* Photo credit to The Closet *
Oh. My dear. This is by far the most homoerotic cover on any book in the world that pretended to be straight. Actually—with their intense gazes, strategically placed hands caressing each other, and a caption reading “What’s happening between Neil and Andy?” (not to mention the number of the book)—I’m not so sure this cover is pretending to be straight. And I thought this book was about racism!
Oracle editor-in-chief Penny “The Spaz” Ayala’s boyfriend Neil Freemount hangs out with Andy Jenkins, a Black science whiz who plays the French horn. He also plays guitar in Baja Beat, the band that almost gave The Droids a run for their money. But some people don’t think Andy’s cool at all! In fact, he finds his locker filled with cafeteria garbage accompanied by the words “Go back to Africa where you belong” written on the inside. Andy wants to deal with it his way, as in not dealing with it, but Neil knows that “ignoring the problem wouldn’t make it go away,” because being white in Sweet Valley, Neil deals with this sort of thing all the time—NOT! Opposite Day!
Let’s chat about school bully Charlie Cashman for a moment. He can’t help but be a racist tool; he was raised by ‘ignant Frank and Marge, who don’t trust South American soccer players and grumble about how unfair affirmative action is. Neil’s dad, who works with Frank, also gets to say all sorts of fun bigoted things, like, “I don’t have anything against Black people. Lots of them are really nice!” Oh dear.
Andy wins a marine biology scholarship and Charlie’s like, “I heard you got picked out for a special prize because you’re Black.” Why does Charlie even care? It’s not like he was up for the award, considering his IQ is only high enough to allow him to walk upright. Cashman’s harassment puts Andy in a really bad mood, and Andy starts taking it out on Neil, who’s still begging Andy to do so something about all this nasty heckling. Neil’s like, “Think of how Martin Luther King, Jr., would react to a situation like this—“ and Andy’s like, “Who do you think you are? Don’t talk to me about Dr. King!” This isn’t going well, is it?
UGH—and Neil goes to LIZ for advice. I hate life. Neil realizes that “Andy’s reaction was so much like Charlie’s: Andy had insisted that he didn’t need any help from white people,” and Liz is like “I don’t know if that’s exactly the same thing. It is true that white people have discriminated against Blacks for hundreds of years. Maybe Andy has a good reason to feel angry and suspicious about the white establishment.” I’m dying at the grossness of Liz chatting about “the white establishment.”
Then Charlie shows up at Neil’s house all haggard and nervous because his home life is hell and asks Neil to go for a drive with him. This means just going out to Chrome Dome’s house and laying on the horn for ten seconds before driving off, which prompts Neil to think, “Charlie was pretty wild, and he did some outrageous things.” I think that’s a politically correct term for “redneck asshole.”
Then Charlie’s dad gets fired by his Black supervisor, probably for being a douche. Oh noes! Charlie is already clearly the stuff school shootings are made of. Charlie and his cronies jump Andy with Neil as a witness, and Charlie goads Neil into punching Andy while he’s unconscious because Andy’s been so cantankerous and rude to Neil lately—and Neil actually does! This is insane! WHAT’S HAPPENING BETWEEN NEIL AND ANDY?!
There’s all this hoopla at school about who attacked Andy, who’s not giving out names, and Neil’s wandering the halls, freaking the ef out because he feels like a racist monster. Then SVH decides to get socially aware and do an exercise re: prejudice using eye color, which sounds like something straight out of a kindergarten lesson plan. All the white kids then realize that being prejudiced against is no fun at all!
Then Neil’s dad praises Neil for hitting Andy—“I know your heart was in the right place. … You probably felt a little worried about it, but I know Andy had it coming”—and Neil feels like barfing. Parents just don’t understand. I do approve of all the self-loathing Neil is doing, though. Neil is terrified to tell Andy that he hit him too, and Charlie tries to rope Neil into another bout of violence against Andy. Neil confesses the truth to Andy before Charlie can, and everyone is shocked and appalled. But then GODDAMN LIZ SHOWS UP and dispenses some obnoxious wisdom that helps Neil sleep through the night. This prompts Neil to be brave and stand by his man when Charlie and his posse rear their ugly mugs, but now that Charlie has to deal with both Andy and Neil and Andy’s threat of a lawsuit, he’s all, “What makes you think I’d even waste my time on you, anyway?” and shuffles on his way.
And then…the story ends loosely! Andy and Neil don’t become friends again, they just say, “See you around” and walk off into their own horizons. I’m uncomfy now! Where’s all the making out that the cover promised me?
They crammed so much in 140 pages!
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