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#68 – The Love Bet

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Wow, I can’t get over how absolutely annoying Liz looks on this cover. I’m envisioning her sounding like that ASSHOLE in the game Dream Phone: “I know who it is, but I’m not telling. Ha. Ha.” Shun! Anyway, that’s Todd Wilkins, looking like John Krasinski + John Mulaney and much older than SIXTEEN. He appears to not even be listening to Liz’s nonsense as he stares at me with his unnerving, penetrating gaze.

AT LAST! There’s going to be a “new rock band” named Baja Beat (sounds like a bunch of stoned conga players) at Sweet Valley High, bringing up the number of bands to exactly two. Droids’ singer Dana Larson isn’t concerned with the competition; in fact, she’s looking forward to it because she’s down with love post-breakup with Brent. (WTF? Wasn’t his name BRETT?) She’s very adamant about her position, too, and is constantly shrieking, “Love is pointless!” and gets up to do an improvised song on being fed up with love. (I’m thinking—hoping—Lili Taylor in Say Anything here. “Brent/Brett lie-hies! When he cri-hies!”) Doth she protest too much? Meanwhile, soccer star Aaron Dallas is in absolute agreement with her: “The world would be a much better place without [love].” That’s not what J.Lennon once said. Wow, these guys really are a laugh a minute.

Dana and Aaron are so ridonculous in their cynicism that Liz can’t help getting involved with their issue and dragging Todd into it because, as far as she’s concerned, no one’s allowed to NOT be pining for someone else in Sweet Valley (“I just want everybody to be as happy as I am”) and what better way than to pair up the two people who are super uninterested in love and have absolutely nothing in common? It’s genius! So Liz and Todd make a bet—a love bet, if you will: If Dana and Aaron fall “in love,” Liz wins, and if they don’t, Todd wins. What are the stakes? Being “granted three wishes.” Now I bet that all three of Todd’s wishes begin with “B” and end in “lowjob”.

What’s frustrating is that A) Everyone in school seems to be in on this little game, and B) They’re setting up D&A just for funsies, not because they’d actually be good for each other. Liz even admits that the only thing they have in common is that they’re fed up with love! Anyway, here’s the plan: Initially, Liz and Todd drop hints that Aaron’s asking lots of questions about Dana and vice versa, which results in D&A blushing when they see each other. Then Liz invites Dana to see a movie with her and Todd while Todd invites Aaron, and pre-movie Dana confesses that lately her songwriting sucks because she’s not in love. And Aaron thinks his outfit isn’t good enough for someone like Dana. Admittedly, it’s a tad cute. However, Aaron can’t stop checking out Dana’s legs and she can’t help but marvel at his sensitivity toward the Hepburn-Tracy romance, and thus Liz thinks they’re a perfect couple. Oh, good grief. Then Aaron effs it up by saying that Dana’s “Fed Up with Love” song is sooooooo cool and soooo true, and she’s all put off. Oh, snap! But Dana falls asleep thinking of Aaron and Aaron can’t do math because of Dana! What will become of their union?!

At Todd’s insistence, Aaron asks Dana to a jazz concert and they’re joined by Todd and Liz. (How could they NOT feel like this was a double date with L&T around?) He asks her for her thoughts on music and he likens jazz to soccer and they’re SO in love, man! But then she emphatically refers to them as friends, effectively murdering the mood. Get over it!

As for J.Wake, a battle of the bands is in the works, and the Baja Beat has thrown down the gauntlet, challenging the Droids to see who the best band EVAR is, and Jessica volunteers to be a roadie at the show in order to distract herself from the fact that Dana is potentially stealing Aaron off her dating roster, despite that she has no real interest in Aaron. Oh, give me a break, on so many levels. She and Lila Fowler tend to the needs of the band Spontaneous Combustion fronted by some dude named Spy Lazarus. Names like these make me want to be a rock star.

Back to D&A. Dana goes to one of Aaron’s game and is oh so proud of him for being the top scorer and having so much sexy stamina. They and their chaperones, Todd and Liz, plan to go to a play at the Civic Center. (For being teenagers, they sure do some grandparent-esque dating.) This is after Dana gets a card in her locker that reads, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve changed my mind, how about you?” Eeeeeeeee! Howevs, it’s from Todd, and it pisses Liz off that he didn’t run it by her first. But why would he want Liz to win the bet? Think about it, Wakefield.

D&A end up going to the play alone after Liz conveniently has to baby-sit, and Dana “never felt more alive”! Then she brings up the card, and Aaron says it wasn’t from him and that it’s Todd’s handwriting. What guy notices his casual acquaintance’s handwriting? MORE CONVENIENCE! Dana realizes that L&T are playing them and flees the scene, all upset. Then she calls Liz to inform her that her friendship was over, and then Liz yells at Todd. OMG a Liz and Todd fight that leaves Liz wondering if “things would ever be the same between them”! How I’ve missed those.

The battle of the bands rolls around, and Aaron corners Dana that night and drags her out to the soccer field to tell her that L&T’s plan worked, and then “their lips met in a passionate, electric kiss.” And everyone loves the Droids the best—even better than Baja Beat! Then D&A pay it forward and get L&T talking again with anonymous, typed notes, and everyone’s in love 4eva and eva.

Meanwhile, Spy is tall and scrawny and smokes and calls Jess and Lila “chicks” and “babes,” and they get all offended and hate life. Lila fakes a sprained wrist, leaving Jess to do all the work in a mini skirt. Har har. Jess accidentally plugs in the wrong shit and effs up Spontaneous Combustion’s set—oops. The end!

Other Notes:

  • Dana somehow gets her lyrics published in The Oracle. What kind of crappy paper is this?
  • I hate how Liz will generally never hang out with someone prior to meddling in his/her lives. These people are around for one book, doing everything with Liz, and then they vanish. Por ejemplo, since when are Liz and Dana such good friends that Liz can invite Dana out to a movie and have that be normal?
  • UGH: Not only do the Droids wear costumes, but Dana wants to give them all a jungle motif.
  • Spontaneous Combustion has a song called “Hold Me Till I Hate You.” This is the Puddle of Mudd of SVH.
  • The three wishes Liz wins: A dozen roses, a week of chore-doing and book-carrying, and a “Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch.” Lolz.
  • Did Jeffrey French die or transfer schools since Liz dumped him? That’s convenient for her; she doesn’t have to deal with her ex every day. How Wakefieldian everything worked out, hmm?

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