* Photo credit to The Closet *
Todd Wilkins and Liz look like they’re posing for an engagement picture. Liz looks like a slightly uncomfortable Baby Spice and Todd is so not sixteen. The two of them together look so boring.
“Todd’s back and Elizabeth’s got him!” the caption declares/taunts/overall frightens. Poor Todd.
Yep, Liz’s old heartthrob Todd Wilkins is back from Vermont, and he and Liz are in love again, you guys! The whole gang’s back together! Meanwhile, Liz’s ex, the poor, noble Jeffrey French, is moping around the halls looking lower than a snake’s belly button over the fact that Liz dumped his ass, and Liz is just like, “Jeffrey will be all right.” “The truth was, Jeffrey’s undisguised sadness was the only shadow crossing Elizabeth’s happiness.” (How rude!) “And, uncharacteristically, she was trying to ignore it.” No, I think that’s pretty characteristic. But who cares? Because Todd and Liz are so in love! Again!
But there are changes afoot. For instance, Todd’s dad is a hotshot president at a computer firm (like most rich daddies in Sweet Valley) and now Todd lives in a mansion straight outta “MTV Cribs” and goes to the snobby private school Lovett Academy. At first, Liz chalks it up to her just having to get “used to being madly in love again.” But Todd’s changed! He starts caring about material things and being loyal to Lovett as opposed to Sweet Valley High, even though he doesn’t even go there anymore! Is this the same boy Liz fell in love with?
But enough about Liz—what’s Jess up to? Well, she finds things are stale at SVH, just like she does every other week. Her solution is to quit SVH altogether and try to weasel her way into Lovett Academy, where she can rub up against a whole new set of hot, rich boys. And of course Ned and Alice are like, sure, whatever, dear about it. I think they’re vaguely aware they even have children. But the problem is that Jess is too vapid for Lovett, which has a dress code and prides itself more on its polo and golf teams than its cheerleading squad.
Speaking of intramurals, all the schools in the area are having a mini-Olympics called Battle of the Schools. Courtney Kane, the Lovett bitch who wants to sink her hooks into Todd, finds this the perfect way to get revenge on our happy couple (again!) since Todd chose Liz over her. How, you ask? Because if Lovett Academy wins the school Olympics, that’ll really… show the… two of them? I can’t answer this. But Liz has other issues to deal with: she’s on the SVH relay team with Jeffrey French and competing against Todd, who’s on the relay team for Lovett! To make matters worse, TODD AND LIZ BREAK UP! I know that this is a shocking first for you, dear readers. They have a fight because Todd is sick of hearing Liz whine about his new life. Why is this shocking to you, Todd? Liz is always whining about something. And Liz refuses to call Todd (“I think he should be the one to make the first move. He’s the one who started all the problems”), until even Jess tells her she’s being stupid: “Very mature attitude, Liz. If I said something like that, do you know what you’d tell me? That it takes more than one person to have an argument.” And you know that when Jess Wakefield is the voice of reason… well, something’s just gotta give.
Courtney, because her father (one of the judges for the BotS) won’t tug a few strings to get Lovett named the winner, helps the Lovett team about by cheating, like tugging on a curtain so many times to give away “yes” or “no” answers during the school trivia contest. Jess sees this, and realizes what swine Lovett students are! Then! Courtney deliberately arranges it so that during the relay race, Liz is forced to climb a rotted rope, and our eldest Wakefield twin nearly tumbles to her death. But Todd halts in mid-race to go to his beloved, and they realize the depths of their love and nothing will ever tear them apart again! Meanwhile, Courtney isn’t even pretending that she cares and is whining, “What are we going to do about deciding who wins? Daddy, we have to pick a winner!” and even Daddy is like, “Bitch, please.” But she keeps whining until Jess basically threatens her social life, and that’s the end of that.
But they still need to pick a winner! And what better way to do so than in a tug-of-war! Todd and Liz pull themselves out of the race in order to fully immerse themselves in their loving reunion, so Jess, who has suddenly regained her school spirit, pulls for Liz on the SVH side. And—just when it looks like all is lost for SVH—Todd stands up and screams (in all caps): “GO, SWEET VALLEY HIGH!” and Sweet Valley High loses! Just kidding. They win, of course, God forbid otherwise. Imagine the scores of poor sports they’re surely raising over in Sweet Valley!
Other Notes:
- The twins are described as “unusually pretty.” Aren’t they classic California beauties? How unusual is that?
- After months of not being together (actually years in the real-people world), Liz actually brings homework over to Todd’s house. Lewser!
- Oracle editor-in-chief Penny Ayala shits bricks because Liz wanted to leave a newspaper meeting early to go make out with her troo wuv she hasn’t seen in months and because there were four typos in Liz’s column! Penny needs to just suck on her inhaler for a while. And, if she’s going to be all OCD about the little high school paper, why didn’t the editor-in-chief proofread the column? Ugh.
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