* Photo credit to The Closet *
First, that girl—Andrea—looks nothing like Steven Wakefield’s long-dead girlfriend Tricia Martin. She looks like cheap, big-haired mall ho, which she is. Second, do I really have to say what Steven looks like? When Alice and Ned conceived him, do they really mean that they assembled him in their basement from car parts? Although, to be fair, he is looking a tad like Spock today. Live long and prosper, Steve. (Unlike Tricia. BURN!)
Steven ignores the fact that he has a devoted girlfriend, Cara Walker, in order to live with himself when he goes out with Andrea, the salesgirl from the Unique Boutique, who looks, sounds, and dresses just like Tricia. She’s so much like Tricia, he can’t stop calling her “Tricia” and forces her to order chef salads because that’s what Tricia liked to eat. And she likes the things that Tricia used to like, like walking on the beach! Because it’s so freaking hard to find someone who likes that, especially in southern California. Steve, I thought you go to college, so why aren’t you smart yet? Liz gives Steven about five guilt trips, explaining the myriad of reasons why this whole shebang is a bad idea, but he just won’t listen.
Cara, however, is ready to commit suicide because Steven’s such a douche. Steven’s suddenly thinks Cara is too immature for him and shuns her for not supporting his random desire to hang glide (after all, Andrea approves!). So they break up, and Steven goes on dates with Andrea and gets weirded out when she wants to order vanilla instead of chocolate ice cream (noes!) and takes it upon himself to direct her hairstyle in a more Tricia-inspired style. Someone get this boy to therapy, stat. Cara mopes around, and her best friend Jess thinks she’s become boring. That’s swell.
Steven gets in a hang gliding accident and winds up in a coma (how Wakefield of him), during which he screams out Tricia’s name. I’m so sick of this Tricia girl, it’s unreal. He wakes up and is looking forward to seeing Tric—er, Andrea, but Jess tells him she saw Andrea at the movie with some guy, and then Steven sees her Frenching someone. They call off their romance—actually, Andrea calls it off—and Steven feels sorry for himself and decides to take Cara back, after she is the one to make all the efforts to see him, confess her feelings, etc. Steven’s a real fucker.
Meanwhile, Jess falls for Keith, a boring do-gooder in a “No Nukes” tee who’s out to save the world and thus can’t even spare two hours to see a trashy movie Jess wants to see, even though Jess has been bustin’ her hump to pass out fliers on recycling (such a counterproductive move) and sit through tedious board meetings regarding trash incinerators just to please him. (He would rather watch a documentary on reindeer. Shut up, guy.) Jess finally gets so annoyed with him that she revels in all her superficial Jessicaness, which is refreshing after dealing with Keith’s exciting antics. The best compliment he ever gave her was literally “You don’t look too decrepit.” How touching! Good riddance. Still, I admire Jess’ efforts to read up on acid rain and oil exploration. She’s so well-rounded! I can’t believe I just said that.
Other Notes:
- Do my eyes spy innuendo? Jessica: “If I spend some time with Keith, it [being his do-gooding] might just rub off.” Liz: “An interesting choice of words.” My heart thrills.
- Ned and Alice Wakefield are constantly at each other’s throats, bitching about all sorts of things and giving Liz an ulcer. It’s embarrassing to read how childish they act: They argue over how to cook Steven’s steak. Then again, all adults in SVH are idiots so why am I surprised?
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