* Photo credit to The Closet *
Julie Porter looks like a young Annie Potts, and no offense to Annie Potts, but Julie’s face is totally aching for my fist. She’s all giddy with adoration as she stares at Bruce Patman, who ain’t even fine on this cover. And the other dude—Josh Bowen, whose Adam’s apple is only getting bigger and more hypnotic the longer I stare at it—looks weird too; he’s gazing at Bruce like he, too, iss in love with him, only he’s pissed because he can’t do anything about his dude-on-dude preferences in WASPy Sweet Valley.
So, even though you’ve probably never heard of this Julie Porter chick in your life (aside from Last Chance), don’t you know that she and Liz are BFFs now? “They had been very good friends back in Sweet Valley Middle School. But they started hanging out with different crowds when they reached high school (subtext: Liz became cooler than Julie), and it was only in the last few weeks that they had grown close again.” DUH—because Liz wants you to teach her the recorder, Julie.
Poor Julie; she’s too dumb to realize just how dumb she is. Julie’s so nerdy and boring, you guys. She has nothing going for her but her music and her newfound friendship with Liz Wakefield. What did she do with her time before Liz had her practicing the recorder every day after school?
Well, Julie does have one friend: neighbor boy Josh Bowen, a dude who wants so badly to be in the school frat Phi Epsilon that he’ll let Bruce Patman practically sodomize him in the cafeteria at high noon. Yes, Bruce is up to his old, douchey shenanigans and that’s apparently because Regina died. Right. Didn’t he snuff out any hurt, regretful emotions in Amy Sutton’s loose vagina? Anyway, that “explanation” justifies why Bruce is stuffing Josh into lockers, making him eat a million banana splits, dressing him in drag, and basically turning the guy into his slave.
But Julie is still totally hot for Bruce and his blue eyes. And fucking Liz, man: “She didn’t want to butt in on Julie’s personal life, but she felt a duty to warn her about Bruce.” Give me a break! If Liz isn’t befriending someone for her personal benefit, she’s befriending someone to meddle in his/her life; Julie just happens to cover both qualifications.
Anyway, Bruce asks Julie to the Phi Epsilon party, and she’s beside herself with glee, even though Liz has heard Bruce is dating some sexy blonde ballerina. Liz does not support this union, but is all, “It’s not up to me to approve or disapprove, Julie.” Oh, please, LIZ. Josh is distressed about Julie’s date with Bruce and wonders, “Is this love that I’m feeling? Is this the love that I’ve been searching for?” (Because Josh, in my head, totally loves Whitesnake.)
Even though Julie is gaga for Bruce, she sort of has a healthy attitude when it comes to him liking his hot ballerina: “Bruce could like someone else, but I’m the one who’s going to the party with him. And even if we never go out together again, it’ll probably be a night I’ll always remember.” Get it, girl.
The Phi Epsilon party rolls around and Bruce takes Julie into a dark back room, where he leaves her pre-make-out sesh to “go change the CD,” and then he comes back and gives her the best smooch of her life. But then the lights go up and it’s not Bruce at all—it’s Josh! (Josh thought he’d just be kissing some random chick for a “Who’s the Best Lover” contest. I’m totally scoffing.) Julie all but hurls pom poms at Josh while shrieking something to effect of “You’re a fake and a phony and I wish I’d never laid eyes on you!” Josh feels super awful—but not awful enough to quit pledging and somehow winding up in more situations where he’s either confiding in Liz (GOD) about Julie or accidentally kissing Julie in the name of Phi Epsilon.
The final straw is when Bruce says that Josh has to bring Julie a giant tray of Jell-O—or else. What the fuck kind of last straw is that? At any rate, Josh takes the giant tray of Jell-O and dumps it on Bruce’s lap, nearly bringing poor Bruce to tears. Why are we hearing about Jell-O? Why can’t they just start throwing punches? I’m embarrassed for them. Then Josh drags Julie away from the whooping crowd and gives her the second best kiss of her life—on their own terms! Barf.
And what’s Miss Jessica up to? Why, she’s trying out for the lead role in “You Can’t Take It With You,” which she’s never even heard of, so she brushes up on all her best dance moves only to be told that—horror of horrors!—she’s supposed to dance badly; it’s a comedic role! Jess is appalled and mortified at the thought of actually being funny, which I find so weird, but then again, no one in Sweet Valley is funny on purpose. (Only Winston Egbert ever attempts, and look how he’s maligned for that.)
But, in a totally antic-climactic move that doesn’t make for interesting filler at all, she just gets over it and takes the role anyway after pages and pages of whining, and everyone applauds her talent. Thanks for that, ghosties.
Other Notes:
- Why does Bruce Patman hang out with Ronnie Edwards? Ronnie Edwards is NOT cool; he dated Enid Rollins, for God’s sake. Bruce, quit being such a loser and get some real friends, like some high-class call girls who will coerce you into trying coke and getting it all over your SVH sweater. I can’t bear his wasted potential.
- UGH! More shunworthy dialogue: Enid sees Liz and Jeffrey French tongue-bangin’ in the hallowed halls of Sweet Valley High and shouts, “Hey, let go of that woman before I report you for assault with intent to kiss!” to which Liz replies, “Enid! Just in time to save me from the Sweet Valley High Maniac!” So. Gross.
- Liz hears that Lila Fowler knows all about Bruce’s hot date for the party, so even though Liz hates Lila, she corners her at lunch for the scoop. And Liz seriously thinks she herself is not a gossip? AND she gets all indignant when she refuses to do Lila a favor (to preserve her precious fucking journalistic integrity!) and Lila turns around and won’t do one for her. The nerve of Lila, giving Liz a taste of her own medicine!
- MORE FORESHADOWING! Lila confides in Liz, “I’m having this problem. I’ve gone out with John Pfeifer a couple of times recently—you know, a movie here, a party there, nothing serious. Now all of a sudden he’s calling every day, sometimes twice a day. I think he’s really gotten hung up on me.” Eep! The writers knew what was coming all along. And what’s Liz’s advice? “Well, I’m sure you’ll work it out” and then immediately lapses into her own deal. I hate how we’re actually supposed to believe that Liz is so caring! ARGH!
- Bruce gets offended and upset when Josh tells him he has a “lousy sense of humor” and he demands that Josh “take it back.” This is so lame.
- When Bruce is crying about the stain on his pants, one frat brother suggests “talcum powder” to remove the stain. TALCUM POWDER? Why do you know that, nameless teen boy? These teenagers are such grandmas.
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