* Photo credit to The Closet *
Ken Matthews looks like a young Jeff Daniels. I wish he were wearing sunglasses to emphasize the ridiculousity of the situation/this book. You’ll see why.
Ken has been canoodling with waste-of-life Amy Sutton, who has a party in honor of the Gladiators but really it’s a party during which she can parade Ken around like he’s her boyfriend and make out with him in front of everyone. This breaks the heart of Terri Adams, the team’s assistant statistician, who’s been in lurve with our dear Ken from afar. Ken gives Winston Egbert, his lady Maria Santelli, and Terri a ride home, and Terri and Ken make awkward small talk that sets Terri’s loins afire. Then as soon as Ken drops her off, he gets in a car accident thanks to a drunk driver (which is the only reason anyone ever gets into a car accident around these parts. I bet the guy came right from Kelly’s, too!). The twins and Todd Wilkins arrive on the scene of the accident (of course) and the cop gives them the scoop (of course), and everyone cries and blah blah.
Amy freaks out when she finds out about Ken and does all she can to avoid him, especially after Ken’s dramatic, Twilight Zone-esque bandage removal that reveals that Ken is blind. GASP! Amy can’t bring herself to visit Ken or help the guy out, so she does what she can: start dating Scott Trost, the team’s new quarterback, and blaming the accident on Terri Adams. Wow. That’s just gold right there. Ken goes to rehab to learn how to count his steps and gain some depth of character before going back to school, where everyone acts all weird toward him, except for Terri, who keeps it real with him and chats to him about football. Terri confides in Liz Wakefield about her feelings (color me shocked) and Liz convinces Terri that blindfolding herself and walking around the house blind would be a great idea. By doing so, Terri realizes that being blind is hard. Who knew?
This experiment gives Terri the courage to call Ken and ask him on a date. They go to the beach, with Terri announcing her every move (“What I’m going to do is pull onto Chestnut and take it five blocks to Grover Terrace”), and she convinces Ken that running without sight on the beach is downright whimsical! (“I feel like I’m dreaming!” Ken cries.) After that, they’re like bosom buddies, going to football games together (with Terri describing the action) and doing homework together, and Ken realizes that he’s falling in love with her. Quelle surprise! But instead of telling her how he feels, he gets whiny, needy, and demanding of her time, and when she does cater to his every wish, he acts like he’s pissed at her. Liz gives the sage advice that Terri tell Ken how she feels and stop doing crap for him. As always, Liz is just so damn right! During a fight, Terri blurts out how she feels about Ken and then runs off weeping into the night, forcing Ken to man up, walk his ass down to the bus stop and go to their special spot on the beach, where he finds Terri sobbing. They make out and Ken starts to see the sun! His sight is returning! Oh, give me a break. Please note that no one died in this story, rendering the title false and useless, much like the series itself!
Other Notes:
- The Sweet Valley Gladiators kick the crap out of the Palisades Pumas for the 137 billionth time since the beginning of the humanity. Actually, Sweet Valley does end up losing a game later on—but to an unnamed team. Hmm.
- Ken drinks orange juice at Amy’s party, and it’s not even mixed with anything. The ridiculousness is getting out of hand.
- Jeffrey French and Todd Wilkins are both at Ken’s welcome-back party in the cafeteria, and there isn’t even a knife fight or anything ! I demand bloodshed. After all, isn’t Liz worth it?
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