* Photo credit to The Closet *
What a dumb cover! I’m opposed to it. However, it is a somewhat refreshing from the Olan Mills-type portraits. Are the twins supposed to be conveying emotion? Is that really Liz’s “I’m excited to go to Switzerland” face? Those lavalieres stand out like white T-shirts under a black light, don’t they?
BTW: If you weren’t totally sick of Liz before now, you will be. Every book, she manages to annoy me more.
Liz peruses brochures for a Switzerland boarding school—Interlochen School—which is where she wants to spend senior year, doing creative writing. Everyone is opposed to it, because God forbid someone leave Sweet Valley to expand their horizons. Plus, everyone would miss Liz too much—seriously. Gang, let her go. She needs all the help with her writing she can get. The only people who aren’t freaking out about Liz leaving are Ned and Alice, as opposed to how they reacted to Steven and his goddamn ocean liner. Way to go, Mom and Dad!
And Liz treats everyone like garbage in response to them being upset to her leaving. Her beloved Jeffrey French’s all, “Don’t go!” but Liz just pats his arm and says, “It’s only natural.” Then Jeffrey brings up how she felt like shit when Todd left, and she says, “That was a completely different thing!” Yeah, because that was YOU, Liz, and not someone else. She’s “certain that deep down Jeffrey really felt the same way she did about the Interlochen School” and is like, “Come over to my house and see the book I got on Switzerland!” All this coming from the girl who cried when her twin dyed her hair. Dear God. Jeffrey, you don’t need this. Liz even gets in a fight with Enid Rollins, calling her “selfish” because Enid doesn’t want her to leave. But, Enid, just think—then maybe you’ll finally get a life. But no—Enid and Jeffrey realize that they’ve been horrible friends and go out looking to buy Liz presents. Then they spend every waking moment working together on creating a scrapbook to give to Liz. I am now closing my eyes and trying to envision a straight guy scrapbooking, and it’s not working.
So yeah: Liz is ridiculously self-absorbed and can’t understand why no one’s excited for her, even though it’s all she fucking talks about. She continues to shove Switzerland up everyone’s ass, and even goes so far as to approach her family, asking them to rehearse their application interview so they don’t blow it for her. Meanwhile, Jess calls Steven home on a “first-class emergency” and they brainstorm on how to keep Liz in town. They make plans to screw up Liz’s scholarship interview by acting like “people with little moral fiber.” Eep!
Liz dresses for her interview like an American Girl doll and is paranoid and bitchy because Steven and Jess are acting all shady. Alice basically tells Liz to shut up and stop whining—can we get a slow clap going for Alice, plz? Still, that doesn’t stop Liz from insisting that Ned leave work early for the interview or else the interviewer will think that they have “a broken family.” Har har.
The interviewer, Mr. Sterne, is frosty toward Liz (how can this be?!), and goes on and on about his high standards and “fine families,” and thus is all put out when he sees a motorcycle parked in the Wakefields’ driveway (courtesy of Jess’ new paramour’s cousin). Steven’s in the kitchen, unshaven, and saying how Mr. Wakefield isn’t home because time is meaningless. He also talks about how Jess is “unbalanced” without Liz, and then the devil shows up, wearing a leather mini skirt with a bunch of whorish makeup on her face. When Mr. Sterne leaves, Liz whines, “You all made me look like a real jerk!” Girl, you didn’t need that much help. Steve and Jess ignore Liz and vow to make Liz look schizophrenic—I sense a “which twin is which?” plot on the horizon!
At school, Jess—dressed like Liz—sidles up to Mr. Sterne and purrs, “Have I mentioned how important I think men are?” Then she makes out with boys in front of him and talks about how madly in love with Mr. Collins she is, all of which is actually pretty awesome. When Liz finds out what Steve and Jess are up to, she hits the roof and her siblings immediately apologize to her, which sucks, because this was an interesting plot that I wish would’ve been dragged out.
Mr. Sterne shows up and offers Liz the scholarship because Jess and Steve confessed everything to him, but Liz chooses that moment to go all Dorothy and reject the scholarship, ‘cause no place is like Sweet Valley. Blech, and after all that! Maybe she should go—does she really think anyone wants to be around her after she crapped all over their feelings?
The subplot is that Winston Egbert gets a lottery ticket and holds a “Get Rich Quick” party at his place. But a poverty-stricken old man accidentally takes Winston’s jacket, and Winston ends up winning the lottery with the ticket that was in the old man’s jacket. (Of course nosy Bloodhound Elizabeth notices that the ticket numbers are different.) “Big Win” is plagued throughout the whole story with his moral dilemma before he gives all the money to the old dude. Bor-ring. Wasn’t this an episode of “Full House”? Or every sitcom ever?
Other Notes:
- Jess’ latest paramour has given her a pair of binoculars. How…romantic? Especially since she uses them to check out other guys on the beach.
- “Europe has really had it,” Jess says in Sweet Valley’s defense, which amuses me.
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