* Photo credit to The Closet *
WHY was everyone killing themselves over Jeffrey French when he first moved to town? Look at the guy. He looks like a lesbian. It’s like Ellen and Portia went to Olan Mills and got their portrait taken. Was it seriously so hard to make Jeffrey look, I don’t know, like a guy?
I think I laughed on every page of this heart-tugging tale; everyone’s such an idiot.
Poor Jeffrey—not only does he look like a beautiful gay woman, but his girlfriend Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend and first love, Todd Wilkins, is moving back from Vermont to Sweet Valley! As if that wasn’t awkward enough, Liz can’t even reassure Jeffrey that he’s the one for her because she just doesn’t know anymore! And Liz is so fucking presumptuous, it makes me sick. As soon as she hears the news, she immediately starts worrying about “what to do” and who to choose between, even though she hadn’t heard from Todd in a month. She just assumes that he’ll want to date her. Because how can he resist? Even Jeffrey thinks, “Of course, it went without saying that Todd would still want to date Elizabeth. How could anyone not love Elizabeth Wakefield?” Um, because they’ve read 57+ books full of her bull crap? ARGH!
And of course Todd does want Liz back, which just makes the whole thing even more aggravating. But things aren’t so easy anymore! First, Todd’s family moved back because his dad is now president of Varitronics, some company that does whatever. In layman’s terms: Todd is rollin’ in it. Second, because he’s rocketed into the highest tax bracket, Mr. Wilkins enrolled Todd into Lovett Academy, an elite private school. Liz thinks everyone who goes there are just rich snobs (“It sounded like most of them were children of wealthy businessmen or famous movie directors”), but seriously? They’re just like Sweet Valley teens only in uniforms—HELLO: Bruce Patman and Susan Stewart, anyone? Just shut up, Liz! Third, there’s the matter of Jeffrey, but that’s positively paltry, you know.
Speaking of Jeffrey, Jess wants Liz to break up with him and choose Todd because Todd is money, baby—or rather, he has a lot of it. Jess finagles a tour of Lovett Academy out of him to meet rich new boyfriends, and to no one’s surprise, finds one: Sheffield Eastman, who looks like “a young Paul Newman” and is absolutely perfect. Unfortunately for Jess, he reveals, in front of her friends (i.e., Lila Fowler, who is lovin’ every minute of it), that he’s giving up his Mercedes and all his money to go live and work at a homeless shelter for a year, and Jess seriously contemplates throwing a drink on him and wonders “how could he do this to her?” Wah. Anyway.
Jeffrey’s pulling out all the stops—long-stemmed roses and romantic dinners at The Valley Inn—to keep Liz, but naturally his efforts are in vain. Howevs! A Lovett Academy girl, Courtney Kane, is totally hot for Todd and realizes that Liz is the only thing standing in her way, so she whips up this thorough, elaborate scheme to keep them apart that is dependent on the Sweet Valley gang not being able to resist spreading gossip. Todd throws a black-tie, welcome-back party for himself at his mansion and, because he heard through the grapevine that Liz has chosen Jeffrey, he takes Courtney as his date, but he and Liz spend the evening making moony eyes at each other all night.
Courtney wants to seal the deal, so she fakes a note from Todd and puts it in Liz’s pocket, telling Liz to be at the gazebo, and when Liz arrives, she sees Courtney Frenching Todd and runs off sobbing into the night. Jeffrey, however, witnesses the whole thing, and being the good-hearted person he is, he tells Todd the troof. Todd finds Liz sniveling at Secca Lake and they make out and stuff. They’re in love again!
Other Notes:
- Annoying! The book references Todd falling in love with Suzanne Devlin in Special Christmas—fine, fine. But then the book says that Todd and Jeffrey never met which they totes did in Winter Carnival. They got along fantastically, actually. Why reference one super edition and not another? Do the ghostwriters not read their own nonsense?
- I remember reading this book aloud with friends in college, and we were exhausted by Liz crying on every other fucking page. I think we only made it up to chapter three, too. I think it was then that I recalled just how redundant and obnoxious these books were. It was a real turning point.
- “The twin in the wild zebra-striped miniskirt had to be Jessica, while the twin in conservative khakis and a comfortable short-sleeved cotton shirt was bound to be Elizabeth.” How does Liz pull at all?
- “‘When I’ve worked things out, when I know for sure what part I want Todd to play in my life…Jeffrey, you’ll be the first to know,’ Elizabeth promised, putting her lips to his to kiss the hurt away.” What the…Jeffrey, why didn’t you just dump her ass right then and there?
- Winston Egbert and Ken Matthews wrassle around and fall in the pool, having what they call a “wet tuxedo contest.” I think it’s obvious that the reason the dudes aren’t bothering all the girls for sex is because the dudes are all doin’ each other.
- Liz bursts into hysterical tears at the drop of the hat in front of Alice, but it takes Alice two days to get around to asking her what’s wrong. The standard.
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