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#5 – All Night Long


LOOK AT THAT GUY. If I were a parent in 1984 and my daughter wanted to get this book, by that guy—and the title and suggestive caption (“Is Jessica as grown-up as she thinks she is?”)—I’d think Jessica Wakefield was getting herself involved in pornography.

But All Night Long—like Playing With Fireis adolescent erotica that never delivers. This story isn’t about Jess making with the sexytime on until the early morn. The title actually refers to the amount of time it takes her to get home after avoiding sex. I call false advertising!

Against her mom’s wishes, Jess goes to a party at the lake or beach or whatever with Scott Daniels, a college boy with a Firebird and a nasty mustache that’s mentioned every five seconds to remind us of his oldness. Elizabeth Wakefield is freaking out about this because she thinks Scott’s too old for Jess. (See the aforemention bit about his mustache.)

Further upsetting Liz is that Jess hasn’t yet studied for the test they’re both planning to take to be Sweet Valley tour guides, which is scheduled for the day after the party. Nevertheless, Jess goes and hangs out with college kids, who drink beer and smoke joints—they’re in “the fast lane!” She and Scott go in the woods and he—GASP!—slips a hand down the back of her bikini bottom! You’d think after Bruce, she’d learn to wear one-pieces.

Jess and Scott go into a boathouse, where he kisses her in a way that “meant business,” and by that I mean he’s not going to try to sell her stocks. Jess realizes she’s no longer in control and tries to weasel her way out of the situation. Scott calls her a tease and ditches her, and Jess stumbles through the woods for a while, blaming Elizabeth for her problems because her sister apparently didn’t try hard enough to stop her from going. Wow.

She eventually finds Scott again at a cabin. He’s super wasted, and Jess threatens to break a wine bottle over his head if he doesn’t tell her where the nearest phone is. (A. Ten miles away.) He falls asleep while she’s in the midst of bitching at him, so she has no choice but to shut her trap and go to sleep on the cold, uneven floor—in only her bikini! Aw, poor Je—oh, wait, I don’t care.

The rest of the book basically sucks. It’s all about Liz essentially going into cardiac arrest with worry. She wakes up from a potentially sexy dream about her and her boyfriend, Todd Wilkins, making out in a darkroom and writes in her journal, “I rose from the warmth of my dreams to the chill dawn of reality.” WHAT A DOPE! Then again, I probably would’ve written something stupid like that when I was sixteen and thought that it was genius.

Liz realizes Jess is still out and figures that her parents will be pissed at her, too, so she spends half the day pretending to be her sister so her parents won’t hit the roof. Clearly, Alice Wakefield still hasn’t caught on to which of her daughters is which, and never suspects that the twins ever do some twin switching, even though they’ve probably been doing it their whole damn lives. Someone get social services on the horn.

Liz takes Jess’s test for her, bores her boring bestie, Enid Rollins, with her worrying, and then gets in a fight with Todd about morality. Seriously, Liz: Is Jess worth all this? Think long and hard about it.

After all is said and done, Liz mopes and pines for Todd, but never makes any move to call him to apologize for being insane. She waits for him come to her, and of course they make up even though nothing actually gets resolved.

When Jess finally returns home from her personal odyssey, she learns Liz-as-Jess flunked the test. Jess throws a hissy fit and then is allowed to retake the exam. Why does the world keep enabling her? Although she does wind up getting poison oak from stumbling around in the woods all night, she doesn’t end up getting anything that would actually teach her a lesson.

And now! Another list of the immature and obnoxious things Jess does—in just this story alone!

  • Tells Liz to not “come running to [her] someday if [she] ever needs [her] help” and immediately bursts into tears, crying, “I thought sisters were supposed to stick up for each other!”
  • Admits to herself that she likes the “feeling of power it gave her to lead [boys] on, then whirl away with a careless laugh over her shoulder just when they thought they had her”
  • Throws mud of Scott’s chest to prove to his friends that she’s not a baby (HUH? Yeah, you figure that one out and let me know.)
  • Thinks “this whole thing was Elizabeth’s fault” for not trying harder to talk her out of it while she’s ensnared in Scott’s clutches
  • Begs Liz to help her and, when Liz asks how, tells her sister to figure it out
  • Has Liz take her test for her, and when she gets a shitty grade, she says, “I’ll never forgive you for this!”

And I don’t think I’ll forgive the ghostwriter for this.

Other Notes

  • This book has four “damns” and two “hells!” That’s how you know these books mean business.
  • Todd has “seal-brown hair.” Does that description spark arousal in anyone?
  • Ever since book one, whenever a SVH chick doesn’t want to be touched by some dude, they start singing the praises of bestiality: “I’d rather go swimming with Jaws!” or “I’d rather sleep with a grizzly bear!” or “I’d rather go out with an octopus!” or “I’d rather hump my dog!” (Okay, no one’s said that last one [yet].)

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