* Photo credit to The Closet *
On the inside of this cover, we see all sorts of scenes that never happened in this book, like Jess and Liz running from the law, Bruce Patman giving Jess daisies (as if), and…LIZ canoodling with some dude by the pool. That’s definitely Liz. Why is she on the inside flap of Jess’s diary?
Ugh. This one’s so boring, you guys. I have about five sentences to say about it.
Jess goes out with Michael Lewis, who’s not just anybody, you know: “Michael is a football player. In fact, he’s a linebacker, with shoulders that go on forever.” He’s also a senior, a fantastic kisser and hilarious, has a Matthew McConaughey drawl, and worships Jess so much that he wants to make it official. This horrifies Jess, who is content with flitting from dude to dude, so Michael breaks it off with her, leaving Jess with no date for the dance on Friday.
After getting a lot of flack from her friends about the cons of playing the field, Jess winds up alone in her sweatshirt on the night of the dance and attempts to watch an indie flick called Checkered Houses, which just so happens to be dedicated to her! This gets Jess going on how much she sacrificed for her poor dead ex-boyfriend Sam Woodruff, and she turns to her diary to recap the following:
83 – Steven’s Bride
84 – The Stolen Diary
85 – Soap Star
86 – Jessica Against Bruce
87 – My Best Friend’s Boyfriend
88 – Love Letters For Sale
89 – Elizabeth Betrayed
90 – Don’t Go Home With John
91 – In Love With A Prince
92 – She’s Not What She Seems
93 – Stepsisters
94 – Are We In Love?
The secret plot woven into all these Jessica-centric summaries is that after her stint on The Young and the Beautiful (which everyone in Hollywood saw—does everyone in Tinseltown really pay that much attention to the soaps?), a hot young director named Charles Sampson rolled up in his Mustang when she was strutting down the street and begged her to be in his movie Checkered Houses. The premise: A girl who is “torn between a conventional suburban existence and a life of urban adventure and excitement.”
Jess turned him down because Sam made her promise to grow up before getting famous again since she acted like such a douche last time. But Charles pleaded with her to at least read for the role in front of a producer so he could finance his project, which she does. Afterward, she and Charles get stranded on the side of the road and he confessed his undying love for the teenager. She turned down the part for good because of her devotion to Sam.
Then the reminiscing is over, and Jess pines for Sam and watches Checkered Houses “to remember what [she] did—or in this case, didn’t do—for love.”
Honestly, I have no idea why this book was written. Arrggghh, it just sucked so much!
Other Notes:
- Jess hits on some dude named Steve Anderson, who’s already going to the dance with Suzanne Devlin. Apparently Jess had “seen them together in the cafeteria a lot in the past few weeks,” but someone forgot to tell the ghostie that Suzanne lives 3K miles away. Shun!
- Jess vows to visit Cara Walker in London as soon as school lets out. Naturally, this is an empty promise that doesn’t even get carried out in a super special. Why didn’t the twins think of visiting Cara when they were running from a murderous freak who thought he was a werewolf?
- Creepy alert! Jess writes, “When Steven smiles, he is one of the most gorgeous hunks you have ever seen. Even if he is my brother. No, especially since he’s my brother!” EwWwwwWWW!
- Jess’s views on sexytime: “I’d never admit this to anyone but you, Diary, but as much as I like kissing, the thought of actual sex is scary. (Intriguing, yes. But scary.)” The thought of the Wakefield twins and the SVH gang even knowing what sex is even more frightening.
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