#4 – Power Play

The Wakefield twins look about five seconds away from Frenching on this cover. Did anyone read this and not hate Jessica Wakefield‘s guts? I think that’s what infuriates me the most about her being so evil—she’s clearly a villain, but we’re expected to root for her.

Robin Wilson is a little overweight, i.e., morbidly, disgustingly obese, to the point of deserving ridicule. Every time Robin appears on the page, we’re reminded that Robin is a total loser with zero friends. I mean, she eats whole cheesecakes all by herself!

R.Wil’s weight completely repulses Jess, but Robin doesn’t seem to notice or care: For some unknown reason, she worships Jessica. Elizabeth Wakefield feels sorry for Robin, especially when Robin’s mom calls the Wakefield residence and starts bawling about how her daughter sucks at life. Then Robin drops by to deliver Jess’s dry cleaning and “rhythmically chew” a large chocolate. The sight makes even good, kind Liz think Robin’s a pathetic heffer.

Robin asks Liz to plzplzplz remind Jess to put her name up for Pi Beta Alpha (PBA) membership since Jess “forgot to.” In truth, Jess doesn’t want Robin in PBA, the school’s “snobbiest sorority” (wait—“snobbiest”? Insinuating sorority in the plural? How was even one allowed?) because of her overwhelming fatness. Knowing her sister’s feelings toward Robin, Liz decides to nominate the poor girl herself.

Jess is determined to have Robin never step foot in PBA, so she makes the girl’s life a living hell by hazing and humiliating her. For example, Jessica

• Shrinks in distaste when Robin hugs her
• Calls her a “fat wimp,” “tub of lard,” “lardo,” “blimp,” “fatso,” and “butterball,” and says she’s “surrounded by two tons of fat”
• Has Robin run her errands
• Holds a one-person “Olympics for Chubbos,” in which Robin is forced to run around the school’s track five times a day for a week wearing shorts and a tank top
• Makes Robin play beach volleyball in a bikini
• Tells Robin she needs to get Bruce Patman to take her to the Discomarathon (Another dance? :: DIES :: )

Liz bribes Bruce with promises of an article about his awesomeness in The Oracle as long as he takes Robin to the dance. However, Bruce then dumps and humiliates Robin at the Discomarathon by loudly asking everyone, “Anybody want to steer the Queen Mary around the floor tonight?” and walking out, much to Jess’s delight.

Robin cries in the bathroom and attempts to run home, but Liz bumps into shy boy and photographer extraordinaire Allen Walters and sends him after Robin. Why him, I don’t know. Robin isn’t initially receptive to Allen, but within minutes, they become best friends and go have a dance inside. Everything is fast-tracked in Sweet Valley.

Even though Robin does everything that Jessica requests of her, Jess still blackballs her from PBA. Jessica then tells Robin, “I know you feel it leaves you out of everything worth having at Sweet Valley High, but I’ll still be your best friend.” HATE!

Following this, Robin creeps everyone out by walking around school like a zombie and wearing a circus tent/dress. She also runs nonstop around the track, an act that causes her to lose about 50 pounds in about eight days. Since Robin’s no longer fat, Jess calls her a “space cadet” and “deranged freak” instead.

Robin’s next act is to try out for cheerleading, and she makes co-captain, much to Jess’s dismay. Suddenly, Bruce Patman is all up on R.Wil, aching to see her in her birthday suit. In fact, everyone wants Robin now—the Chemistry Club even names their new formula “The Robin Reaction.” (So SVH is inventing fucking scientific formulas now?)

Next, Robin wins the title of football queen/Miss Sweet Valley High or something, and Jess shits her pants over it. Robin and Allen Walters fall madly in love as Bruce Patman chauffeurs them around against his will in his Porsche. HAPPY ENDING!

In a subplot, Lila Fowler’s daddy issues rise again! She shoplifts from Lisette’s for her father’s attention, which is supposed to be an upscale French boutique but is probably just a DEB. (Is DEB even still a store? I’m an old person writing this.) Liz sticks her nose in Lila’s beeswax like she does with everything else and tells Jess to stay away from Lila, to which Jess responds, “Why are you so hateful and mean to her?” YES. JESSICA WAKEFIELD SAID THAT.

Other Notes

• Liz is always bitching about how much she hates PBA. Then why stay involved? Ugh, these people.
• “No one dared to object to a friend of the Wakefield twins.” How about someone just object to the twins themselves? I’ll go first.
• During a typical PBA meeting, the members spend their time “chatting, checking their faces in compact mirrors, [and] brushing their hair.” For real real? And girls reading SVH aspired—hell, still aspire—to this? This must be tongue-in-cheek. PLEASE be tongue-in-cheek.
• More obnoxiousness from Jessica! She’s super forthright with her boredom concerning her sister’s life: “How can I have a sister who always talks about crazy, impossible things like becoming a novelist? It’s more than I can stand!” Then she turns the focus back on her and how she wants to be the football queen, and attempts to persuade Liz to burn other contestants’ pictures for an Oracle write-up. She also proceeds to cry about how unfair it is that Robin’s running for the football queen, too, in spite of PBA “forbidding” anyone who isn’t a member to go out for the crown. Can she suck any more? Oh, yes, and she will, I promise you that.

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