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#83 – Steven’s Bride

83. Steven's Bride

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Eeeee! Look at Steven! What is his damage? He’s so stiff, and his left hand is all weird, like the artist originally had him holding a gun. At any rate, why must he always look like a fucking android? He is so un-fine, I can’t even stand it. As for Cara Walker, she is clearly too young to be getting married, even if it is to a robot man, a glorified vibrator.

Cara’s mom has become a total career woman ever since her divorce, which was 18 billion years ago, and now she’s been offered a promotion in London. Cara sobs her eyes out on Steven’s shoulder, while all Steven can think it, “Don’t go. Don’t leave me like Tricia did.” Oh, dear Lord, Steven. Give it a rest, will you? He’s is feeling all sorts of powerless and nihilistic: “I just don’t believe in ‘someday’… There wasn’t any someday for me and Tricia, and there won’t be one for me and Cara, either.” Hide all the knives.

Jess gets one of her ingenious ideas while sitting around watching Love Story—a sight I’d never thought to imagine. She tells Steven that all he has to do is get married. To my immense surprise, Steven is into the idea from the get-go and dashes over to Cara’s house —in the rain!—to propose in her living room. Cara is hesitant, insisting that they haven’t even been dating that long—whaaaat? They’ve been together for a million books by this point!—but eventually agrees when Steven insists that it’s the only way to stay in Sweet Valley and that they’ll have such a cute apartment where they can throw parties. She’s also doing it to TAKE HER LIFE BACK. This ain’t just a wedding, it’s a protest!

Cara and Steven plan to spring their marriage—after the fact—on their families, like, a day before Cara’s set to move to London. Jess researches wedding rings and marriage chapels in Nevada and makes a pact with Steven not to tell Liz. This is because they already know how joyless Elizabeth is. But Liz literally pins Jess down and tries to force it out of her, and then of course she’s conveniently home when the jewelry store calls Steven. What a lame-o with an extra helping of lame sauce. She drives to the university to give her brother a lecture on marriage and reminds him that, if he’s married, he can’t possibly do the extra work to get into his extra special law program he’s applied to. Because she’s been married so many times and so successfully and all. Shut up, Liz.

Cara and Steven start getting cold feet when they start processing the meaning of being together for the rest of their lives. Don’t worry, guys: These days, that’s only three years or so. Even though the engagement and impending wedding is supposed to be top secret, Lila Fowler throws Cara a bridal shower (Jess: “It wouldn’t be any fun to elope if nobody knew about it”) and gives her sexy lingerie that is described as “diaphanous.” Cara suddenly realizes that getting married isn’t like going steady at all! Meanwhile, Steven’s checking out apartments and wetting his pants, and realizing he can’t throw around a football with his friends if he’s married. Why not? I’m a Libra so I can’t see how these things can’t be balanced. Then again, I’m also not 16. (And thank God for that.)

Mr. Walker flies in to tell Cara something huge: He and his new lady are getting married, despite that Carrie has never, ever known this person even existed, let alone met her before. And here Cara was, expecting him to fly home and ask her mom to remarry him so they could all live happily ever after in Sweet Valley and she wouldn’t have to get married. Awk-ward. The whole plan is stressing me out. She’s so pissed at her family that she decides to get married anyway. Like Donna on That ‘70s Show said, “It’s every little girl’s dream to get married out of spite!”

Jess finds the acceptance letter from Steven’s law program after he lied to everyone that he didn’t get accepted (of course it’s a lie—how can a Wakefield not be a winner?) and admits that S&C getting hitched is a mistake after all. Then she commits herself to doing her best to make Cara believe that marriage equals doom. Cara is always subjected to Jess’ whims—I feel bad that she’s Jessica’s puppet. Cara wonders if “she could face the pain that would result from giving up her relationship with Steven in order to prevent them from ruining their lives.” Well, when you put it like that

On the day of the wedding, Steven swears that Cara doesn’t have to put out on their wedding night if she doesn’t want to while Jess and Liz break down and tell Ned and Alice, who flip out and run around in circles for the most part. During the ceremony, Cara rejects Steven just as the Wakefields burst in with Cara’s mother, leaving Steven thoroughly humiliated, especially since he finally made peace about having Cara as his lady 4eva and eva.

Somehow, everything works out so that Cara ends up apologizing to Liz. WHA? I do not understand. I hate life. Then Liz gets even more involved and goes to talk to Steven about just why Cara had to screw him over, and Steven runs through the airport to be with her. (A sign of the upmost sincerity and commitment!) They promise to love each other forever, and then promptly break up. Bleh.

Other Notes:

  • Even the book outright states “They had never slept together,” Steven and Cara are so totally being freaky: “Steven smiles, remembering their reunion on Sunday night. They had driven his VW to Miller’s Point, a popular hilltop parking spot overlooking Sweet Valley. The electricity between them had been incredible. It felt magical and new, the way it had when they had first fallen in love.” I know what I heard!
  • Eep! It’s tearin’ up my heart like J.T. and Co. when Jess and her boyfriend Sam Woodruff have a chat about death:JESS: How would you feel if I died?
    SAM: Don’t even say such a thing! (Ohhhh, snap!)
  • Jess actually REMOVES the Lavaliere of Truth (as it’s called on 1bruce1) to lend to Cara for the wedding!

Additionally: We have a Sweet Valley High Reader of the Month, y’all, who says, “The reason why I like Sweet Valley High books is because they seek a new world, and they see things in a new way.” Oh-ho! That’s fucking rich. Seeking a new world? Please. Liz can’t even write a story without making it all about Sweet Valley. In THIS VERY BOOK, Cara is ready to get married at 16 because she desperately wants to stay in SV: “I don’t think there could be any place on earth I’d like as much.” And seeing things in a new way? Is that some new term for “narrow-mindedness” that I haven’t heard before?

The reader continues, “Each character defines his or her own life.” At first I was impressed with the profoundness of this statement, until I realized that I have no idea what that even means. Is this a good thing? I can’t tell. Finally, the reader finishes her essay with, “The author also creates a world that is different from my life,” implying that she clearly does not live in a town of bigoted WASPs where the histrionic teenagers run the show. Good for her!

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