* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jess looks pretty on this cover. But why must her bangs always be so horrible? Liz looks like she had a late night spent partying and is giving the cops the “Well, what can you do?” look. I don’t even have to tell you what Steven Wakefield looks like. He should consider trying out for an episode of Star Trek.
As you can discern from the title, there’s trouble at home in the Wakefield residence! The title actually isn’t misleading for once! Alice has been working her well-toned ass off at her design firm after being granted the opportunity to revamp the inside of the mall. And, while she’s showing up late for dinner acting like interior decorating a shopping center is as critical as brain surgery, Ned is deep in the doldrums because he feels like his career in law is useless so he’s always moaning and groaning about his job like a grumpy old man. Alice’s career only continues to grow and flourish, but Ned’s has reached a standstill, especially when Maria Santelli’s father, who is running for mayor, is accused of bribery and Ned tries to defend him only to have the case thrown out. This leads to sarcastic remarks and nasty arguments at home. To be honest, it’s pretty boring listening to them gripe to each other, about each other: “You’re late for dinner again, I hate you” “I’m sorry, I’m just too, too successful” “I’m going in the bedroom to pout” “That’s okay, I’ll be at the office.” Blah blah blah. Most of the book takes place around seven o’ clock, dinnertime, and it goes the same, whiny way.
Ned is approached by Hank Patman, Bruce’s dad (where is Bruce these days?), who, despite that Ned stole the love of his life once upon a time, wants Ned to run for mayor himself now that Maria’s dad’s name wasn’t cleared. Ned agrees to think about it and doesn’t tell anyone, but Jess had overheard and blabs about it during a family weekend at the fairly remote Lake Tahoe, and this ignites another Ned/Alice fight. Liz scolds Jess about it, but Jess is like, “If they’re not getting along with each other, it’s not my fault!” which is surprisingly healthy, I think. Anyway, speaking of this family trip, Alice promises not to bring work along but she does, and then the design firm keeps calling even though they promised only to call when it was urgent, and then finally, when everyone’s horseback riding, Alice has to go back early because her design team fucked up big time and lost all their work. Ned flips shit and says he is going to run for mayor just to spite her and that if she goes back early, she’s walking out on their marriage. And what does Alice do? Ride off into the sunset like John motherfuckin’ Wayne, man!
Liz, of course, is freaking out about all this, but Jess could care less because she’s stumbled across a teen party hotline! This is so early ’90s, I love it. She sucks up the dollar-a-minute charge in the quest for true love and falls for Charlie, some dude from a nearby town who tells her that she has a “dazzling” voice. But the trouble is, Charlie is always coming up with excuses not to meet Jess. How can this be? We don’t know, because the book ends abruptly. Loose ends!
Other Notes:
- I admit I never called a party line. Are you all just talking over each other? How is it that Jess keeps talking to the same five people every time?
- Charlie’s apparently a poet (“I thought about you without stopping. You were the substance of every breath I drew”), and Jess is “completely charmed.” “A poet… on a teen talk line? What were the odds of that happening?” Like, never to never! Does that even make sense? In any case, I mean it would never happen.
- Along the same lines, Charlie tells Jess, “You have the blondest voice I’ve ever heard.” Is this a compliment?
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