* Photo credit to The Closet *
It appears that Liz is doing her little known mime act. Is that door open or closed? We’ll never know! That leaves Jess as the twin in the heated embrace with the blond guy, Jeremy Randall, who is twenty-three and thus must be drawn wearing a tie, to emphasize his oldness.
Plot A: In a span of approximately five minutes, Jess gets bonked on the head with a Frisbee at the beach, falls in love with the gorgeous perpetrator, kisses him, and then he runs away, saying how he can never see her again. You wouldn’t believe this. Actually, you might. He trembles when he sees her face up close, and she’s all, “It feels so…right. It feels like fate. You know were supposed to be together.” I can’t stop making a face at this. Jess goes back to Liz and announces that she’s met the guy that she was supposed to marry and that “not even Sam made [her] feel this way.” Blasphemy! Them’s fightin’ words. Jessica is officially insane.
Meanwhile, Alice Wakefield’s dead college roommate’s daughter Sue Gibbons comes to stay with the fam while she plans her wedding, even though she’s all of eighteen and sort of sickening. She won’t shut up about her fiance, Jeremy, whom she met through this conservation program Project Nature back east. (She’s weird about actually practicing conservation though—she wants a massive wedding, a diamond the size of California, and to waste gas by driving everywhere.) Sue has her honey over for dinner and who should it be but the dude from the beach! Who saw it coming?
Jess “helps” Jeremy with wedding chores, and there are all these “signs” that pop up to remind Jess (and us, I guess) that they’re soul mates: They pick the same ring out, they both want weddings on the beach… Okay, that’s about it. While agreeing to be Sue’s bridesmaid, Jess continues to be…well, herself. She throws Sue’s wedding dress under a truck and then walks around wearing the dress (post-cleaning) when Jeremy’s in his tux. Ah, subtlety! Jeremy admits that he is in love with her but he’s with Sue, so it sucks to be him. (It really does—he’s boring.) I’m grossed out by their age difference. And I’m embarrassed for Jess for acting like a loony. Then again, what else is new? They go make out at Sue and Jeremy’s engagement party. Nice. This guy is so classy.
Plot B: Liz feels like she is a bad judge of character ever since she fell in love with a serial killer abroad. Yes, that’ll do it. She starts reading a bunch of feminist self-help books and going to women’s groups to boost her self-esteem, and quotes from it nonstop. She even drags Jess with her to a seminar based on the book Primal Woman, Women of Strength, where the twins sit with fake fur wrapped around them (to represent their animalistic sides) and rename themselves. (Liz calls herself “Runs-with-the-Wind” [how familiar!], while Jess just calls herself “Jessica.”) When Liz is prompted to let out a primal scream, Jess tells her that she should’ve been called “Hurricane Lungs.”
Plot C: Lila Fowler’s done with flitting from boy to boy and decides to settle down with rich, artistic twenty-year-old Robby Goodman, friend to Jeremy Randall. Lila’s thrilled that Robby is in her own social stratus and has a Lamborghini and a small dog—but it turns out that the car and the dog are borrowed and that Robby is a poor, starving artist. NOES! Lila is ready to jump off the bow of the nearest yacht. But then Jess forces them to dance at the engagement party and they’re in love4eva. Yawn.
Let me just say that the best scene in the book was when Jess drags Bruce Patman out on a date to the same restaurant Sue and Jeremy are at in order to make Jeremy jealous. Not only was it hilar, but Bruce/Jess banter gets me hot. Bruce makes Jess pay for dinner and orders all the most expensive things on the menu, and they’re saying all these awesomely horrible things to each other while their body language makes it look like they like each other. Observe:
“Bruce, you selfish jerk,” Jessica cooed, edging closer to him. “Every day I wake up and thank God I came to my senses about you. My only regret is that we ever dated at all.”
Bruce reached over and caressed her cheek. “At last we agree on something, Wakefield.” He laughed softly and brought her hand to his lips, pretending to kiss it.
Ahhh, it such a turn on when he calls her “Wakefield.” It makes me wish that were my last name. I can’t believe the things I’m confessing now. When Bruce tries to order dessert, Jess is like, “How can you possibly eat dessert after that heavy meal? Oh, I forgot. You still have your head to fill.” Bruce observes that this whole charade must be important to her: “I wonder what else it would be worth your while to do for me?” to which she responds, “Don’t let your limited imagination run away with you.” I can’t even snark, I’m too turned on.
Other Notes:
- “I know you guys got all mixed up with that psycho who thought he was a werewolf—but did you manage to have any fun at all?” Enid Rollins actually asks this question casually.
- If Jeremy experienced love at first sight with Jessica, why would he not experience the same with Elizabeth?
- Jess heart “constricts painfully” not once, but twice! Someone call the doctor.
- How is a twenty-three-year-old guy paying for a wedding all by himself? Some twenty-three-year-old guys I’ve known can barely buy their own dinner at a diner.
- Bruce says Pamela Robertson is “the only sane girl I’ve ever dated.” Oh, really? I don’t remember poor dead Regina being a lunatic. Scoff at you, Bruce!
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