#77 – Cheating to Win

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Argh! Why does that chick—Annie Whitman—look so familiar? She looks like an actress in some show… Oh, this is going to haunt me now; I’m the type of person to dwell on these sorts of things. Is it Shannon Doherty during her Girls Just Want To Have Fun days? BTW: Who let her go out dressed like that? I’m never worrying about anything I wear ever again.

What is Tony Esteban hiding from Annie? Well, let me tell you…

Tony’s a track “star” who is such a “star” that he’s heading for the Olympics! And he’s super into his new girlfriend, cheerleader and ex-wrong-kind-of-girl Annie Whitman, because of her “independence and her warmth” and because she smells yummy. The only dark cloud in Tony’s life now is the fact that his dad is up his butt about his track times and the like and making him want to blow his head off. Parents just don’t understand.

Then, all of Tony’s good luck and joy falls in the toilet when he slips and falls during a track meet—right in front of an Olympic talent scout (who just happens to be in the SV area)! He effs up his knee and his dad’s all pissed that Tony ruined his chance at Olympic glory, so Tony’s pressured to get well more than soon. Enter eighteen-year-old muscle head Lou Orton, who offers Tony some of his “magic vitamins.” Thank you, Francine, for candy coating the troof with a playful euphemism. My wide, innocent eyes, you know. Tony, frustrated with his knee not becoming magically healed in .03 seconds, decides to give ‘em a try, and is all, “What are these called?” …Really? He’s an athlete and he has no clue?

Meanwhile, Roger Barrett Patman (RBP) is temporarily housing a thirteen-year-old rebel named Mitch who has a drinking problem and a pierced ear. The Patmans throw Mitch a party, which Bruce Patman calls “a ‘rescue a hoodlum’ barbeque.” Oh, Bruce, how I’ve missed you. Tony Esteban becomes Mitch’s hero because he doesn’t take any of Mitch’s shit and gives him some SADD speech on not drinking. Bah—the “don’t drink!” speech goes on for decades and decades and pages and pages. What will Mitch do when he finds out that Mitch is taking “magic vitamins”? Who will he count on then?

Tony starts getting irritable and competitive and hatin’ on Annie for worrying about him (syd efex!), and then he finally realizes what “magic vitamins” really are. He also learns that his dad may actually not be right about everything. Brilliant, Holmes. Nevertheless, he continues to grow into a bigger jerkenstein and gives RBP a nice shove during a race. He’s even a douche to his little buddy Mitch! Then Annie finds the magic vitamins in his locker and ALSO doesn’t know what they are, but she does her detective work and confronts Tony. It doesn’t go well, as I’m sure you could assume. So Annie confides in RBP (and frickin’ Liz) and RBP suggests that they get placebos made up for Tony, who feels like a toolbox when Mitch blows all the money’s he’s been saving on a bike on trip to come back to Sweet Valley and watch Tony’s Big Race. When it rains, it pours.

But Tony turns his life around when he hears Lou reaming out one of his poor customers, who’s all, “Steroids are illegal! You didn’t tell me that when you started selling them to me.” (Were steroids this big of a mystery back then?) Tony comes clean to his dad, who admits that he’s been living vicariously through him and that his son’s much smarter than him… the same son who didn’t know what “magic vitamins” were. I’m scared for our country. Tony tries to withdraw from the race with his dad’s support and his own self-respect, but Coach Featherston determines that there isn’t enough steroids in his system to penalize him so he gets to run. And Mitch is there, with his homemade sign that simply says “TONY”, to see Tony win The Big Race, and Tony learns that “magic didn’t come from pills. Magic was something you made yourself.” BAAAARF.

Back to the Wakefields: Todd Wilkins is a grumpy pants because Liz wants to immerse herself in everyone’s lives when he wants to some “us time.” Liz keeps inviting all sorts of people to do shit with her and Todd, and Todd is ready to blow his stack and starts treating Liz like his buddy because that’s how it seems to him. So Liz devises a plan to kidnap him, all the while Todd is planning to get Winston Egbert to kidnap her (and blindfold her with magenta pantyhose)—to the same romantic restaurant! (For someone who’s been kidnapped and tied up several times in “one year”, Liz sure takes it lightly.) OMG, too much! They’re such soul mates, you guys.

Other Notes:

• I like how Prince Albert—the Wakefield family dog—reappears every so often, for no real reason other than as if to say, “Hey! Remember me? I’m the dog! I’m going to do lovable dog things now!”
• Everyone older than 16 who is not a parent or Penny Ayala is evil. Especially those seniors.
• Liz vows to “try extra hard to remind Todd that they could still be in love even in a crowded room.” GUFFAW.
• The weirdest, most unlikely people hang out together in Sweet Valley. Por ejemplo, Winston is hanging out a track meet with Claire Middleton and Dana Larson.
• Big Mesa is the only school they ever compete with. And Sweet Valley always wins. Why does Big Mesa even bother?
• RBP is so pissed!: “I don’t know who got him started on steroids, but whoever it is should have his head examined. With a drill.” These are fightin’ words!

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