* Photo credit to The Closet *
Now for the conclusion of our vampire trilogy—and this book marks the end to the illustrated covers! ARE EYE PEE.
When we last left off, Jess was dry humping Jonathan in an upstairs bedroom and her sister Liz had just passed out because Amy Sutton’s cousin Katrina was just found dead at Jonathan’s party. Dramatics! Liz immediately springs up from her unconscious state and instantly starts barking for people to call 9-1-1 and administering CPR (because in all the time she was passed out, no one else thought to do anything). Enid Rollins is pissed: “Some party! Katrina Sutton dropped dead, and Jessica stole Jonathan away from me.” Yes, corpses can really be such an inconvenience. Enid tries to impress Jonathan in the midst of all the commotion by taking it upon herself to clean his house: “Enid leaned back and closed her eyes, imagining the grateful look on Jonathan’s face when she offered to vacuum and dust after the party.” Is she doing it in a French maid costume? If not, she’s woefully misguided.
But poor Enid: Jonathan thinks only of Jess, and is constantly moaning when he ponders how beautiful she is, as well as “so sweet and willing.” Ch-yah! He takes her to O-town, too (“I’m going to show you something wonderful,” he says [you’re a shotgun—bang! what’s up with that thang? I wanna know, how does it hang?]), with lots of raven imagery, and then we get this (I just have to share):
Jessica’s eyes filled with tears as her heart overflowed with tenderness and love. She wrapped her arms around Jonathan and turned her head, silently urging him to continue. Jonathan groaned and pressed harder, sucking hungrily at her neck. “Oh yes,” Jessica gasped, digging her fingers into the soft dirt at her sides. She felt as though hot syrup were pulsing through her veins. A sense of tingling delight began to flow through her. The pleasure grew slowly at first, then faster, until the whole world was spinning out of control. She could feel Jonathan’s heart pounding as fast as her own. An incredible need blazed through her, engulfing her body, her mind, her very soul.
And then Jessica promptly passes out. Daaaaaaammn. Like Prince said, you’re a sexy mutha.
Ned and Alice Wakefield are so freaked out that their daughters broke the 10 p.m. curfew that they ground the girls and forbid them to see Jonathan Cain. Jess turns into a raving lunatic at the thought and throws a temper tantrum that would make the brattiest three-year-old proud, and somehow this behavior works on N&A and gets them to agree to have Jonathan Cain over to sup with them. Jonathan dines with the Wakefields and Alice bores everyone with interior decorating stories and Liz interrogates Jonathan during dinner like they’re auditioning for Law & Order until Ned finally tells her to shut up.
Katrina’s funeral rolls around, and afterward, Enid stays behind to talk to Katrina’s grave, and Jona—er, some random, nameless guy attacks her and drains her of blood until she’s at death’s door,. Then he feels sort of bad about being a jerk to her—you know, dumping her for a Wakefield and nearly murdering her and all—and takes her to the hospital, where she lays in a coma. Everyone feels bad about it, even Lila Fowler: “Right now it doesn’t matter that the girl has no fashion sense or style whatsoever. I feel really sorry for her anyway.”
Meanwhile, Todd Wilkins has been a pillar of strength for Liz during her mental breakdown, while Joey Mason—the college boy she dumped ol’ Toddy for—thinks Liz is a totally irritating psychopath, and frankly, I don’t blame him: Liz won’t shut the fuck up about her sister and Jonathan Cain and is freaking stalking Jess everywhere. Of course, SVH tries to make us think that Joey’s the one who’s the jerk, when in fact, Liz is just a pain in the ass.
When Enid wakes up from her coma for two seconds to utter the word “Jonathan,” Liz shits a brick and immediately believes Jonathan was the one who hurt Enid. Jess is like, “Enid Rollins mumbles my boyfriend’s name, and you automatically assume he’s a serial killer?” and Liz is like, “I know it’s hard to believe something so terrible about a guy you care for…” Ugh, Liz, you’re insane. To “prove” Jonathan is a vampire (that’s a bit of leap there), she actually breaks into Jonathan’s house by busting a window and steals a bunch of vampire books. What exactly does that truly prove? That’d be like saying I own a bunch of Sweet Valley High books so clearly I must respect the fine literary quality of these works.
Anyway, the killer is still at large and the Sweet Valley gang is upset, to say the least. Kirk “the Jerk” Anderson can’t even sleep at night, you guys. So Bruce Patman and Amy Sutton front a mob of teenagers to go after the perp, whoever it is, because the police suck. And everyone chants, “Kill the killer, kill the killer…” right in the cafeteria. Mr. Collins, why aren’t you controlling your flock? Everyone convenes at the Patman shack and Liz bursts in with her vampire theory, and everyone totally buys it without hesitation or doubt. What the flip?
Liz somehow manages to still be shocked when the angry teenage mob wants to go out and drive a stake through Jonathan’s heart, even though she did just tell them he was an undead serial killer. She calls Joey and asks him for help, but he’s smart enough to be like, “Um, no.” But Todd doesn’t share Joey’s intelligence, and he helps Liz by driving her to Jonathan’s Batcave. Meanwhile, Jonathan is all set to sire Jess at his super special ocean hideout and skip town with her when Liz arrives, and he sees that Jessica belongs in the sun, while he must live in the darkness, and he turns into a crow and flies away. And Liz and Todd make out. Ugh
Other Notes:
- I enjoy that when Liz is harping on Jess about seeing Jonathan, Jess is all, “I guess because you’re so mixed up about Todd and Joey, you just can’t understand how it is to love only one guy.” BURN, Liz! I love how people are starting to throw her shit back in her face. Not that it makes a difference, but still.
- This is how Bruce Patman exacts revenge: “We can trap the killer with a decoy. We’ll take a life-size doll, fix it up so it looks like an average kid, and leave it in a deserted part of town. Then we wait in our cars. When the murderer appears, we run him down.” I guess money really can’t buy brains.
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