* Photo credit to The Closet *
What’s this? A black person in Sweet Valley? This…this must be a mirage.
The caption reads, “Patty’s life is falling apart. Can Elizabeth help?” Can she! Just you give her the chance!
Liz is writing a new feature for The Oracle called “Personal Profiles,” showcasing members of the senior class. This initially sounds like a cute idea, but then you remember that she’s likely writing about the people everyone has known for years. What’s left to discover? I clearly have no faith in the SVH clan. Liz wants to interview dancer Patty Gilbert for the column, but Patty is too preoccupied with the fact that her foxy college boyfriend Jim Hollis is coming home for the weekend and she’s just a wee bit stressed: “One thing was for sure: They needed this weekend together if their romance was going to survive.” No pressure or anything.
Conflict! Patty’s 21-year-old sister Jana is coming home the same weekend Jim is, and she’s got big news: She’s getting married! Patty hasn’t seen Jana in six months so she tries calling Jim to reschedule his visit, but he’s not picking up—where can he be? More mystery! When he pops up in Sweet Valley, he doesn’t take kindly to Patty’s other plans: “It looks like I drove two hours for nothing!” She insinuates he’s been cheating on her, and he gets extra pissed and Patty runs away crying. That went well. All that transpired in about five minutes too.
Patty hopes to confide in Big Sis about her woes, but Jana’s got other stuff on her mind, like, oh say, her impending marriage (at age 21?) to Ted Brewster, a buzzboy from Philly no one in the family has ever met before even though their fahjah says, “Ted, we’re proud to welcome you into the family.” (Why? You don’t know him!) But wait! There’s more! Jana and Ted want to get married in two weeks and head to West Germany, which is where the Air Force is sending Teddy ol’ boy. And all Patty can think about is Jimbo and how she’s going to lose her sister.
Patty tries to get some one-on-one sister time with Jana, but Jana’s way too busy to do much else for/with her aside from appoint her the maid of honor and drag her on bridal errands, while all Patty wants to do is pretty much lay in the bathtub with slit wrists. DeeDee Gordon drags Patty out with her, Bill Chase, and BC’s friend Craig McCaffrey on Saturday night to get her out of the doldrums, and who should she see at the movies but Jim with some hussy wearing a purple headband! She runs away (again!) and later Jim calls her and they yell at each other some more and it’s the proclaimed worst night of Patty’s life.
But don’t worry, Patty! It’s Liz to the rescue, doling out some obvious “Just talk to him!” advice. But then Patty sees Jim playing Frisbee with Purple Headband, and later Jana dismisses Patty and Jim’s fight off as a “little tiff.” Patty tries to talk to Jana about how she feels like she doesn’t exist to anyone anymore, and Jana starts spazzing out and kicks Patty out of the wedding party. I know, it makes so very little sense.
Patty doesn’t even want to go to the wedding at this point—bah, I can’t believe this story is still going on—but then Liz shows up at the house and tells Jana that Patty and Jim broke up and Jana’s all “Oh em gee!” Liz has important info for Patty: Purple Headband was actually Jim’s cousin, so Patty writes Jim an “I’m sorry” note and makes up with her sister when she drives Jana to her dress fitting, and Jana admits, “A wedding is just one day. Being sisters—that’s forever.” I thought that was a diamond?
Anyway, Patty regains her title of maid of honor and Jana mails the letter Patty had written Jim. Liz writes the “PP” column on Patty, Jana and Ted get married, and Jim goes to the wedding! They’re in love 4eva.
Because we always need a Wakefield subplot, Jess is moping around again that there are no interesting guys around. Like always, without fail, this summons up a foxy guy. Why does this not happen when I gripe about such things? Jess finds him at a craft fair no less, when she’s manning DeeDee’s T-shirt booth, but he—Vincent Delano—thinks all of the T-shirts DeeDee made are actually Jess’s work and wants to sell them via his business Blue Parrot Crafts. Jess lets this little charade go on and on, hoping he’ll ask her out, but he’s all business, despite that he speaks in innuendos. Jess tries to make her own T-shirts—I must admire her for dabbling in so many hobbies—and Vincent’s all grossed out by them, but Jess is all, “You just don’t understand artistic temperament!” and threatens to take her crappy T-shirt art elsewhere. But eventually she breaks down and admits that DeeDee did the original work, and the store sells DeeDee’s stuff. Fin!
Other Notes:
- Patty and DeeDee are BFFs, but the two girls sit at totally different tables during lunch. I don’t buy it!
- I don’t find the title of this story all that appropriate. Patty’s “boy trouble” is just the icing on the cake. Why didn’t they call this Stress! (note the exclamation point) or Torn in Two (too suggestively gory?)?
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