in an almost hypnotic state.
“It’s a communion with Being,” she said. “You close your eyes and let the music fill your body.”
“C’mon, get in line,” urged a blond woman with a silver streak in her hair. “You’ll see. It’s a natural high.”
WTF? I have no idea what any of that meant. I need a sixteen-year-old to explain it to me. Anyway, then Todd starts having all sorts of whiny troubles with his parents when they ground him for staying out too late with Simone, so he threatens to move out. Yawn.
And what’s Miss Jessica up to? Well, she’s seduced top photographer Quentin Berg—her boss, really—in order to become a model but has accidentally booked a date with him on the same night she agreed to go on with the boy she really likes, lowly mail room cutie Cameron Smith. She keeps both dates and arranges for them to be at the same restaurant. Are they seriously going to rip off #62 – Who’s Who? THEY ARE! I can’t believe they’re stealing their own premise. Actually, I can. And like last time, Liz orders stuff that Jessica hates, they go in the bathroom to switch accessories, and they’re seriously trying to pass this off like they hadn’t done it all before.
Then Cameron notices that Liz is wearing a watch and knows the score, while Quentin bores Jess with his pompousness, but Jess sticks with him anyway in hopes he can help her with her career. She seizes her opportunity by exposing a role of Quentin’s film of Simone after Simone had a particularly bratty day on the set and so Jessica gets to be a model for the day. But then she realizes that Cameron is actually pissed at her (imagine that!) and she suddenly realizes she’s in love with him, so she cries and he forgives her. But then he sees her kissing Quentin (it’s for her career, you guys!) and gets pissed again.
But back to Liz! Leona Pierson turns Liz into her personal slave when she breaks her leg skiing and has her go to her house to do all sorts of shit, and Liz finds a tape recorder full of Leona’s dictation, during which she takes credit for one of Liz’s ideas for a new column that Leona’d previously dismissed. Everyone’s always stealing Liz’s ideas! It’s because they’re so awesome! Liz realizes then that “work was bogus,” until she dreams up a plan to screw over their boss. Good idea!
Other Notes:
- So after all these years of hating on size eights and above, this story decides to hate on skinny chicks as well, calling Simone’s legs “storklike” and saying she looked like a “starvation victim.” This just goes to show that a size six really is the perfect size!
- Maria walks into the Dairi Burger and is met with whistles and catcalls. Right, I’m sooo sure, especially considering what Maria’s wearing: “a pale blue forties dress with huge square buttons and thick army boots on her feet. An exotic green silk scarf was tied over her head, hiding her hair completely.” And Bruce Patman, in earnest, calls out, “Lookin’ good!” I’M SOSOSO SURE!
- Since Maria Slater is black, Enid tries to hook Maria up with a black guy. “‘He has beautiful ebony skin.’ Enid knew that the last detail would get Maria. Even though her friend didn’t prefer any single type, she had a soft spot for really dark-skinned guys.” I like how this is SVH’s way to avoid addressing a biracial relationship.
- Flair wants to run a special issue all about ANCIENT GREECE. “The travel section will contain a layout on Mediterranean holidays and the issue will contain feature articles on ancient mythology and on the lives of Greek and Roman women in ancient times, with an emphasis on social structure, women’s issues, sexism, and so forth.” Okay, what the hell? Is this National Geographic for teens? Why is a fifteen-year-old who loves Flair going to give a crap about sexism in ancient Athens?
- I’m just still laffing about Todd actually being a male model.
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