Skip to content

#48 – Slam Book Fever

* Photo credit to The Closet *

Hell yeah! Here it is: One of the MOST QUINTESSENTIAL SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOOKS EVER! Just try and tell me that you read this and didn’t try to start your own slam book with all your friends.

I think that blonde chick to the left is supposed to be Amy Sutton. I shun her over-sized orange shirt; she looks like she’s ten and ready for bed. That’s Jessica standing behind her, looking rather obnoxious. I picture her jumping around, begging for just a peek. Amy looks like she’s in mid-eyeroll at Jess’s irritating antics, and when Amy Sutton rolls her eyes at you for being grating, then you got problems.

So what is a slam book, you ask? According to the back cover, “they’re do-it-yourself books of lists and predictions about everyone in school.” Por ejemplo, on the top of every page, you write a category, such “Crappiest Ghostwriter” or “Most Ridonculous Teen Franchise,” and then people take turns filling in the categories with the people they know who best first the description/adjective/etc. Who do we owe the pleasure of slam books? None other than super bimbo Amy Sutton, who essentially believes herself to be the second coming of Christ for bestowing the premise on Sweet Valley High. Of course Liz is being lame about it—“Sounds potentially mean, you guys.” Shut up, Liz.

Oracle art editor/dirty hippie Olivia Davidson is having vague “problems” with her boyfriend, formerly poor Roget Barrett Patman, who’s acting weird and distant and surprisingly unlike the Roger we knew who’d ask, “Why haven’t I noticed the love in your eyes?” or whatever the hell he said before smooching her in Racing Hearts. Then again, people are different when you’re not in love with them. Sadly, I think I got that wise quote from an SVH book. Anyway, they break up and Olivia distracts herself by working on the literary magazine (the dully named “Visions”) and recruits the nonstop assistance of Elizabeth’s beloved photographer boyfriend Jeffrey French, which is all fine and good—until Olivia and Jeffrey start popping up in people’s slam books—in neat blue ink—under “Couples of the Future.” OH NOES! Who could’ve committed such a sin against a Wakefield?

Although Liz laughably thinks “how lucky [her and Jeffrey] were to be able to talk things through,” she immediately pulls her old shit again—avoiding Jeffrey and his calls, refusing to talk to Olivia, the works…but this time she also brings back the Dear Sister Elizabeth and acts like a trampasaurus. But wait! It must be pointed out that there’s a new boy at school—redheaded army brat A.J. Morgan—and guess what? He’s totally fine! I know that surprises you. He’s voted “Most Fascinating New Male” and Jessica is, of course, head over heels for him. But the real shocker is that she’s not rubbing up against him like a horny cat, as per usual and like every other girl who goes to SVH does. In fact, she refuses to admit she even likes him, and becomes a shy, awkward mute or blushing, babbling idiot whenever he’s around, especially since everyone’s writing her down as “Biggest Flirt” and “Most Likely to Have Six Kids” (I guess we’re not the only ones who think she’s easy-peasy lemon-squeezy…) in the slam books and she doesn’t want to make a bad impression on him.

Back to Liz and “Couples of the Future”—she’s been paired with A.J. Morgan, so she decides to live it up, especially since Jeffrey’s calling Olivia “Liv” and rumoredly putting his arms around her in a car. (As it turns out, Jeffrey was just trying to get something out of Olivia’s eye. A likely story.) Much to Jeffrey and Jessica’s horror, she starts coming on to A.J. so unabashedly that I’m surprised no one asks her if she just woke up from a coma. Lila Fowler intervenes in her shiny gold bathing suit, and says she’ll try to talk to Liz on Jeffrey’s behalf and, if she fails, she’ll treat him to dinner at L’Escalier, some fancy schmancy French restaurant. Like Liz wants to take advice from Lila to begin with. Needless to say, it backfires, so Lila and Jeffrey go to the restaurant to “discuss strategy” while Liz decides to go on a date with A.J., making Jess want to fling herself off the nearest pier.

Olivia shows up on the Wakefields’ stoop, just like so many lost souls have and will, and has a conversation with Jessica, and they deduce that the root of the problem lies with whoever was writing down her and Jeffrey as the couple of the future—that’s “the one responsible for breaking up Liz and Jeffrey,” as opposed to Liz and Jeffrey’s own damn selves. The power of words, gang!

After a weekend of ignoring Jeffrey, Liz decides on Monday that she’s “sure the minute they saw each other everything would be fine again.” Um, why? Just because Queen Wakefield deems it so? She gets her just desserts when Jeffrey shows up late, his excuse being that he was helping Olivia with the magazine. Burn! Liz sobs, “Don’t you care about what I need?” Please note that this is after she went out on a date with another dude and spent the weekend ignoring Jeffrey’s many phone calls.

Olivia and Jess try to deduce who the villain is when they see Lila parading around with her arm entwined with Jeffrey and calling him “Jeff.” And Lila had been all up on Jeffrey since he moved to Sweet Valley so… the culprit was Lila in the high school with the slam book. The way to prove this is to collect every slam book in existence, because “whoever wrote it in the first place wouldn’t have written it in her own book.” That didn’t even make sense to me when I was ten—that’d be the first place I’d write it! Anyway, the whole plan validates SVH logic: Liz and Jeffrey make up and vow to be in luh 4eva, and Liz and Olivia write Lila’s name under their new slam book category, “Class Sneak.” How disappointing! Why do I want all SVH revenges to result in a punch in the face?

Good news for Jessica! A.J. approaches her and tells her he’s been thinking about her because she comes across as the only non-slut at SVH. He rants and raves how he’s all about good, shy, well-mannered Southern girls from Georgia. Oh, dear! What will happen when A.J. finds out that Jess is the village bicycle? I’m sure we’ll see.

Other Notes:

  • Amy has to organize a “trip to the stationary store” for everyone to buy the official slam book notebooks—the ones with the “black-and-white speckled covers with ruled paper inside.” Really? They had to go to a special stationary store for them? Those books are everywhere; I could probably find one up my butt if I looked hard enough.
  • They always label Enid Rollins as something very Laura Ingalls-esque: “Elizabeth’s dearest friend,” which may be fitting, since they’re both a pair of biddies disguised as teens. (Project C.C. Cookie, anyone?)
  • Robin Wilson is bossy cheerbitch from hell. GONE is the sweet “tub of lard” we all sympathized with!

Become a Patron!

Please leave a comment and share this content with your friends on social media—
this helps ensure the continuation of the content you love!

Subscribe
Notify of

0 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x