* Photo credit to The Closet *
I asked my co-worker what he thought was going on in this cover, and he said, “What do you think is going on?” But really: the more I look at it, I don’t know. Is the female hand hanging up the sign or taking it down? Is the hand belonging to a responsible male (you can tell, ‘cause he wears a watch!) stopping her from putting it up or removing it or is he helping her slide in on the knob, as sensually hanging up a “Do Not Disturb” sign is all part of a SVH teen’s foreplay? Too much mystery.
So who are these young reckless-in-love teens who are about to embark on such a mature act? Why, none other than the Sweet Valley sweethearts Liz Wakefield and Todd Wilkins!
But before anyone gets excited, I’ll just ruin it for you now by saying that this cover is about as misleading as All Night Long (but less mustache-y). I remember reading this a billion years ago and was so pissed that Liz wouldn’t even give Todd an inch for his literally thirteen years worth of patience. Oh, me. If it was anyone else but Liz, I’d actually respect her decisions. But it isn’t so I don’t!
Actually, now that I’m re-looking at the cover, I don’t know if that’s supposed to be Jessica snuggling up to the infamous Lucas. I don’t remember a “Do Not Disturb” sign mixed in with their story line. At any rate, what a multi-useful cover!
The Sweet Valley gang is on some kind of random field trip to a ski resort in Colorado with Mr. Collins as their chaperone. I repeat, Mr. Collins is their chaperone, yet no one is running around the resort half dressed and/or drunk with the younger Robert Redford afoot. In fact, Liz is a total freaking grandma; if I were going on a ski trip with my boyfriend the star basketball player with zero parents in sight, I’d be totally getting in some quality make-out sessions, but Liz is actually on a skiing trip to ski. Even Lila Fowler’s all, “A week in the mountains will be entirely wasted on you two.”
And it really, really is. Todd attempts to sneak into Liz’s little alcove or whatever on the bus ride there to “just fall asleep in her arms” (okay, Todd), and Liz flips the fuck out and blows the whole thing out of proportion like she’s so fond of doing. She immediately lapses into giving Todd the silent treatment like she always does when she’s pissed, and I like how even her friends Olivia Davidson and Enid Rollins think she’s being dumb about it: “Lighten up on him, Liz. Listen to what he has to say.” She finally agrees, but talk about mixed messages: she gives him a bunch of frosty, passive-aggressive comments when he attempts to talk to her, and then she’s like, “Of course we can talk. But on one condition, you have to kiss me first.” WHAT THE CHRIST?! Then, he’s so elated that he can’t stop smooching her, and she’s like, “I know how happy you are that I’m not mad at you anymore, but this isn’t really the time and place for kissing.” What the what! Todd, run. For the sake of your sanity. And when Liz finds out that Todd arranged for his roomie Winston Egbert to crash on a couch downstairs upon sight of a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door so he can be alone in the room with Liz, she dumps ice water on his junk. Liz is so square that… I can’t even think up a good simile, because nothing is as square as Liz. Not even a square is so square.
Meanwhile, Jess and Lila are trying to out-whore the other in terms of skiwear and resort to dirty tricks because they’re fighting over some guy. YAWN. But the guy up for grabs is Lucas King, a really hot ski instructor! DOUBLE YAWN. It’s total déjà vu up on the imaginatively named Snow Mountain, you guys. The girls pretend to be shitty skiers to get in some quality time with Lucas and all sorts of hijinx ensue. Non-interesting hijinx, too—how’d this boring-ass guy get his name in a title of a book? They make a bet to see who will kiss Lucas first, and Lila actually wins it! This is a miracle. So Jess stays true to the bet and skis down the resort’s hardest slope, Devil’s Run, but Lucas gets worried about her (thinking she’s just a beginner) and skis after her and winds up with a broken leg. Jess and Lila get into some ridiculously embarrassing antics at the hospital—sneaking in on food carts, locking the other in a bathroom, blah blah I skimmed it—to truly win Lucas’s heart.
