Todd Wilkins looks like a Ken doll, posing for an ad. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to him, his beloved, Elizabeth Wakefield, totally loses it behind him. This reminds me of those photos that get taken of you when you go down a rollercoaster, when everyone looks ridonc.
Todd has fulfilled his life dream: He’s finally bought a motorcycle. He can now retire and die happy!
But Liz is upset by his acquisition; her parents have forbidden her and Jessica to even breathe near a bike since their cousin died from a motorcycle crash. Liz doesn’t tell Todd this, though. She can’t “bear the thought of shattering his dream,” so she opts to avoid him and treat him like a dog turd instead, even though he got her her own special hot-pink helmet, which is actually sort of hot. I like randomly being attracted to fictional teenage boys.
When Liz finally does tell Todd the truth, he says that she’s a sil for thinking he’d choose the motorcycle over her feelings. However, he doesn’t give up the bike, and actually gives rides to other chicks, even gross ol’ Enid Rollins!
Liz consoles herself with car rides with Droids band member Guy Chesney, who puts his arm around her and says, “A closed car can be a lot more fun than a motorcycle.” HEY-O! Liz rejects him, of course—he’s a keyboardist, after all. Todd gets jealous, he and Liz have a good laugh, and he swears that he won’t ride with anyone else.
Despite that it’s constantly implied that Enid is a total loser with no friends, she hosts a super sweet sixteen party for herself and invites “half the school.” Everyone actually shows up, including Mr. fucking Collins, who’s a chaperone. (He kills me.)
Todd arrives late for the party after everyone but Liz has gone clubbing. He explains that she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to him, so he decided to sell the bike to high-school dropout/construction worker/alcoholic/waste of life Jerry “Crunch” McAllister. Liz is so happy that she decides to take a celebratory ride with Todd on his bike, but OH NOES! They get into an accident with a drunk driver…who just so happens to be Crunch McAllister. SWEET SWEET IRONY!
Liz winds up in a coma, and all the Wakefields shun Todd, who’s ready to fling himself off a cliff now that the best thing that ever happened to him is a vegetable. Mr. Collins—yes, even HE shows up, Christ—helps talk Todd down from the metaphorical ledge, while Jess blames herself for stranding Liz at Enid’s party when she drove off to go dry hump Enid’s cousin. DRAMA! Will Liz ever wake up to play a role in the following hundred-plus books in the series? Oh, the suspense!
Other Notes
- “Todd was even more attractive than ever that morning, cutting a sexy, self-assured pose astride his shiny black bike.” I want a C-O-O-L R-I-D-E-R…
- Todd says, “The Elizabeth Wakefield I know is cautious, practical, and methodical, but she’s not a worrier.” What a curious thing to say, considering their last fight was about how she worries too much.
- Jessica has the gall to ask Liz to ask Enid to hook her up with her cousin (“a monument to male perfection”), because she insists that she did Enid a favor by attempting to ruin her life once upon a time. Liz actually approaches Enid with the request. At first, Enid thinks Liz is on crack, but then actually concedes that Brian would have a good time with Jess. UGH! Don’t validate her! Oh, they never listen.
- “It was funny, Elizabeth thought. Mr. Collins was always around when she needed him.” And even when you don’t, Liz—like when you’re showering.
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