* Photo credit to The Closet *
So the Palisades High dudes all tricked Winston Egbert into going to an abandoned warehouse, where they all jumped him and beat him senseless. Whaaa? Not Winston! The very idea of nearly slaughtering the gangly SVH class clown is depraved. Anyway, all the SVH guys went to the warehouse to save/avenge Winston and it ended up in a teenage, non-fatal bloodbath. The whole thing is so surreal; Bruce Patman even gets pressed face down to the ground and read his rights, and Todd Wilkins gets hauled away in handcuffs. Why am I so turned on right now? Todd and Bruce share a cell with two other Palisades guys, and Todd can’t resist slugging one, so he has to go to court and get community service and blah blah.
Anyway, all the SVH guys are pissed at Liz and consider her a traitor since she’s the one who called the cops, but that’s nothing compared to how they feel about Jessica, who’s fallen in love with reformed Palisades gang leader / personal surfing trainer Christian Gorman, with whom she cheated on SVH football captain and former boyfriend, Ken “All American” Matthews. While all these dudes are pounding on each other at the warehouse, Jess escapes with Christian to go make out. Tact, plz. On the bathroom wall is written, “For a good back-stab, call the Wakefield babes.” I like how even in that insult, the twins are still complimented on their healthy California good looks. Bruce and his friends taunt Liz and Jess about their Benedict Arnold antics, and Liz declares on behalf of all the SVH girls (because who wouldn’t do whatever a Wakefield said?) that none of them are going to put out until the violence ends. For real real!
Then Rosie Shaw, girlfriend of the Palisades Pumas’ quarterback Greg McMullen, approaches Liz, feeds her ego, and insists she wants to end the war between the schools too, and that’s all it takes to buy Liz’s trust. Liz even confides in Rosie that Jess and Christian are dating—way to use your brain, Wakefield. Liz and Rosie devise a plan to meet with both groups separately and say the other gang is over all this fighting, but it turns out that Rosie just orchestrated a giant setup for the Palisades dudes to sneak attack the SVH guys at Bruce Patman’s mansion, decked out in war paint and brass knuckles. Then she sits in a lawn chair and watches all the boys beat the shit out of each other. She’s so ChaCha DiGregorio in my head right now.
Christian shows up to beg everyone to give peace a chance, but to no avail. The Wakefield twins and Enid Rollins show up at the scene just in time to see Christian pull some Palisades guy off Ken, get punched himself, and fall in the pool, and this time a pool fall is fatal! Jess dives in and gets him, but he’s got a broken neck and saving him is out of the question, and his death sufficiently ends the battle between the schools. Then a few weeks after, Jess goes head-to-head with Rosie Shaw in The Big Surfing Competition and wins using Christian’s surfboard, making Christian’s purpose in life to end a five-second “war” between SVH and Palisades High and to give Jessica Wakefield the gift of surfing. Nice.
Other Notes:
- Lila Fowler and Amy Sutton watch the warehouse battle/arrest from the hood of Lila’s lime green Triumph, atop which they spread a Persian rug to sit upon. That’s awesome.
- After knocking the wind out of Ken during a football game, the Palisades’ guys call him “little windbag.” I don’t know why this is such an awful name, but for some reason, it is! I feel embarrassed for him! Somehow, “little testicles” wouldn’t even be worse.
- During his ruthless beating, Winston says he’d “been tempted to cry like a baby and beg for mercy, but he didn’t”, and then—while battling a concussion—he insists through a swollen lips, “I zidn’t cry.” OH! WINSTON! I want to hug him, the galoot.
- You’d think after her one of her previous debacles [1] [2], Jess wouldn’t be so quick to pick up guys on the beach.
- Ronnie Edwards is now going by “Ron.” You’re still a dingus to me, dude.
- This story puts Jess’s dead boyfriend count at three! It’s a wonder she still manages to find a date.
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