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Magna Edition: Return Of The Evil Twin

Magna Edition: Return of the Evil Twin

* Photo credit to The Closet *

It’ll be downright impossible to suspend belief for this WACKY story, but it’s a requirement if you want to get past the first chapter.

So it’s nearly a year in Sweet Valley time after Margo tried to murder Liz on New Year’s and take over her identity, but the twins are still juniors. Ned and Alice Wakefield, of course, are over it and plan on partying it up with the neighbors on New Year’s Eve instead of staying inside and locking their children in with them to ensure their safety. Classic them.

Liz and Jess collaborate on doing a fund-raising carnival for Dec. 31 to raise money for a children’s hospital, and everything is going just swimmingly. That is, until Liz’s boyfriend Todd Wilkins’s car swerves out of control and teeters on the edge of a cliff, and Jess comes along and drags him to safety just in time.

This is the start of a beautiful bond between Jess and Todd, who’s grateful to her for saving his life. Liz, however, is not grateful her brave sister averted the death of her boyfriend; she’s insanely jealous about it. She even goes to him in the hospital while he’s suffering a head injury and makes him tell her he still loves her. As uncute as this is, it’s even less cute when you remember Liz played an active role in Jessica’s boyfriend getting killed previously. Have I mentioned how much I hate Liz?

The twins fight but make up Christmas morning and all is roses and peaches…for now. Dun dun dun!

Meanwhile, in Savannah, GA, the father of yet another Wakefield-lookalike, Nora Chapelle, has just died. Her stepmother gives her $50K to vanish forever and informs her that she had a twin sister who’d been given up for adoption a billion years ago because she was a psychotic pain in the ass. If you guessed that twin was the infamous Margo, you should go play the lottery today! Just think: All this only gets better, and by “better,” I mean even more farfetched.

Nore does some research on her long-lost sis. Ultimately, she learns that, after murdering a slew of people, Margo died last New Year’s in an effort to become a Wakefield twin. Her logical reaction to this news about a family member she’s never met is to vow to carry out Margo’s legacy and see her plan to completion. God.

Nora goes to the cemetery where her sister’s grave is and finds Margo there. She’s not a ghost, you guys—it turns out that she’s not dead after all! And just why is she hanging around her own grave, at that very moment? Because the world of Sweet Valley isn’t full of enough coincidences as it is.

Speaking of overly convenient plot points, to explain her non-death last New Year’s, Margo reports that she has a miraculous ability to hold her breath for more than three minutes and can even slow her pulse. This magic trick allowed her to fool an absolutely enormous amount of people—including medical professionals—that she died. Hold up, so three minutes was all it took for everyone to load her onto a stretcher and put her in an ambulance? And what about the glass that wound up in her throat? Someone please address this.

Anyway, she then murdered the EMTs and then drove the ambulance into a lake and escaped that way. HUH?! And the Wakefields never knew about this? If a murderer was after you and apparently died, and you read in the newspaper that the murderer’s body was never recovered, would you be able to sleep at night? How could you just ignore that? How could you not already know that? What is wrong with everyone?

Margo and Nora decide to team up and take out the Wakefields together, although they argue about who gets to be Jessica, since it’s even obvious to them that being Liz sucks. But before any bloodshed can occur, N&M first must make J&E pissed off at each other. The rationale is to separate the twins to more easily pick them off without activating any special twin powers. To get this ball rolling, Nora-as-Elizabeth goes on a date with Todd and ensures that Liz sees them “necking.” As intended, Liz thinks it’s Jess who’s canoodling with Todd and promptly shits Frisbees. She refuses to talk to the real Jess and even slaps ol’ Toddy across the face! Drama!

The night of the NYE carnival rolls around, and Liz still won’t condescend to speak to Jess or Todd. However, she rues that decision later when Nora creeps into Jessica’s bedroom and STABS HER TO DEATH. For real real! The bloody body is discovered, which means only Nora or Margo can take over Liz now. Nora—whose brain has completely short-circuited—wants to be a Wakefield so bad that she determines that she must kill Margo before Margo kills her.

Meanwhile, Liz is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and keeps insisting that Margo killed Jess. Then come those aforementioned special twin powers: She senses that Jess is still alive—and somewhere in the hallowed halls of Sweet Valley High! Nothing of importance ever strays very far from that dump, does it?

Nora has a feeling that Margo—not Jess—is the one hiding in the school. That’s how both she and Liz—who somehow fucking steals a cop’s gun—end up in the basement of the school and find Jess tied up. Nora realizes then that she murdered Margo, her own twin sister, that night. After a struggle, Nora gets hauled away and the book ends with “And the twins made a silent vow that they would never go to bed angry again.” The end!

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

As it turned out, Margo had kidnapped Jess from the House of Mirrors at the carnival and brought her to the school. This is the most questionable thing of all: WHY WOULD MARGO EVER DO THAT? There is no way. Margo wouldn’t take over being Jess if Jess was still alive; she wouldn’t risk it. She has shown follow-through on plenty of murders—why not this one, conceivably the most important one of all? Why would she be so irresponsible about something she’s been waiting for more than a year for? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Oh, dear. I’m filled with hatred again!

Other Notes:

  • This is Ned’s idea of a joke in response to Jess reading the newspaper: “Is it possible that our daughter was abducted by aliens while we slept and replaced by a Jessica look-alike?” Seriously, Ned? Your other daughter was nearly murdered by a look-alike last year. WTF is wrong with you?
  • Speaking of Ned, he and Alice are fooled by Nora and Margo when they show up, acting like Liz and Jess. I officially hate these parents for being so fucking stupid.
  • More than two thousand people show up for Jess’s memorial service (held at the damn school). Scoff.
  • None of the Sweet Valley cops brush anything for fingerprints or check DNA or do much of anything that makes sense in a murder case. No wonder all the teenagers think they’re useless.

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Bruce is a real wanderer, coming and going to every female in Sweet Valey! But you know somewhere that he is COMING and GOING ait the same time? His underpants!

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