* Photo credit to The Closet *
Does Liz have barrettes in every color of the rainbow? Is that a ridiculous question (with an obvious answer)? And here’s an earth-shattering question: Where are the lavalieres? Have they actually taken them off?!
In today’s saga, divorce threatens to tear the Wakefield family apart, thus plunging them down to a lower rung in Sweet Valley’s social hierarchy!
Ned and Alice’s marriage is absolute shambles, you guys. Ned has moved out the family’s Spanish-styled homestead and is putting all his energy into running for mayor (what? Random) while his beloved Alice takes afternoons off from her important interior decorating job to swim sadly in the pool. Elizabeth is living in the pits of despair over this and wants nothing more than to get her parents back together, while Jessica has moved on to better things, namely trying to set her parents up with other people, which is a freaking great idea. Jess amazes me, she really does. Meanwhile, Liz is trying to craft ideas to get her parents back together, most of which are crappy (e.g., talk about how great Dad’s campaign ideas are, thinking that’ll make him irresistible to Mom, until Mom cries). Liz, just quit while you’re ahead.
So guess who Jess is trying to set Alice up with? I’ll give you a hint: He looks like a young Robert Redford. Jess drags her mother to a conference with Mr. Collins in hopes of setting them up, while she’s thinking her fahjah and some hot attorney, Amanda Mason, would make a cute couple, but alas! Amanda’s engaged. However, Alice and Mr. Collins agree to meet for dinner and “some friendly conversation” at Chez Sam. Oooh! Will he confide in Alice about how much he wants to get in Liz’s pants?
But Ned takes the girls out to Chez Sam that night and barely blinks an eye about his wifey canoodling with the girls’ English teacher, which sends Lizzy in a tizzy. But that all melts away when Ned invites the couple to eat with them and they compliment each other. What a complex relationship! Jess’ goal is sort of making me crack up though, especially when Liz puts it so absurdly: “How can you keep trying to fix Mom up with dates?” Oh, geez. But speaking of tact, after Liz gets done thinking that Jess has no tact, she asks Maria Santelli—whose father got accused of taking bribes and thus pulled himself out of the running for mayor—if she wants to work on Ned’s campaign. And Liz thinks the idea’s brilliant!
In other news, Ned’s getting sleazy advice from his sleazy political advisor Jim Knapp, who Maria Santelli discovers is a jerk times a billion. I don’t even feel like getting into the political aspects of this story because it’s watered down anyway and frankly I just don’t care. So while Jess tries to set her mom up in a bi-racial love affair with some Ramon Valdes (spicy! But he’s waaaaayy too into his cats), the Scoobies (Maria, Liz, and some random person named Terry [who I don’t know is a boy or a girl, I wasn’t really paying attention]) devise a plan to prove that Knapp is the next Richard Nixon. It’s all Sweet Valley-gate up in here! Or something. The Scoobies break into Knapp’s office and fiddle around until they learn that—GASP!—Knapp wants to…to…build a boardwalk on the beautiful Sweet Valley coastline! How dare he!
Liz tells Ned about the whole shebang, and he feels so deceived! He doesn’t know who to trust… But wait: Alice. His precious Alice! They rush over to the Wakefield abode and they talk about what to do next, blah blah blah. During Ned’s speech the next day, he pimps Maria’s dad’s good name to the crowd and declares, “I won’t let anyone ever say that Ned Wakefield is tainted by dirty politics!” You tell ‘em, Eddy. Knapp gets arrested and Ned withdraws from the race, and Alice pushes through the crowd to embrace him. It really makes the heart soar. And Maria’s dad re-enters the race and toat wins. Hot, Winston Egbert’s bangin’ the mayor’s daughter.
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