* Photo credit to The Closet *
Wow. Amy’s True Love or Amy’s Truly Fuggo? Wow some more. Her nose = the penis-looking nose option for Miis. This is the girl who bagged Bruce Patman and, subsequently, caused Regina Morrow to die?
And Tom McKay… Well, just look at him, for the love of G. He looks more delicate than Amy does. But this ain’t surprising. You’ll see.
And now for an “in-depth” look into the already shallow world of Amy Sutton.
Tom and Jean West have been going out for forevs—for 45 books! But now they’re so over, even though they don’t understand just why. Jean’s sobbing all over her “Mystery Sandwich” at the lunch table, and Amy has about as much tact as a fucking anvil falling on a coyote when she prances over and announces she can’t wait to start feelin’ up Tom. Everyone’s appalled by her antics—even though they’ve all done their own wrong-kind-of-girling around town—and Jess and Lila Fowler (the biggest perpetrators of them all) give her the cold shoulder to teach her a lesson. They truly are complete douches to her and thrive on publicly humiliating her, even though none of them can ever say they haven’t acted the same. Oh, whatevs. The truth is, Amy is too stupid and awful to understand what they’re doing to her and why anyway; even her super successful parents are ashamed to have borne her. Amy, desperately jealous of her parents’ relationship with each other (…awkward), is preoccupied only with turning over a new leaf by giving up being a trampasaurus and landing herself a boyfriend (enter Tom McKay) to win her parents’ love. This is some quality SVH logic here.
In danger of failing sociology, Amy ends up manning the hotlines at Project Youth, a clinic for troubled youth, where she meets Barry Rork, a funny, sensitive tennis player who’s friends with Tom. Amy is excited about this, thinking she can get Barry to put in a good word for her to Tom. Howevs, Barry is totally in love with Amy, and Tom wants absolutely nothing to do with Amy and begs Barry to take her off his hands. He’s tryin’, man, he’s tryin’! Amy finds her very first boy-space-friend in Barry and actually looks forward to working at the clinic. She has more depth than a Dixie cup after all! But no matter what, she still seeks validation from Tom, which is obviously a great plan.
In a blatant act of hypocrisy, Jess and Lila continue to shun Amy and mock her for chasing Tom while they all but molest Jake Farrell, Enid Rollins’ hunky cousin from San Francisco who has “wonderful hazel eyes that twinkled intelligently” and likes tennis and jazz. Unfortunately for J&L, Jake is hopelessly gay. (Did you miss the part when I mentioned the jazz, and the tennis, and San Francisco?) Jake is also spending a lot of time with Tom and they have total man crushes on each other. More than man crushes, actually: Jake admits to Tom that he’s gay, and Tom freaks out and realizes that he’s gay too! He had noticed something previously inexplicable was wrong with his relationship with Jean: “He wasn’t sure why, but he had begun to feel as if something important was missing from their relationship.” Now he realizes that it was a second penis. And who is one of the first people he comes out to but Elizabeth Goddamn Wakefield, who just happens to be in the right place at the right time, as always. Is it really necessary to get her input on everything? Jesus.
After an embarrassing public rejection from Tom and a snide “dumb blonde” comment from Kirk “The Jerk” Anderson, Amy gives up on Tom and makes up with her asshole friends. Amy learns that Barry stood up for her honor against Kirk, and Jess puts her stamp of approval on Barry, thus officially making it okay for Amy to now like Barry without any worries. Everyone finds out that Amy is volunteering at Project Youth and that is how Amy finds real validation! That, and she scores Barry as a boyfriend. Fin!
Other Notes:
- Here’s something great: Amy’s parents actually act like real people. Maybe it’s all that time they spent in Connecticut, i.e., away from Sweet Valley. At any rate, when Amy’s going on and on to her mom Dyan (is that the perfect anchorwoman name or what?) about how she’s “in love” with Tom McKay, her mom totally calls her on it, and asks him what he’s like, and Amy doesn’t even have a flipping clue. “You’re not in love with someone just because he has blonde hair and plays tennis, are you?” Dyan asks her idiot kid, as she really ought to ask just about every other teenager in this series as well. (BTW: Blonde? Excuse me, but is Tom’s hair not totally BROWN on the cover?)
- Now I’m beginning to question Todd Wilkins’ sexuality too. When Liz says how excited she is to meet Jake, Todd’s all, “Me too. He sounds terrific.” Find me a straight guy who said that about any other dude in those exact words.
- Okay, I’m sorry but I’m dying to do this: TOM MCGAY TOM MCGAY TOM MCGAY. Okay. I feel a bit better now.
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