* Photo credit to The Closet *
Jessica’s bratty, all-hope-is-lost expression is reminiscent of how I look in a few various photos from family vacations. You know what this reminds me of? When Pepe Le Pew is all hot for the cat, but then the cat falls into the vat of water and looks so unfine, its unreal. That’s Jess.
Note: This book had the potential to be hot and yet went nowhere. I hate when my expectations are dashed. I also hate how I continue to look for sexytime in SVH novels despite knowing better. When will I ever learn?
Liz and Jess go on a marine biology field trip (Jess for extra credit, Liz for fun ::rolls eyes:: ) to a deserted island to study tide pools. Jess dresses provacatively because she wants to tan and attract the attention of Ken Matthews, since he’s the finest guy going. However, Jess’s day is shot to hell when she’s stuck with a study group of looooosers (Lois Waller, Winston Egbert, and Randy Mason [who never once lets onto the fact that Jess nearly ruined his life]) and Winston is appointed her buddy in the event of danger, which Winston interprets as “Follow Jess around and make her want to hang herself.” He is sort of annoying, like dropping seaweed on her face and putting hermit crabs on her (c’mon, Winston), and Jess roars, “Why don’t you go jump in the ocean?” Really, girl: Is that the best you can do? Do people really say things like “You can go jump” IRL? I need to know.
After an afternoon of treating her study group/team/what-have-you like cat vomit, they return to the point just as a storm’s a-brewin’. While everyone else frets for their lives, Jess takes this time to sidle up to Ken. Groping is about to ensue when everyone’s commanded to abandon ship and get in the lifeboats, which means Jess winds up in a lifeboat with Winston, whose klutziness causes the lifeboat to flip over and leave Jess lost at sea. (Hence, the title!) Jess is so pissed at Winston that she swims all the way to another deserted island, fueled by a thousand creative ways of kicking his ass sideways.
Meanwhile, everyone back home is freaking out and Liz cries a lot, which doesn’t surprise me. And the Wakefield parents are soooo sad that they actually look old, so old that none of their children pause to admire their attractive physiques! Liz and the gang try to organize a search for J&W on Nicholas Morrow’s boat Nighthawk, but it’s a really pointless scene that’s clearly filler.
When Jess wakes up, she finds that Winston is on the island with her after rowing there, but he forgot to tie up the lifeboat and it floated away. (“Oh, Winston!” wails the studio audience as everyone slaps their foreheads.) Jess pretty much shits all over Winston for being an idiot, and yet he still essentially begs her to share his breakfast of fish and oranges with him. Then she “does the dishes” by throwing out the palm leaves they ate on, because that’s totally the same as finding, catching, and cooking breakfast. After that “chore,” she tries to sleep but Winston puts her to work doing grueling things like finding food and shelter, and Jess pitches such a fit (“You can go ahead and look for food… I think I’ll just pick some flowers and decorate my end of the beach”) that he agrees to let her slide on doing half the work if she decorates the lean-to they set up. This is some embarrassing, degrading shit right here. She even throws a tantrum about taking off her bracelet to make reflections so they have a better chance of getting rescued. WTF? Then, post-decorating, Winston validates her by marveling over what a great job she did (“I, um, admire the way you pitched in with this and worked so hard decorating and stuff. It really makes a difference”). Come on, Winston! This isn’t high school now; you’re stranded on an island together! Call some shots! But perhaps seeing the hot blonde heroine get pushed around by an uber geek would’ve disturbed young readers; it’s just too perverse.
Aside from Jess’d irritating demeanor, she and Winston start to bond, and I start hoping that it’ll get all Swept Away up in here. Jess saves Winston from a bear by throwing fruit at it. I’m no adventurer, but aren’t you supposed to play dead? My cousin the Boy Scout says yes. Oh, whatever. This is Sweet Valley, where normal rules don’t apply. I must keep telling myself this. Anyway, Winston’s humiliated and Jess has to give him a pep talk, and then they should’ve MADE OUT. Instead, they play twenty questions. I really should not even bother.
A helicopter finally rescues them, and when they get back to Sweet Valley, there are reporters all around and Jess loves every second of it. Then she goes ahead and takes credit for EVERYTHING. It’s disgusting. And Winston just LETS her. And it’s even grosser. Bleh.
Other Notes:
- Even Lila Fowler finds Jess’s sudden crush on Ken random and boring: “Oh, Jess, he’s such old news. Can’t you do any better than that?” Seriously.
- Jess’s thoughts of getting off the island are often limited to how slim she’ll look once she’s rescued after eating a fish and berries diet, and has no shame that “improving her appearance was her top priority.”
- Here’s weirdness: Bruce Patman and Nicholas Morrow, like, call each other. Nicholas even lets Bruce drive his boat and they exchange banter. Is Nicholas not aware that Bruce essentially drove Regina to her death? Shun.
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