* Photo credit to The Closet *
So: war. What is it good for? Apparently, a three-part miniseries.
Jess wakes up from having fainted in the gravel at the sight of the SVH and Palisades High boys pummeling each other (i.e., her illicit new love Christian Gorman punching out her boyfriend Ken Matthews) outside Liz’s stupid give-peace-a-chance dance. But Liz calls the cops like a lame-o and all the dudes take off, and they’ve never been so hot, escaping the fuzz via dark alleys covered in their rivals’ blood. Just listen to this: “Aaron Dallas had a black eye. Football player Zack Johnson’s nose was bleeding. Todd’s jaw was bruised and swollen, while Ronnie Edwards’ cheek was scraped raw. Ken himself could feel blood dripping down his chin from a split lip.” MOAN! That makes me almost want even Ronnie. Even Amy Sutton agrees: “This probably sounds kinky, but I think guys getting all sweaty and panting and punching each other is kind of sexy.”
In the days following, while Ken is off playing the SVH avenger, Jess is trying not to appear totally repulsed at his touch while continuing to rush off to the beach to roll around in the sand with Christian. At first, Christian tells Jess that they can’t meet up anymore because “it’s awkward.” Jess is ready to take a nap in the garage with the Jeep’s engine running at this news, even though she thinks it should be easy to forget Christian—“after all, in many ways he was still a stranger to her.” In fact, she knows nothing about him except “his eyes glowed like stars when he moved close to kiss her.” So gross. But of course Christian recants his decision a whole day later. Who can resist J. Wake, after all?
Guess what else! Liz and Todd have a fight! This time it’s because Todd is a Neanderthal and Liz is a douche. She whines that Todd and the gang ruined the dance so she joins the “task force” to help bridge the divide between the schools and writes an anti-rivalry editorial for The Oracle. “Peace made perfect sense, and she was confident that as soon as they read her editorial, her fellow students—even Todd and Bruce and the rest of the boys—would see it her way.” Of course she’s confident; who wouldn’t be down with The Liz Wakefield Way? Then Todd throws an SVH-only party, and Liz thinks she’s above heeding to the guest list so she invites her Palisades friends, and she’s actually shocked when Todd kicks them out of his house. Unfortunately, Todd apologizes to Liz the next day and begs her for another chance. What is wrong with the world that everyone must kiss Liz’s ass? Oh, right: because she’s good. And kind. And honesty person—oh, fuck this.
The dudes organize Guys’ Night Out (GNO) to get together and discuss slashing tires on cars belonging to Palisades’ dudes. Letting the air out just won’t do! Winston Egbert thinks the dudes are out of control, but he agrees to go along with their sordid plans so he doesn’t look like a wuss. When Winston is seen reluctantly puncturing a tire, the Palisades gang later lures him to an abandoned warehouse, where they hold him down and beat him up. It’s sort of depraved, considering it’s poor, whimsical Winston. I prefer a more even match, plz.
Meanwhile, Ken thinks something’s amiss because Jess told him that she has to study on a Saturday night, so he stalks her on her first legitimate date with Christian “from a conservative distance” and confronts her. He’s actually surprised that Jessica Wakefield is cheating on him. But it’s just her protocol, man. He calls her a fake and a phony and you know the score. Speaking of dates, Liz and Todd go on one to try to inject some magic back into their aggravating high school romance, but Liz says, “I feel like I’m parking with a stranger. … It’s all your fault, you know. You decided this stupid war is more important to you than I am.” What isn’t? And Todd’s like, “If you ever stopped loving me, I don’t know what I’d do.” Todd, I have a whole slew of exciting suggestions for you. But they promise to love and respect each other forever, or at least until the next miniseries, or for the next ten minutes.
Then Todd and Liz run into Maria Santelli, who tells them that her beloved Winston got called away for an emergency GNO—but of course there isn’t one. That’s when everyone realizes that Winston’s been set up, so Todd rallies the troops and they head to the warehouse with their guns blazin’. (“Guns,” in this case, being their well-muscled arms.) Jess and Christian also wind up at the warehouse—clearly a teen hub for violence—after following Ken fearing he’ll “do something rash.” Everyone’s beating the tomato juice out of each other until the police arrive, because Liz called them again, and this time Todd’s arrested! And Todd’s so mad, he uses the “D” word when he yells at Liz: “You don’t understand what we’re trying to do and you never will, so why didn’t you just mind your own damned business?” It’s one of those eternal questions, Todd.
Other Notes:
- It’s super foxy when the guys call each other by their last names.
- A.J. Morgan rears his red head again! He’s on the task force, being lame with Liz, though.
- Jess calls her stint with Ken “one of the longest relationships of her life,” which is sad, because it really wasn’t that long and she’s been cheating on him the entire time.
- “Dried blood darkened [Ken’s] chin like razor stubble, making him look as if he’d been in a war.” Come on! I’m not a fan of violence, but imagery like this prompts my desire to hang around outside SVH with a van and a cat, waiting for Ken to get out of football practice.
- Winston’s expression grew serious. “This is what I’m supposed to be doing with my free time. Hanging out with you, not roaming back alleys with Bruce pretending to be some Clint Eastwood ‘make my day’ type.” Maria [Santelli] bent her head so that her dark hair fell in a curtain around them. Her full red lips were just an inch from his own. “How about making my day?” she whispered provocatively. Winston closed his eyes blissfully. I love when Winston gets some.
- Best line: “He was a quarterback, not a thug.”
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