Speaking of chasing boys, sad sack Enid Rollins is on the trip with a mission birthed of her eternal whine (this time with a snow-related twist!): “No good-looking ski instructor will come near me—unless I tumble down the mountain and he’s forced to rescue me.” Enid, you’d probably be tumbling down the mountain because someone pushed you, you annoying little twit. Then Enid stumbles across a gem of a book titled 101 Ways to Be Sassy on the Slopes. I love it. She tries everything from wearing neon sunscreen on her nose to snowboarding to scoping boys out in a bar until she takes the sage advice on step 101 (thanks to Liz’s urging, naturally): “Do what you want!” So she goes to roast marshmallows by a fireplace (her true wish!) and winds up canoodling with the wounded Lucas King! So believe it: Enid 1, Jess and Lila 0. Actually, the score is something like Enid 1, Jess and Lila 28,893,202,560, but whatevs.
But back to Liz. She avoids Todd at all costs after the H20-on-pants episode, and basically it’s like every other Liz-and-Todd fight—but this time it’s on skis! Todd caters to her ego and chases her around, until there’s an avalanche on the mountain and Todd’s nowhere to be found. Only then is Liz contrite! Day and night, she bullies her way into the ski patrol station and sleeps faithfully by the radio in case he contacts her. Todd, interestingly enough, is stranded in a cabin with a foxy Mrs. Robinson in a red ski outfit who totally looks at him “as if she was imagining what he looked like underneath his ski clothes” and tries to give him a little somethin’-somethin’ but he’s just too, too in love with Liz to even go for it! Oh my God, no wonder girls are constantly disappointed by unrealistic expectations concerning boys.
Todd and Mrs. Robinson get rescued the very second that Mrs. Robinson starts Frenching Todd (against his will, the poor thing), and who should burst through the door to see them but Chastity Belt Wakefield! Liz runs away, crying. Oh, boo freaking hoo. Then she totally gets hit on by the twenty-five-year-old DIRK Roman, head of ski patrol—dude, control yourself: I don’t care if she’s a Wakefield; she’s nine years younger than you!—and Todd walks in on them making out, and Liz is all huffy that he’s pissed at her: “He thinks I’m two-timing him, and he doesn’t trust me enough to listen to what really happened with Dirk last night!” Oh, the sweet, sweet irony. Fortunately, Enid points out that she’s being a douche, so Liz goes to Todd, and he ends up apologizing first, and they promise to love each other forever more: “Next time, let’s have a little more faith in each other,” says Liz, although the end of the book advertises the start of the camp trilogy, during which—oh!—Liz cheats on Todd! Give me a fucking break.
Other Notes:
- Everyone lives in southern California and spends every second on the beach, yet they’re all amazing skiers (except Winston, who was only lying to impress all the amazing skiers). I hate these people.
- More proof that Todd has Mattel genitals: “Will Jess and Lila ever grow up and realize how much better it is to have a meaningful, long-term relationship?” Say that once you finally get to have sex, Todd, you poor, hard-up bastard.
- Lila calls Jess “the fastest girl around”—believe it!
- Todd and his Mrs. Robinson talk about building a fire at the cabin, and he’s like, “I was a much better fire builder than a navigator. Liz, on the other hand, couldn’t start a fire if her life depended on it,” to which Mrs. R replies, “Now why doesn’t that surprise me?” Well, Liz doesn’t need to start a fire now because she’s already suffering due to that WICKED BURN! Ow ow!
- Another Liz burn: Winston wants to throw a welcome-back-Todd party, but Todd isn’t even back yet, and Liz is like, “Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Winston, but I’m not really in the mood for a party,” to which Winston says, “That doesn’t matter. The party isn’t for you anyway. It’s for Todd. And Todd is always in the mood for a party.” Nice. I truly couldn’t have said it better myself, at least not without a diagram of the Milky Way to prove that the universe does not revolve around Liz.
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