* Photo credit to The Closet *
To the left, we have the twins standing with blond Zach Marsden, the older guy mentioned in the title, and Ian Cooke, the latest member of Liz’s fan club, who looks like how Winston Egbert probably does, but does Winston ever get on an SVH cover? Nooo. Also, Liz stops going to college classes, so you can ignore the right half of this cover.
The twins are still lurking around Sweet Valley University (SVU), and Jess has got herself a third-year Zeta-frat boy (the aforementioned Zach) but is in a bit of a pickle: Magda, the treasurer of Theta Alpha Theta (the sorority for which Jess would murder babies just to get in), is hot for Zach too, and Jess is sure that if she continues seeing him, she’ll be blackballed from TAT when she finally makes it to college. So, to stay on Magda’s good side, Jess tells Magda that it’s really Elizabeth dating Zach, and then the girls talk about what an awful ho Liz is.
Speaking of Liz, she wants to get her GED and stay on at SVU since she won five hundred prizes (including an internship at The Chronicle, “a nationally distributed newspaper”) by writing a wimpy college essay on underage drinking and upstaging a roomful of like, grad students or whatever. “Whatever” indeed. And after a day on the quad where seriously five guys hit on her while she’s on a date with Zach, Jess decides she wants to stay to date college guys. Because she obviously can’t do that while she’s in high school.
Meanwhile, Liz’s poor boyfriend Todd Wilkins, who’s “been counting the days until she returned, marking off the spaces in his calendar with large Xs,” is not happy about this new development; he realizes that “Sweet Valley had no purpose for him without Elizabeth.” So he whips up a plan with Lila Fowler, Enid Rollins, and Jess’s boyfriend Ken Matthews to get the twins to stay by using reverse psychology. The same exact thing happened when Steven wanted to go travel the world on a cruise ship, so I don’t understand why the twins aren’t picking up on the turned tables now. Anyway, Enid calls Liz to ask her if she could take over her Oracle column and declares she’ll now be known as the smartest girl at school, and Lila reminds Jess that she’ll be on top of the social ladder all by herself. (I don’t know why everyone’s not actually excited the twins’ll be gone.) And Todd is actually passing out fliers with “Operation Wakefield Twins” on it to everyone and like five hundred students congregate on the SVH quad to talk about how to get them back. Give me a break!
Liz arrives at her internship and orgasms at the sight of the Lexis/Nexis machine, but things don’t pan out the way she’d hoped. She gets a taste of sexual harassment and discrimination in the workplace because her boss appoints her his secretary/slave and is constantly calling her “dolly,” “honeybunch,” and such. Then she quits after two days and, of course, after she makes a big scene that draws a large crowd: “I don’t know what year you think this is, but you’re living in the past. This is a professional newsroom, and I expect professional treatment. Women are to be treated as equals, with respect and dignity.” While she’s right (groan! I didn’t just say that), I wish there was a part included where Professor Newkirk, the professor Liz impressed with her essay, tells Liz “Way to fuck it up, loser.” But I must be satisfied with Liz embarrassing herself in front of a pack of pretentious, communistic hipsters by toting the joys of capitalism and they proceed to rip her a new one.
Then comes the Theta-Zeta prom or something, and Jess’s plan (involving Liz, naturally) is so convoluted that instead of trying to finish this plot twist in a narrative form, I shall resort to seventh-grade reading-level sentences presented as bullet points:
- Liz-as-Jess-looking-like-Jess goes to the formal on a double date with Magda and two dudes. She wears a skimpy dress.
- Jess-as-Jess-looking-like-Liz goes to the formal with Zach. She wears some sort of ball gown.
- Todd and Ken crash the formal to surprise the twins.
- Todd sees Jess-as-Jess-looking-like-Liz smooching Zach. He assumes the twin is Liz and wants to die.
- Liz-as-Jess-looking-like-Jess runs up to Todd and smooches him, confusing and pissing off Zach, her date.
- Todd is thrown out of the formal.
- Ken confronts Jess-as-Jess-looking-like-Liz and runs away.
- Magda tells Jess-as-Jess-looking-like-Liz (whom she thinks is, in fact, Liz) that she’s done her a favor by dating Zach—it turns out he’s only a high school junior.
Whew! Now that everyone is themselves again, Jess and Zach get into a screaming match about them being hypocrites, douchebags, and liars, oh my, and then wind up laughing hysterically and agreeing to meet up again in two years. Then all of a sudden, Jess’s mind is on Ken and he’s magically the boy for her again now that she’s been caught. Jess woos Ken back by explaining that she only cheated on him because Ken didn’t respect her brains and Ken forgives her like a chump. They return to Steven and Billie’s, where a “This is Your Life at SVH” surprise going-away party is waiting for them, and are treated to a slide show of their accomplishments and fun times at SVH. The twins decide that they’re not ready to delve into the SVU series yet and choose to stay at SVH. Quelle surprise!
Other Notes:
- SVU is now two hours away from Sweet Valley. First of all, why is a college named after a town located 120 minutes away from the town itself? Second, wasn’t it an hour away before? Of course it was. The only logical explanation is that Sweet Valley University is slowly seceding from the United States and floating out to sea.
- I’m sort of glad that Ken has no misconceptions of who Jess is; when she says she wants to stay at SVU to keep Liz company, Ken is immediately suspicious of this act of kindness: “Jessica had a lot of wonderful qualities, but selflessness wasn’t one of them.”
- A sassy JW&BP moment during the slide show: “‘Hey, is that me?’ Bruce asked, leaning forward to take a closer look at the tennis shot. Bruce was a star player on the tennis team. ‘Of course not, Bruce,’ Jessica said. ‘Those are only photos of the winners.’”
- I had to laugh when Ken and Todd are all woebegone about all the things they won’t get to do once the twins are gone: “‘No more nights at Miller’s Point,’ Todd said. ‘No more nights at Miller’s Point,’ Ken echoed. The thought was so horrifying that they both collapsed onto the couch and lapsed into silence.” Buck up, gents: There will be more Miller’s Point nights, only with girls way easier!
- BWA @ Alice Wakefield’s attempt at reverse psychology: “You know, it’s funny, but I feel so much younger with you two away, as if I’m not a mother anymore. It’s kind of a relief not to have to worry about parental duties… I think your father and I could use a break from parenting.” A break from parenting? Is that what they were calling what they’ve been doing all this time?
- Winston actually wears a trick flower. Todd actually falls for it. Will the wonders of this series ever cease?
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