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#8 – Heartbreaker


Jessica Wakefield looks, well, let’s just say not like “the most adorable, most dazzling sixteen-year-old imaginable” on this cover. In fact, it appears that the story’s about a bored housewife/MILF seducing her pool boy.

So as you know, surfer dude Bill Chase is in love with Jess now. Howevs, Jess is only fucking with him; she’s still pissed that he wouldn’t take her to one of SVH’s 8 million dances once upon a time.

Jess, Bill, and the rest of the drama club rehearsing the play Splendor in the Grass. Jessica has the lead and acts like an annoying brat on set, insisting that Bill isn’t smooching her right. If I were Mr. Jaworski, the drama coach, I’d kick her ass out for being unprofessional and wasting everyone’s time, even if it is only a high school play. I know, I know—I got no chill.

While Bill falls all over himself to do shit for Jessica, DeeDee Gordon pines for him from somewhere in the depths of the supporting cast. Bill agrees to give DeeDee surfing lessons, but this displeases Jess; as far as Jessica is concerned, Bill must devote every waking second of his life to worshipping her while she goes on dates with Tom McKay. There’s a bunch of times when DeeDee and Bill are bonding over surfing and Jess comes over and lures him away, forcing DeeDee to hold back her tears.

We get an entire chapter devoted to Bill’s past and inward thoughts, and we learn the reason why he could never love again until Jessica: A long time ago, he fell for a surfer named Julianne, who loved “old movies and monster comics and Mexican food,” and obviously was mad cool. In fact, she was so cool, she simply was unallowed to continue to exist in the Sweet Valley universe: Julianne died on a rainy night in a car crash after she and Bill had an argument, thus significantly screwing him up.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Wakefield is 100 percent cured from her coma and has no lingering trauma, so she can fully devote her thoughts and energy toward jealous feelings regarding her boyfriend, Todd Wilkins, whose hot ex-girlfriend, Patsy, is fresh off the plane from Paris and back at SVH. It turns out that a few years ago, Todd and Patsy were in love and joined at the pelvis or something. Instead of confessing her fears to her boyfriend, Liz naturally spends the majority of the story avoiding him and moping around. No matter how sociopathic Jess is, Liz certainly has her share of problems.

Jess hosts a pool party, during which everyone literally stops what they’re doing to watch her dive in the pool and tell her how awesome she is. GIVE ME A BREAK. She and Tom McKay are all over each other, having cutesy water fights, which makes Bill feel like shit, considering he just ditched DeeDee for the thousandth time for a chance to hang out with Jess.

Meanwhile, Liz spots Todd rubbing suntan lotion on Patsy’s naked back. NOES! She then barricades herself in her room and weeps while Todd hovers outside her door, demanding that she talk to him. Where are Ned and Alice, the Wakefield parents? Can you even imagine tolerating a sixteen-year-old guy banging on your teenage daughter’s bedroom door while she weeps behind it? I can’t imagine tolerating a sixteen-year-old guy doing much, let’s be frank.

Instead of comforting Liz, Jess tells her sister that she believes Todd and Patsy are indeed fooling around. You see, Jess hates that Todd monopolizes too much of her sister’s time and—you guessed it—Todd turned Jess down once. How does this girl keep track of all her grudges? But don’t worry—Liz and Todd eventually clear up all the confusion in about two pages and reaffirm their love for one another. Bleh. These two.

It turns out that DeeDee’s dad is a big Hollywood agent who wants to discover someone in the school play, and of course Jess assumes it will be her. She’s so preoccupied with her thoughts of fame that she doesn’t care that Bill’s hanging out with DeeDee. In fact, she encourages it, which breaks poor Bill’s heart.

But it all works out: Bill realizes his true feelings for DeeDee when she nearly dies in rough waters when surfing and he rescues her. As she lies on the beach, gasping for breath, he wonders why he never before realized how pretty she is. Oh, Lord. They have a sandy embrace and kisses filled with “passionate tenderness.” Of course!

The majesty that is Splendor in the Grass is unveiled to an amazed audience, and even though Jess is sure that it’s going to be her big night, Bill Chase is picked to be the movie star. Ha! Suck it, Jess! However, I think that Bill’s too hot to act, even though he does carry his script rolled up in his back pocket. (FINE.) Still, he should stick to surfing and being aloof.

Anyway, now that Bill (who is described as a “young Robert Redford”—twins with Mr. Collins!) is on the brink of fame, Jess decides to ride his coattails into stardom and turns on the charm again. DeeDee runs away in tears and commiserates with Roger Barrett, who’s tragically POOR and in love with rich Lila Fowler. Roger and DeeDee go to the cast party together, where Jess is draping herself all over Bill, who finally gets the balls to admit he’d rather be with DeeDee than Jess. Then he and DeeDee exchange “I love yous.” Are you surprised?

Other Notes

  • I’m sick of this B.S. about how nice Liz is in comparison to her sister when she’s totally an accessory to Jess’s behavior. She knows what a shit her sis is to everyone, but merely expresses sympathy and silent disapproval as her sister treats everyone like dirt. HATE!
  • Liz is uncomfortable about classmate Lois Waller, whom she thinks is “always trying so hard to impress people, to be in the center of things” (and yet we’re just hearing about her now). WTF, Liz? What do you think your sister does? Ugh, I’m so full of Liz Hate today.
  • Jess says, “A girl really needs to be self-sufficient these days” and immediately asks Bill to go fetch her script for her. Please, ghostwriter—tell me that’s intentional.
  • “Elizabeth was struck, as she often was, by how athletic her father looked…” And that ain’t all—sometimes there are passages where the twins stop to ponder the hotness of their older brother, Steven. ::smooths crawling skin back into place::

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