* Photo credit to The Closet *
Oh, dear. What is this nonsense? Could Jessica or whoever the hell this is on the cover (…Elizabeth?) have any less emotion? This robot was obviously built from the Steven Wakefield model.
So there’s a Liz and Todd Fight over them not eating lunch together (oh, for cryin’ out loud…) and they break up. All this spans exactly two pages. Ah, but wait—there’s an underlying reason behind this break up: Todd wants to see other people. They agree to remain “friends,” but you know how that goes—Todd’s now playing volleyball with a girl in a skimpy bathing suit named Peggy Abbot. This reminds me of the giant downside of going out with people from your own high school and I’m glad I no longer have anything to do with that business.
Meanwhile, Enid Rollins is mourning the break-up of her and her boyfriend Hugh Grayson, which was a relationship that really flew under that radar. Who the hell even is this guy? She wants him back so bad that she actually wants Jess’s advice. Since you’re dying to know, step one is “Make sure he remembers you’re alive.” Oddly enough, Hugh is waaaaay hot for Enid. They have this whole silly process of getting back together peppered with misunderstandings that prompt Enid to yell, “Love! I’d rather be in algebra!” I don’t understand why any of this is important, considering no one cares about Enid. This plot line has nothing to do with anything.
Liz doesn’t believe the rumors about Todd and Peggy at first, but when she sees them together, she runs into the arms of Kris Lynch, a “rebel with a paintbrush,” who says about three sentences to her before asking her to the dance and gives her a doodle of himself with his number on it. He picks her up for the dance in a PINK Cadillac, and she bumps into Todd and it’s all awkward and you know him and Peggy aren’t going to last because she’s a sophomore and a moron who laughs “like a cross between a squealing pig and a vacuum cleaner,” and she hand feeds Todd potato chips. Hold on for one more day, Liz!
It turns out that Kris is totally creepy and tells Liz that his only hobbies are painting, drawing, and thinking of her. Yet Liz feels like she “owes” him a date and uses him to make Todd jealous, and even Jess lectures her about leading him on—for real real, Liz, you don’t mess with weirdoes like that. When Liz finds out that Kris thinks they’re practically betrothed, she dumps him at Maria Santelli’s party and he turns psychotic. I mean, more psychotic. Liz ends up leaving her precious diary in his car (why would you take it a party?). This is why that girl needs LiveJournal or whatever the kids are using these days to record their every angsty thought.
Todd tells Liz that she’s the only girl for him in the universe, while Kris is spreading a rumor all over town that he totally nailed LIZ at Miller’s Point. Todd finds out and gets ready to deliver a Todd Punch to Kris, but Kris convinces him that he and Liz are totally close by reciting sacred info—which he totes got from her diary! Todd and Enid blow Liz off and make her cry. Jess tries to intervene and set Liz’s life right again by using Sherlock Holmes as her inspiration and deduces that Kris stole Liz’s diary. She goes over to Kris’s house and threatens to ruin his social life, and he explains how totally hurt he was because he loves Liz oh so much, and “the more she talked to Kris, the better she liked him.” Kris confesses the truth to Enid and Todd, who exclaims, “It looks like all of us except Jessica have something to feel ashamed about.” Wow, I never thought I’d hear that sentence. Everyone apologizes to Liz and tells her how awesome she is, and she forgives everyone. Because she’s goodness personified, y’know.
Other Notes:
- Apparently, Caroline Pearce eats grapes very annoyingly. Who knew?
- Enid thinks she looks like an owl and it’s making me laugh. She also spends her evenings doing laundry, gluing broken mugs back together, and working on her school stuff. Good Christ, Enid.
- Liz shuns Kris because he shows up on a date wearing an earring. Oh, Sweet Valley.
- Jess is oddly insightful re: fathers: “They give you money, and they compliment you when you look nice, but you’re usually through your crisis before they even notice that you’re having one.”
- As Jess’ boyfriend Sam Woodruff observes, “It sounds like this Lynch guy is out to get [Liz].” What do you expect, with a last name like Lynch?
- Jessica says, “I’m sixteen, I’m blonde, and I’m beautiful. Why shouldn’t I be happy?” and this sentence actually makes me happy. Don’t ask me why.
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