* Photo credit to The Closet *
“Open at your own risk” is right—open at your own risk of dying of boredom or over exposure to copious amounts of hypocrisy. Even though this completely needless book resulted in the skim of all skims, I have discerned three things:
- Elizabeth Wakefield is, in fact, the world’s biggest douchebag.
- She is aware of this fact.
- But she doesn’t even care!
Mere words cannot adequately express my hatred for Liz, so subjecting myself to reading the second installment of her diary has me all but running for the nearest cliff ledge. The book recaps Liz-centric scenes from books #57 (although it claims to recap from #55) to #70, and I didn’t want to put myself through reading that drivel again, so let’s just recap the new stuff.
Liz is on a date with Todd Wilkins and is inwardly confessing to all these things that are so obvious to the rest of us. Por ejemplo:
“I have to admit it: there are advantages to dating a guy whose family is loaded… Of course, money doesn’t matter… I guess I’m always saying things like that…to anyone who will listen. But I looked at the pretty restaurant and Todd’s expensive new tie and the scrumptious desserts, and I told myself I had to face facts: as much as I try to hide it, Elizabeth Wakefield is as materialistic as anyone. And I like the fringe benefits of dating the son of the president of Varitronics… Does that make me a hypocrite? Everyone says I’m selfless and generous and thoughtful. It’s Jessica who’s supposed to be hung up on superficial things like money and clothes and looks. But maybe I’m no better than she is. Maybe I’m worse, since I pretend to be different.”
Please keep in mind that is on page 5, after she’s already called Lila Fowler herself a rich snob not once but twice. I’m pretty much typing this with fists.
And the arrogance continues!:
“As long as I’m doing the true-confessions thing, I’ll admit something else that nobody realizes: I’m a lot more vain about my looks than I let on. I know that I’m attractive; I just don’t broadcast to the world that I’m devastatingly gorgeous, the way Jessica does.”
It is a miracle I made it to page 10, let alone finished this overblown, 300+ pages of conceit.
Anyway, Todd tells Liz that his old girlfriend, Michelle Thomas from his Vermont days, is coming to stay with his family because she’s having family problems, and Liz hits the roof. She actually jumps up mid-dinner, flees the restaurant, and takes a cab home. She avoids his phone calls and has Enid come over for more Project C.C.Cookie nonsense. Todd swings by with Michelle because Liz is, as usual, avoiding his calls, and doesn’t even attempt to put up her sweet front:
“I’ll be covering sports [for the school paper in Burlington], mostly,” Michelle said. “Todd says you’re a whiz at any kind of writing. I’m not very good at it, but I’m hoping I can learn fast.”
“Don’t sell yourself short,” I said in the coldest voice I could muster… “I bet your writing is really…memorable. And I’m sure you’re right about being fast.”
Oh. My dear. Todd and Michelle leave in shock, and Enid basically tells Liz she’s a c-rag:
“Liz, there’s a difference between standing up for yourself and being outright rude!… In all the time we’re been friends, I’ve never known you to be intentionally mean and hurtful!…You don’t even know Michelle!…And she doesn’t owe you anything. Todd’s the one you’re mad at. But you love Todd, so it’s easier to be mean to Michelle… And if you loved him, you wouldn’t be choosing his friends for him.”
Why is Liz always presented as the voice of reason when it’s apparently Enid? Anyway, Liz feels contrite and brings some cookies over to Todd so they can kiss and make up, but he’s already making out with Michelle on his back porch. “You’re a fake and a phony,” etc. ensues. She runs home and reads her diary concerning the following books:
57 – Teacher Crush
58 – Brokenhearted
59 – In Love Again
60 – That Fatal Night
61 – Boy Trouble
62 – Who’s Who?
63 – The New Elizabeth
64 – The Ghost Of Tricia Martin
65 – Trouble At Home
66 – Who’s To Blame?
67 – The Parent Plot
68 – The Love Bet
69 – Friend Against Friend
70 – Ms. Quarterback
Interwoven in these recaps are all these times she went running back to her ex, Jeffrey French, every time Todd didn’t understand her properly and because Jeffrey was the only one who liked her new perm. I can’t believe her audacity to turn to him for counseling after she dumped him as soon as Todd came back into the picture. She even stuffs Jeffrey in her closet when Todd climbs up her trellis in the middle of the night and they make out in her room! But ultimately (obviously), she chose Todd, and by the epilogue, if your eyes are still open, Liz realizes she’s a hypocrite and runs back to Todd, who is crying by Secca Lake. They make up, primarily because Michelle conveniently went back to Vermont early.
But eff all that! Let’s hear some poetry from Elizabeth Wakefield, the best writer in all of Sweet Valley. Wait, why stop there? In all of California, even! In all of the world!
There once was a girl named Michelle
whose motto was ‘I kiss and tell.’
She took her best shot—
my boyfriend she caught.
She’s the Basketball Groupie from Hell.The Choice
How to choose between the sun and moon?
Which is happier: May or June?
You make me dream. He makes me smile.
But triangle love is not my style.
Two in love is what should be.
I never meant to be
one of three.The Good Twin
Early to bed and early to rise
Responsible, sensitive, loving, and wise
I do what I’m told and never am late
So slow to anger; never show hate.
Trapped in a box built on unspoken lies
While inside, a tiny flame sputters
and dies.
Please read her poetry and remember that it was Liz’s amazing writing skills that helped her outshine an entire class of college kids. Sweet Valley University is obviously comprised of every moronic co-ed in California.
Other Irritants:
- Liz writes in her diary like it’s a person: “What’s happening to this family, Diary?” It doesn’t know, Liz. I’m sure if it were more than a few sheets of bound, lined paper, it would tell you.
- “With Todd’s move to Vermont, I’d become an expert on long-distance romances.” Um, except for not really, because you guys broke up the same book he moved away. Idiot!
- “[Todd] was wearing the blue and white plaid flannel shirt that usually makes my fingers itch to touch him. He was so cute and so sexy that for a few minutes I forgot that I don’t believe in love anymore.” LOLOL.
- Liz actually writes “Hip, hip, hooray!” in her diary.
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