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#57 – Teacher Crush

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Olivia Davidson’s hair is out of control. I’m not gonna hate on her MASSIVE earrings because they look like something I would’ve worn when I was sixteen. But I’m so disturbed by her face. One of her eyes looks…I don’t know, wrong. At first impression, her smile looks daydreamy, but on second inspection, it looks like an awkward grimace. Oh, Olivia. Why are you doing this to me?

Question: Was there anyone else out there who thought that this title implied underage goings-on with Mr. Collins? Well, it ain’t. I know—total setup, right?

So SVH has decided to cut down on class time so students can attend fun, artsy “mini courses” that aren’t even graded. Why? I have no idea. Because Sweet Valley operates outside of the norm and might as well be its own independent country. Liz is crapping her pants over it: “We’re so lucky to have a chance to take part in this kind of program!” She signs up for painting, as does Olivia, who does so partially as a distraction from the fact that she and Roger Barrett Patman are no longer going out. Liz doesn’t stop marveling over how Olivia doesn’t need a boyfriend to be happy and how independent she is, and what I love is when Olivia calls Liz out on her “You’re going to have lots and lots of boyfriends!” bullshit: “How can you say that?… You don’t know what it’s like not having a boyfriend!” Ha. Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

Olivia totally falls in love for the twenty-three-year-old painting teacher, Stuart Bachman, who’s super fine with “longish, curly, dark hair and stylish glasses.” (Then again, who isn’t fine ‘round these parts?) When Liz asks her what she thinks of the class, she’s like, “I think Stuart Bachman is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met!!!!!1111” Relax, plz. She arrives at school wearing…well, just see for yourself:

Usually, she wore a variation on the same theme: a peasant-style wrap skirt, a pastel-colored T-shirt, sandals, lots of beads, and big hoop earrings. But…today she was wearing a body-hugging black dress, leather boots, and a leather jacket, and her hair was styled with gel.

Is she channeling a backup dancer on a Whitney Houston tour, or a love interest on an early episode of 90210? I can’t tell. All I know is that I suspect this romance will end badly. She pastes his picture (from an art magazine) to her mirror, drives past his apartment, is a total teacher’s pet, and goes on and on about him and, in short, I’m embarrassed for her. Elizabeth gets on her case for slacking in regards to The Oracle—excuse me, who is Liz? A little nobody reporter telling the art editor what to do. SHUT UP, LIZ! Anywayz.

Olivia’s birthday also happens to be the night of the last days of classes, when everyone unveils his or her work, and she’s sure Stuart somehow knows and wants to do something with her. I’m afraid of the impending awkwardness! He needs Olivia’s help picking out a special present for a “friend” and people ask him at the museum where “Monica” is. Oh noes.

All of a sudden, this NOBODY whom we’ve never heard of before shows up—he calls himself Rod Sullivan—and wants to work with Olivia on changing the typography on The Oracle. Exciting! He totes wants her. He asks her out twice, after all. Don’t give up, Rod!

Stuart has an art show on Olivia’s birthday and begs her to come because a “surprise” is in store. Naturally, Stuart’s there with his hot blonde—Monica—and it just so happens to be Monica’s birthday as well! What’re the chances? If you’re in Sweet Valley, pretty high. It turns out that Stuart’s other, less tragical surprise for Olivia is that he hung her painting up in the gallery—and it’s the only one done by a high school student. Olivia then realizes she’s been an idiot re: her crush, goes home, finds a surprise birthday party (and Stuart and Monica) awaiting her, and falls in love with Rod Sullivan. Fin.

Side note: Jess ends up in the electronics workshop with a surfeit of nerds, which sounds entertaining. She’s expected to immediately decide on what kind of project she wants to make and has no clue why she’s even stuck in the workshop, and I can admittedly feel her pain. She gripes about sitting next to Randy Mason, who she says will “probably try to turn [her] into a robot before the workshop is over,” and this makes me el-oh-el. Randy is her lab partner, and of course she sets out to use him again. Why isn’t he on to her or at least suspicious of her by now?

As an aside, Jess is annoyed at Lila Fowler because Lila won’t shut up about her dad dating hot new soap star Anika Hunt so she wants Lila to “prove” the relationship. Can you see where this is going? Yep, Jess totally makes a lie detector in electronics—with Randy’s help—and everyone acts like she’s Jesus Christ. Also, it turns out that Lila isn’t lying about her Daddy and his little tart, which totally crushes Jess. Furthermore, everyone doubts Jess actually made it herself, so they strap the lie detector on her and ask her. NICE.

Other Notes:

  • Lila Fowler wants to take dress design. Does Lila even really need to be a seamstress? Come on.
  • Stuart just hangs around on campus, even though he only has one 50-minute class at the end of the day.
  • Remember once upon a time when I said Randy looked totally hip by today’s standards? Well, the ghostwriter decided to throw that out the window and tell us he’s shorter than Jess, wears braces and “the kind of corduroy jeans nobody wore anymore,” and keeps a calculator in his back pocket. Soooo unfortunate!
  • Whatever happened to Roger Barrett Patman? Did he die or something?

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