* Photo credit to The Closet *
For some reason, Ned and Alice grant the twins time off school to hang around SVU and stay with their brother Steven and his girlfriend Billie Winkler for an entire week. The purpose: “to help [them] get ready for college. It’s about giving [them] motivation to get really serious about planning for [their] education and future.” And the first step to doing that is blowing off class to fuck around at the local college campus!
Anyway, Jess’s plans include pre-rushing a Theta Alpha Theta, a campus sorority so prestigious that Alice Wakefield had once been president! (And all the Thetas know Alice, even though she was there back in the ‘60s, and even have a picture of her hanging up in their sorority [“Is she still as gorgeous as she was when she was a student here?”]. I’m throwing up now.)
Liz, on the other hand, is taking the trip super seriously. When they explore a dorm, Liz is “happy to see students engaged in serious study sessions” and gets all aroused when she eavesdrops on a conversation about Zora Neale Hurston vs. Ralph Emerson: “I can’t wait for the opportunity to live with other students who actually enjoy sitting around and talking about literature, history, and social issues!” Elizabeth is so incredibly dull, you guys.
Steven and Billie decide to go away to a bed-and-breakfast for a romantic weekend (they’re eighteen and live together and they already need to go away to a B&B to put the spark back in their relationship?), so naturally Jess throws a party at Steven’s apartment (with red cups and all!) the very first night she’s there. She just invites random people left and right, and naturally the invitees wind up being the most popular people in the best sororities and fraternities. (I hate that this perpetuates the myth that the only way to be popular in college is via a frat or sorority, or that popularity in college is even a thing.) It’s there at the party where she falls in love with a college dude named Zach Marsden, forgetting all about her dear, devoted slab of meat named Ken Matthews back home. But (naturally) there’s a problem! Not only does she tell Zach that she’s a college student who just transferred from Princeton, one of the Thetas—Magda—is hot for Zach, so Jess could be ruining her “in” with the sorority and be blackballed for life! Of course, there wouldn’t even be an issue if Jessica could just keep it in her pants for once.
Of course Steven and Billie come back early because the bed-and-breakfast is such a dive (although Steven starts literally crying on the beach during a romantic beach picnic because being with Billie is just so special), and they come home to see their apartment a total wreck. Yes, the twins are total brats during their stay—I know that’s hard to believe! They make unapologetic excuses for throwing the party, they get Steven and Billie deep in it with their surly landlord, they blackmail Steven into not calling Ned and Alice and sending them home, they act like Steven’s making a big deal out of nothing when he’s pissed at them, and Liz whines about how she must use the computer in S&B’s bedroom because she has to stay up all night to write a mere 1,000-word, unimaginative paper on underage drinking for a class she’s not even in at a school she doesn’t even go to, thus making S&B crash in sleeping bags in the living room. What. The Christ. What does Liz even know about underage drinking, aside from the fact that having a sip of Magic Punch will result in killing a dude on prom night?
Oh, and that paper? Totally validates her. You see, Liz sat in on an advanced journalism class and back-talked the famous journalist-turned-professor because the professor scoffed at her for being a pretentious, know-it-all douchebag. But of course, Liz’s paper turns out to be THE BEST in the class—she “vastly outperforms” all the AP students! Imagine that! So the professor publicly apologizes to her, announces that the essay will be published in a national magazine, and tells Liz that she won “a highly coveted internship” with the school’s nationally distributed newspaper and that that she’s so brilliant she should enroll in college early. Fucking hell.
Other Notes:
- Jess’s reasoning behind wanting to live in a co-ed dorm: she thought “about how much fun it would be to parade around in her sexiest nightgowns, making all the guys drool.”
- Billie Winkler is the most boring person on Earth. She’s like, eighteen but acts like someone’s mom. She quotes her philosophy professor, suggests that she and Steven help the twins clean up after the party, lets the twins walk all over her, and I just hate reading about everything she does because I truly don’t care.
- Liz makes a dude friend: Ian Cooke, the creeper on the front cover. (He’s apparently hotter than he looks.) And he’s soooo disappointed that Liz won’t date him. Could Liz actually mean it this time when she thinks, “My love for Todd [Wilkins] is so strong, I couldn’t possibly be interested in anyone else”? She must be rejecting him because he wears glasses.
- There’s underage drinking in this story! People bring a keg to the party at Steven’s and Jessica even gets drunk on wine while out to dinner with Zach! (How they got served, I’ll never know—he’s only twenty himself. Why do I always try to bring logic into it?)
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