* Photo credit to The Closet *
Who is who? Does anybody even care?
Jess is griping about the immaturity of SVH boys, but the ghostwriter reminds us that “Jessica had dated nearly all of them, and now she had finally run out of guys to go out with.” That’s a polite way of phrasing a sentiment I’ve seen scrawled on bathroom walls. Anyway, enter Lovestruck Computer Dating’s services, which proclaim “Teens Our Specialty,” which just sounds so wrong. Jess gets two applications so she can invent two different personalities in an effort to avoid dating the same dudes she’s always dated. And the names of the personalities? Drum roll….
Daniella Fromage and Magenta Galaxy.
First of all, never name yourself a foreign term for cheese, and second, I want “Magenta Galaxy” to be my username for just about everything in this world, starting today. Anyway, Daniella likes “foreign films, modern poetry, French cuisine, and world travel” while Magenta is “a wild rocker whose passions were ‘everything new and anything hot.’” Of course, Liz is all, “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and “You’re trying to turn yourself into something that you’re not.” She isn’t, Liz! Can’t she have some fun? Quit being such a wiener. Argh, I’m yelling at fictional characters again.
Daniella’s perfect match is Pierre Du Lac, a sophisticated world traveler whose favorite foods are “truffles and foie gras.” Jess takes a crash course in culture from Suzanne Hanlon, the snobfest who tortured Ken Matthews, in the Hanlons’ solarium (dear God). On the other hand, Magenta’s perfect match is “Brett S.”, who wants to be a race car driver or a guitar player and is all, “Hi, it’s me, I think we should meet” in one breath on the phone. To achieve Magenta’s Magentaness, Jess turns to the Droids’ singer Dana Larson for advice on “superhip culture”. Even if Jess is doing this all for a dude (or two), I admire her for making an effort to know what she’s talking about.
On Friday, Jess/Daniella goes out with Pierre to a fancy restaurant, he’s super cute, and something tells me that Pierre is full of crap with the sophistication bit, and not just because I’ve become all but desensitized to this formulaic tripe: Jess is name dropping and speaking French like crazy and he’s looking at her blankly. The next night, Jess sprays a temporary blue streak in her hair and goes out with Brett S., who’s the “sexiest hard rocker she had ever seen,” although he’s only wearing a leather jacket and he drives up in an Oldsmobile. He takes her to see a rockin’ band at some rockin’ club AND! Something tells me that Brett isn’t all that tough either! Oh dear oh me! I sense antics!
It naturally winds up so that Jess has two dates scheduled for the same night at the same time. Liz owes Jess a favor for Jess helping her buy a dress for the Valentine’s Day dance, so they agree to take turns being both Magenta and Daniella at the same Chinese restaurant, the Lotus House. Oh man, I am sooo bracing myself for this one. Liz catches on much faster than Jess that both dudes are absolute liars and totally calls them out on their shit, which is the first time I’ve ever actually really enjoyed Liz. What’s funny is that Liz ends up ordering for both Daniella and Magenta something that she likes and that Jess hates, and the girls run back and forth to the bathroom to change accessories. It’s actually quite hilarious, really.
Liz calls both dudes fakes and phonies and ruins the date(s), and Jess is super pissed at her for it, and Liz vows to make it up to her sister despite rationalizing “How many times had Jessica taken other people’s romances into her own hands?” So she has Pierre show up at the Wakefield residence, only Pierre isn’t Pierre—he’s Pete, and he was just trying to impress her with his fancy schmanciness. Then the bell rings again, and it’s the mysterious, monosyllabic Brett S., who’s actually an uber prep. THEN Dana and Suzanne come over to collect their crap, and Dana hits it off with Pete, and Suzanne hits it off with Brett, and Jess hits it off with some random dude she met while playing tennis, and Liz gets a perm.
Other Notes:
- Why didn’t Jess just hit up Perfect Match, the dating service she worked at once upon a time? How many matchmaking services does Sweet Valley need? They only have two bars, which I think are necessary for accommodating blind dates!
- ZOMG WORST FREAKING “JOKE” EVER: Jessica calls up Lovestruck while the dog, Prince Albert, is jumping all over her, and she’s yelling at him, and Lovestruck is all serious: “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but if you’ve got a prince after you, why do you need us?” HATEHATEHATE
- Why does everyone let Jess borrow their shit? Secondly, how is everyone magically the same, tiny size? I want to drink the water in Sweet Valley.
- Moshing = “slamdancing” in Sweet Valley.
- As Magenta, Jess wears a necklace with Scrabble letters that spell out “HARD ROCK.” I can’t think of a game that’s less hard rock than Scrabble.
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