* Photo credit to The Closet *
I enjoy the dreamy, slightly fuzzy quality of this cover; it’s obviously mimicking the way you feel when you’re in love, just like Jessica Wakefield is with that tall, strapping redhead A.J. Morgan! Also, this may be the first book ever where I actually REALLY LIKE JESSICA WAKEFIELD!!!1 I don’t even know myself anymore.
In the midst of lots of slam book recapping, Jess is still trying to live down her “Biggest Flirt” title because she suspects A.J. wants a shy, studious girl – in other words, Liz. But who DOESN’T want a girl like Liz? She’s so good. And so kind. And fairness personified. And vomit inducing. Jess acts so awkward around him, it’s unreal: She asks him to take her to the library, where she reads him “O Captain! My Captain!”; insists that nothing makes her feel better than showing her parents a good report card; asks Liz where the bird-watching guide is (so she can find the “green-crested pod eater”); and decides to save the whales. And her “deep” thoughts are, well, I’ll just show you: “Isn’t it amazing how those same waves came all the way from Japan? Or is China? Or—I mean, it makes you realize how close but—but how far away, I mean…” To be fair, it’s sort of nice that she, though struggling, can even have these thoughts, even if she’s crappy at expressing them (and expressing them for the wrong reasons). A.J. asks her what she’s thinking at the Dairi Burger, and she’s like “oh uh um nuclear war.” That’s rich.
Jess makes Liz swear not to tell A.J. about the real her, and of course “Elizabeth was aching to set things straight.” “Can’t…not…help…someone…. Must…help…” Jess even comes to Liz with help on writing a poem, and when she says, “I decided to do free verse ‘cause I’m not very good at rhyming,” I really must confess that it tugs a bit at the ol’ heart strings. And Liz is full of condescending thoughts, like “Writing poetry wasn’t Jessica’s style, and it never would be.” Jesus, can’t the girl even try something new? Why does everyone to be the same all the time? Oh, right, because it’s Sweet Valley, where no one ever changes, and once you’re in, you never come out, like a Roach Motel.
Since I know you’re just burning up with curiosity, here’s Jess’s opus:
Time is a grinding wheel of merciless pain
We are trapped in our lives
Until the hour of death
But love breaks our chain and lets us fly
Into the universe
Where everything is real and alive
Forever.
Of course, “all [Liz] could think to suggest was instant incineration.” Shut up, Liz. Meanwhile, Jess is like, “I think I really am a pretty sensitive person, don’t you?” Liz offers some suggestions about making her first poem be about something “sweet and beautiful,” and Jess gets all excited: “How about something about a rainbow? Or flowers?” Oh, dear – I really find myself actually endeared to Jessica right now; she’s reminding me of Bubbles from PPG.
Jess and A.J. go hiking and she babbles on about famine and the Peace Corps. They attend a picnic with the rest of the gang, where Winston Egbert brings up the upcoming fund-raising variety show, and Jess’s ears perk up. But when asked if she’s going to participate, she says, “No, I don’t really like showing off like that.” Why is no one calling her out on this shit? Furthermore, Lisette’s is hosting a fashion show with a chance to win a designer wardrobe, and Jess is dying on the inside to participate but doesn’t think it’d fit in with her new image. Okay, so A.J. said he didn’t like flirtatious girls, but—and I can’t believe I’m saying this—Jess didn’t have to overhaul her personality. It’s called keep your legs closed, Jess! That’s it!
The “happy couple” go jogging on the beach when they see a drowning swimmer—Pamela Janson of Whitehead Academy—and A.J. saves her—and she’s super hot. Immediately, she recovers from her near-death experience, tosses Jess a haughty look, and proceeds to get all up on A.J. Pamela then starts calling A.J., who gets a boner just hearing her voice and pushes aside any guilt because “It’s not like I’m committed to Jessica or anything.” She gets him to come over to her mansion, where her shoulder strap is sliding off her shoulder, and offers him wine and the use of her hot tub. When Jess finds out, she’s about ready to explode with anger, but instead keeps acting friendly and sweet, and even Liz points out, “Pamela is no match for the real Jessica.” Hell to the yeah. Bring it on home, girl. Liz convinces Jess to be in the fashion show, but who should be at Lisette’s but Pamela Janson, who also decides to sign up for the fashion show. I’ve seen Drop Dead Gorgeous, so I suspect we’re in for a bitchy time.
Lila Fowler and the gang are all worried about Jess, but know that she’d turn back into her own self if she has to deal with Pamela’s shit, so Lila urges Liz to talk about Pamela as much as possible so Jess’ll be “ready to fight” at the fashion show. Pamela, naturally, tries to sabotage Jess by fucking with her outfits and throwing ice water in her face, so Jess finally reams her out just as the curtain begins to part, and of course Jessica “hadn’t looked so fantastic in weeks” with drops of water clinging to her “as if she was surrounded by stars.” OH PLEASE. (Note: Lila and Amy Sutton were the ones to pull the curtain back. Where my girls at, from the front to back?) And of course Jessica wins, which is weird to me, because it’s like she won for bitching out another contestant. How does that prove she deserves to win? But whatevs.
Then—get this—we don’t even get to hear how A.J. reacted to Jess post-show: “What A.J. had said to her after the show was going to stay a private memory for a long time.” I AM SO PISSED! What a cop out! Wasn’t that the whole point? Shun. Then they drive up to Miller’s Point and make out like fiends, and A.J.’s all, “If you’d kissed me like that before, we could have been doing something else besides watching birds for the past couple of weeks.” They’s gonna bone, y’all.
Sadly, the moral of this story is bittersweet. Sure, you’d think it was saying to just be yourself—as long as it’s not studious, shy, and serious, because guys aren’t into that. A.J. even thinks of Jess, “A lot of the time she made him feel he should be raising money for cancer research or attending lectures on nuclear disarmament—and that feeling was hard to handle” and “She was so solemn and conscientious all the time that she was actually a bit boring.” Ouch.
Other Notes:
- Jeffrey French teases Liz and calls her “Most Popular,” “referring to one of the slam book categories in which Elizabeth’s name had appeared frequently”. And she tied for first place with Jessica. VOM4EVA.
- Ken Matthews was voted in the slam books as “Most Likely to Be a High School Coach.” First off, embarrassing! I felt bad for the kids in my yearbook who won the superlative most likely to work at the school. Second of all, what a crappy category! Who invents these? What about “Most Likely to Be a Stripper”? Or “Most Likely to Be Arrested for Crack”?
- Liz has suddenly taken up the recorder. WHAT. THE. EFF!
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