* Photo credit to The Closet *
The chick in the middle is Kelly Bates, the twins’ nearly identical cousin. You can tell that she’s not Liz or Jess because she’s not sporting The All-Important Lavaliere. There’s not really so much to say about the cover, as it reflects the contents of the book: YAWN.
Kelly comes to live with the Wakefields for awhile after her mom drops the bomb on her that she’s getting remarried to a doctor, and Kelly is passionately in hate with her mother for divorcing her father, whom Kelly worships, despite that she never sees him or hears from him or blippity blop. She doesn’t even know what he does for a living. Still, Kelly’s mom refuses to talk shit about her ex, and would rather have Kelly hate her than find out what a sleazeball he was/is. Blah blah.
Anyway, Kelly’s in Sweet Valley and she and the twins dress like triplets (in their denim skirts and sneakers!) and instantly try to set her up with Nicholas Morrow, but Kelly would much rather date Kirk “The Jerk” Anderson, who treats her like a dog turd, shows up late (or not at all) for dates, and swears she’s the only one but everyone’s talking about how he’s back with his ex-girlfriend. But he’s just so charming! It turns out that Kelly is attracted to men like her daddy, which is obvious enough but yet the book has to spell it out for us anyway.
Kelly’s birthday rolls around, and her dad promised to visit during the birthday dinner Alice whipped up and then take his daughter out on the town. But he shows up more than an hour late, doesn’t bring a present, and then peaces out about ten minutes later. Gross! And Kelly’s like, “It’s all Mom’s fault this ever happened!” Girl, simmer. But her revelation comes when Kirk takes her and a six-pack to Miller’s Point and tries to feel her up, but she denounces him a fake and a phony and you know the score. Then he starts throwing his beer bottles into the woods (…?), and the crashing sounds bring back Kelly’s memories of when she was a wee bairn and her dad was throwing around her mom and breaking everything in the house. Kelly goes into hysterics, and her mom is called in to tell her the truth—that her dad is a scumdog—and Kelly decides to go back to Tucson with her madre, where she will hopefully seek a buttload of therapy. Fin!
Other Notes:
- It’s so annoying how Oracle editor-in-chief Penny Ayala (and Liz) immediately try to recruit people on the paper the second they find out that they like to write sometimes. Just because you’re a writer doesn’t mean you want to spend your time writing articles (or working side-by-side a Wakefield twin)! So get over yourselves.
- The twins and Kelly go to a costume party as the Three “No Evil” Monkeys, and Kelly is “See No Evil,” and Elizabeth has to point out how ironic that is—just like her real life! Okay! We get it!
- The girls sing “Rubber Duckie” in the locker room. HURL.
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