* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jessica’s secret diary—more proof that the “Secret Diary” idea is an abomination.
Jess is at Bruce Patman’s beach house party with new beau, college man Jack Wayland. He’s shy about chatting about love, but Jess swears up and down that this is the real deal. They take a moonlit walk, during which she confesses “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” (Yes, even Sam.) To this, Jack responds, “Jessica, I’m in love with your sister, Elizabeth.” In italics! So you know he’s super serious! Jess bursts into tears and decides to run away from home, to a land where no one has ever heard of such a concept as twins, when she stumbles across her old diaries… You know what that means: Cue the recapping of:
31 – Taking Sides
32 – The New Jessica
33 – Starting Over
34 – Forbidden Love
35 – Out Of Control
36 – Last Chance
37 – Rumors
38 – Leaving Home
39 – Secret Admirer
40 – On The Edge
During this time, Jessica does something shocking: NOTHING. There are zero secrets to confess. Except for she occasionally thinks Jeffrey French (“The World’s Most Attractive Boy”) is hot, and on one occasion, pretends to be Liz so she can go on a date with him. One thing leads to another, they smooch, and then Jeffrey realizes that he’s got the wrong twin? What does he do then? Kisses her “even more passionately” than before! And then! Nothing. Regina dies, and Jeffrey and Jessica share a meaningful nod or whatever at her funeral: “We didn’t say anything, but we both understood. Elizabeth comes first.”
And the conclusion? There isn’t one! The epilogue is sincerely half a page, and all of Jess crying! I just have to share with you exactly how the story ends, for the sake of taking up space:
After the tears stopped, I rose from my chair. Piece by piece, I slowly pulled the clothes from my suitcase, folded them neatly and place them in my dresser drawers—handling each item as if it were heavy and very, very fragile.
FIN! What the fuck was that? Did the writer leave to go help the artist poop out the cover and forget to finish properly? I can’t believe four more of these secret diaries followed.
Other Notes:
- “This day stunk. It blew chunks, as Bruce would say.” When would Bruce Patman ever say that?
- Actually, there was one shocking instance in this story: no boy climbed up the trellis into a twin’s room after hours!
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