* Photo credit to The Closet *
Here we have a scene straight out of Dynasty—rich people with drama getting married! And I have no idea what that tiny doodle of what appears to be Drew Barrymore and an extra from The Outsiders is supposed to be about. However, I have a sneaking suspicion it’s a Wakefield twin. Or someone who looks like a Wakefield. Those kinds of people are the only ones that matter in this world.
According to the spine on this book, this story is classified as “Terror.” Mmm, no.
Plot A: Liz is trying to move on and enjoy life post trial, but how can she, now that her twin sister is revenge-dating her ex-boyfriend Todd Wilkins? Mind you, Jessica and Todd are not interested in each other—it’s a completely loveless union based on desperation and lunacy. But Todd finally dumps Jess because he can’t pretend that he’s not hot for Liz and her barrette-polo shirt combination. He pines away for Liz, but she has enough sense not to forgive him for at least a few more books.
Jess distracts herself from life’s vagaries by organizing a Sam Woodruff memorial dirt bike rally. At this memorial event for her dead boyfriend, she falls in love with another guy. Classic Sweet Valley. His name is James but his biker name is Black Lightning, although he is yet another white dude. He shows up mysteriously and it’s straight up “Who’s That Guy?”, and you guys, he’s the “most handsome guy she’s ever seen in her life.” This is a HUGE deal, since everyone in SV is too gorgeous for words.
Plot B: Lila Fowler is lovin’ life now that her mom, Grace, is back in town. Tragically, Grace has a skanky French boyfriend (named Pierre, obvs) who grabs Amy Sutton’s rack. This behavior can obviously be attributed to his smoking; all bad people smoke. Lila wants “Mother and Daddy” back together, so she and Pierre have a day o’ fun, which results in Pierre getting real wasted because Lila’s too exhaustingly fun or something. (As always, nothing makes any sense.) She locks him in a closet while she goes out to dinner with her parental units, and George Fowler proposes to Grace Fowler during the meal, and they get married, and Lila is the happiest girl in the world and Pierre gets ta steppin’. I don’t understand how this plan was so effective.
Plot C: Margo meets James—yes, the same James that Jessica now loves, who is described as an “Adonis in a tank top”—at Kelly’s—where else?. She pays him to go out with Jess, take a billion pictures, and find out every single scrap of information about the Wakefields’ perfect world. Jess is so vain, she eats his attention right up.
Meanwhile, Margo drives over a single mother—who has the baby in her arms at the time! This is how evil Margo is! The purpose: to get the mother’s catering job at the Fowler wedding. This way, she can spy on the twins and scoff at how Winston Egbert was Liz’s date to the wedding. (Margo vows to not deal with him once she’s Elizabeth: “Margo imagined Winston handing her a dozen long-stemmed roses, and she’d pull a gun out of her purse and send a bullet through his heart.” Jesus Christ!)
Plot D: Josh Smith, the older brother of the little boy Margo killed in Cleveland, is stalking Margo across the country, seeking revenge for his brother. While his mom stays home and drinks, he pulls out all sorts of detective shit, and I’m pretty sure he’s only a teenager. Then again, so was Nancy Drew. But River Heights this ain’t.
Other Notes:
- Lila arranges with the school to get a day off. Um, HOW? Even Ferris Bueller ran into a couple of stumbling blocks.
- Margo finds all about Jess’s dirt bike rally because of a headline in the paper reading, “Wakefield Organizes Rally.” The Wakefields are so important that their name gets in a headline. I could just throw up. AND! The Fowler wedding gets an article too: “Computer Magnate to Wed Ex-Wife.” Is The Sweet Valley News really scrambling for shit to write about?
- Why is Bruce Patman at the Fowler wedding? What about that Fowler-Patman feud? (Why do I continue to question things?)
- Grace and George exchange the same vows that they used eighteen years ago. Because they worked so well the first time around.
- Jessica wonders if, in relation to her relationship with her sister now, if she might’ve “gone too far” at the Jungle Prom. Ya think?
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