* Photo credit to The Closet *
My only consolation in reading a third secret Elizabeth diary is that I’ll never have to read another one again. This volume was especially aggravating.
Todd Wilkins mysteriously breaks a standard Friday-night date with Liz without explanation and gets off the phone too quick for her liking, so she wonders if they’re over. All this pondering about the state of her relationship puts Liz in a reflective, nostalgic mood, and she longs for one of her many secret loves: Sam Woodruff. GTFO of here with these LIES. Is it possible for the twins to not share a boyfriend just once? The fact that Liz got to Sam ten books before Jess ever did just like she did Ken Matthews makes me wanna do the Technicolor spew. Quit disgusting me, Liz.
So how’d this freaky-deeky and completely unnatural union come to be? Well, while Liz reads her diary “through eyes clouded with tears” and recaps the following books—
71 – Starring Jessica!
72 – Rock Star’s Girl
73 – Regina’s Legacy
74 – The Perfect Girl
75 – Amy’s True Love
76 – Miss Teen Sweet Valley
77 – Cheating To Win
78 – The Dating Game
79 – The Long-Lost Brother
80 – The Girl They Both Loved
81 – Rosa’s Lie
82 – Kidnapped By The Cult!
—she remembers a time when she was feeling uber bored with Todd. “We really need to rekindle magic in our relationship, Diary. Any suggestions?” Surprisingly, Diary has none. One day, she sees the most gorgeous dude—Sam—at the beach, with water droplets glistening on his pectorals. When she can’t stop thinking about him, she goes to the beach and literally chases him down to introduce herself. Sam tells her he’s noticed her too, but that she was always with some guy—a.k.a. Whizzer Wilkins—but Liz assures him that she and Todd are just “really close friends.” Why are the ghosties doing this to me? Did they finally just say “Screw it” and give up on ever making Liz likable? She says all sorts of gross things to justify her cheating, like that Sam’s given her a “glimpse of a whole new world of adventure and laughter and possibility” and naturally feels that Sam understands her better than poor Todd does. Yak.
Sam starts showing up unannounced just to see Liz because he wants to make their affair (that he doesn’t know is an affair) public and official, but Liz doesn’t want to be made into an honest woman; she would prefer to have her scone and eat it too. However, the guilt gets to be too much for her, so she calls it off and runs away crying, leaving Sam looking at the ocean all forlorn. Then she calls Sam to meet her, and she smooches him and makes him promise to keep their sordid romance a secret for all time. Sam, why are you going along with this bee ess? Finally, Sam spots Liz canoodling with Todd and gets pissed and shuns her, leaving Liz to cry some more, an act that really charms me, to be sure.
Liz soon goes on with her life as usual and forgets all about Sam, until she sees him scoping out Jessica. That’s when she busts out her self-righteous “How could he act as if there was nothing between us?” nonsense. As you know, Jess meets Sam and falls head over feet, while Liz suffers. When she gets a chance to talk to Sam privately, Liz’s all like, “Wah! Why are you doing this to me?” conveniently forgetting that this is all her fault, and he’s like, “I’m nuts about [Jess.] You know why? Because maybe she looks just like you, but that’s where the resemblance ends. I know she doesn’t already have a boyfriend. I know I can trust her.”” He burns her and good. Oh, Sam. You were so cool. Why’d you have to die?Oh right, because LIZ MURDERED YOU.
Anyway, when he sees her again, he apologizes to her for no real reason I can see. They agree to never speak of their sick love again, and must wipe their memories clean a la MIB because Liz doesn’t bother to reflect on their clandestine relationship once in the series after he died.
Once finished reading, Liz sighs, thinking about how poor Sam is dead (but not that he died in her car while she was driving, no, that would show too much soul). Then she’s inadvertently rewarded for cheating because Todd shows up on her stoops with a gold locket for her, and she vows to love him forever. The end! And fuck you, Liz.
Other Notes:
- Who’s that dark-haired dude on the inside cover supposed to be? Don’t tell me Todd, who underwent a Darren Stevens situation and that’s neither of the two actors, and don’t tell me Sam, who has curly blond hair, as the book repeats over and over. So who is this random-ass guy?
- Liz weighs in on Robin Wilson’s anorexia problem: “We set this impossible standard for ourselves and then feel terrible when we don’t live up to it. I mean, how many people really look like supermodels?” Um, you and Jess? What is all this “we” business—does that mean “everyone in the world except me”?
- The only movie these teens ever go out to see (over and over) is Casablanca. This time Liz was sobbing to Todd about it as she privately made parallels to her own life. Gross.
- Remember when Liz almost died on a motorcycle? Now the thought of riding a motorcycle arouses her—she confides in Sam about her “secret fantasy”: “dressing in skintight black leather and riding a Harley.” Oh, shut the hell up, Liz.
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