* Photo credit to The Closet *
New covers! This depresses me. First off, going by the logo pic at the top, the twins ain’t fine enough to be considered the little miracles they have been in Sweet Valley. And what’s supposed to be going on at the bottom? It’s a mess. Who’s that saucy brunette? Is that supposed to be Lila Fowler? Just so you know, the guy with the jacket slung over his shoulder in the left-hand corner gawking at the teenage hoodlums making out is supposed to be Bruce Patman, and even HE isn’t tasty-looking. This is overturning everything I knew. I’m a traditionalist here.
Not only does this book mark a whole slew of new artwork, but it also marks an official literary hijacking of the Sweet Valley High series. (Did I just use the word “literary” and “SVH” in the same breath? I feel dirty now.) But it’s true—the books are longer and—dare I say it?—better written. I felt like I was reading a real story! It’s like the writer put actual effort into understanding previously written plot lines instead of just pulling something new and random out of his/her ass! I’ve heard rumors that the work of ghostwriter “Kate William” is actually written by a bunch of other ghostwriters. Is this book proof of that?
Improved writing aside, the series sadly gets…weird. It’s still completely ridiculous, but now it’s sort of lost its lightheartedness and gets downright depraved. What I recall from the books I’ve read in the past (and the books I shall bravely once again reread), they’re sort of depressing. The Morning After is no exception.
Furthermore, this is not about the morning after; it’s more like The Week or So After, but I guess that’s less dramatic.
And now onto the myriad of storylines!
Plot A involves those wacky Wakefield twins, of course. And boy, are they a barrel of laughs. They’re both still reeling from the death of Jess’s boyfriend Sam Woodruff, who’d been in the passenger seat of the twins’ Jeep when he and Liz drove off during prom. Jess won’t even talk to Liz and instead sobs on Sam’s grave—in the rain! Todd Wilkins also won’t talk to Liz because he suspects that Liz and Sam were making out at prom. Fine time to hold a grudge, “Whizzer” And Liz has no idea why her and Sam’s blood alcohol levels were so high the night of the prom and can’t remember the accident, but everyone is sure of one thing: Liz killed Sam! Jess chooses to forget that Sam wouldn’t be dead if it weren’t for her spiking their drinks and lets the cops come and drag Liz away. Real nice, Jess. That’ll be the last time Liz ever takes the Sweet Valley Tour Guide test for you!
Plot B: Lila Fowler’s life is also in shambles since she accused her counselor Nathan Pritchard of trying to take advantage of her during the prom’s raid. (I feel like this book was essentially just one big recap of A Night to Remember—this is a recap of a recap!) Papa Fowler comes to school for a chat with his daughter, Chrome Dome, and Nathan, and Lila realizes that she’d been so scared that night that she just made the whole thing up. Whoops. Lila then hides out in her room for a week straight and Daddy just doesn’t know what to do about her, so he calls Lila’s mom Grace, who’s screwing around in France doing whatever rich women in France do. Grace plans to fly in, and Lila is grateful, because she’s been dying to confide in the woman who abandoned her as a baby and remains a stranger. Daddy doesn’t even know what happened between Lila and John Pfeifer. Pardon, but that’s sort of a big deal. Wake up and smell the Electra complex, Mr. Fowler, sir!
Plot C: And now for a frivolous plot line! Olivia Davidson and Nicholas Morrow are suddenly best friends who get together over snacks to talk about the jokes that are their love lives, and they’re all like, “You’re so attractive and talented and 100 percent fly! Why aren’t you seeing anyone?” Just get a room already. Olivia’s lured to some fancy house that’s looks like the Tara plantation under the guise of giving a speech on art, but it turns out it was just an elaborate, unnecessary trick a cute boy in her class pulled in order to spend a day with her and make her fall in love. Oh God. Then Olivia vows to help out Nicholas’s love life by nominating him for some Bachelor-type show called Hunks. Does he really need a game show to get laid? Who wouldn’t want to go out with Nicholas Morrow? He has a fuck-ton of money and it’s not exactly like his face was made up of random bits of garbage retrieved from a dumpster. Really—me thinks he doth protest too much.
Plot D: Bruce Patman is in love, you guys! He’s “head-over-Nikes” for his Regina Morrow-look alike, Pamela Robertson, who goes to Big Mesa and, according to school legend, gets around. Bruce Patman is in love with the town bike, you guys!
Plot E: The infamous, eponymous foster kid/psychopath Margo is making her way to Sweet Valley after killing her five-year-old foster sister Nina by locking her in the house, dumping gasoline everywhere, and having her stick a metal fork in a defective toaster. I guess they needed someone to absolutely out-cruel Jessica. You can tell that Margo’s evil because she’s from the East Coast—all the worst people are from there. I bet she smokes too!
Other Notes:
- Bruce’s romantic fantasies involve picnics, jazz, and caviar on crackers, and he keeps calling his dream girl “Cinderella.” Only in Sweet Valley. I suppose, however, that the girls reading this would’ve found it less charming if Brucey thought of Cinderella nude in a variety of experimental and limber positions.
- Alice Wakefield, interior designer extraordinaire, has big plans for the new wing of the city building—she’s going with the Spanish-style look. Is she seriously fucking kidding me? Does she think that’s innovative?
- Mr. Jaworski not only teaches drama—he also lectures the students on the Civil War in History! What a multitasker!
- Steven Wakefield is just about wetting his pants re: the state of his family. Ned and Alice don’t even bother to figure out what to do; they just throw themselves into their work and say, “We’ve just run out of things to say.” What have you ever said, morons? All Ned and Alice are good for is showing up now and then for their children to marvel at how youthful and sexy they look. SHUN!
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