* Photo credit to The Closet *
Look at Liz, looking all aghast at Aaron Dallas, who’s ready punch his BFF Jeffrey French in the mouth. Shut your face, Liz, and get your mitts off his wrist! It disturbs me that Liz and Jeffrey look so twin-y themselves—shun @ identical couples! It also disturbs me how short Aaron Dallas is, and his face! He looks like a Lego person.
Aaron’s been a super spaz lately because his mom left his dad for another guy, and now everyone at school hates him for being pissy and mean. And Liz is soooo put out by Aaron’s behavior and can’t understand why Jeffrey is even still friends with Aaron. Because bros before hos, girl. I can’t believe how snobby Liz is in the story; it’s obnoxious. She gets all huffy when Jeffrey drags her out on a double date with Aaron and his girlfriend Heather Sanford, and Liz is totally superior in comparison to Heather, who speaks only of fashion and talks baby talk (in public!) to Aaron. Like everything Liz does and says is unquestionably better and more interesting—all she does on dates is engage her boyfriend in conversations about how she’s “so worried” about other people. Sounds gossipy to me. In fact, Liz actually mocks Heather in front of a slew of other girls in a truly bitchhole fashion; it’s sort of shocking! Don’t ever feed me shit about Elizabeth’s unwavering goodness, Francine. Meanwhile, Heather is sorry that Liz hates her, “because she really liked and respected her.” Cringe!
Liz writes a story for The Oracle about how Aaron flipped his lid at soccer practice and was threatened to be kicked off the team if he got into another fight. She acts all self-righteous about it, pulling her, “I’m a journalist! I must report the truth!” bullshit, as if The Oracle is a real paper and she’s a real writer. Mm hmm. Aaron is super pissed, but Heather tells Liz that she supports her, and only then Liz starts to like her. Good God.
Aaron demands an apology from Liz, and when Jeffrey steps up to defend his bitchy girlfriend, Aaron slugs him and runs away crying. Then Liz is all, “Jeffrey, do you believe me now?” SHUT. UP! Christ. I hate everyone in this story. Heather chases Aaron down and begs him to see a guidance counselor, and he agrees. Liz and Jeffrey come over and force Aaron to apologize to Liz and then make it seem like him getting help is all their idea. I’m about ready to blow my stack. Everyone at school is abuzz with the rumor that Aaron’ll get kicked off the team right before The Big Game against Big Mesa, but he’s allowed to stay on, because athletes get everything they want at Sweet Valley High. And Heather “gets back” at Liz for mocking her by good-naturedly talking in an “Eyes and Ears” style. Yeah. That’s the same.
So what’s Jess Wakefield been up to? I’m so glad you asked. She’s decided to embark on a career in sales thanks to Tofu-Glo, a line that sells all-natural beauty products made out of soybeans. Before ever trying the products, she has a Tofu-Glo party and offers a money-back guarantee on everything—oh God. I’m bracing myself. She goes door-to-door selling the stuff, and is successful until one old bag demands to try out some moisturizer, and the stuff stinks like whoa and won’t wash off her skin. Then Jess experiences an onslaught of unhappy customers who all want their money back for some reason or another. It turns out that she was supposed to refrigerate all the products—at least that’s what the fine print on the bottom of the containers said! Jess has to pay the trash guy to take all that tofu shit away, but then Ned Wakefield comes to the rescue and reports that Tofu-Glo’s policy—thanks to a previous lawsuit—is to reimburse Tofu-Glo girls the start-up fees and damages. Jess comes out on top again!
Other Notes:
- Jess tries to sell Liz on how youthful Tofu-Glo will make her: “Are you kidding? You’ll be fifteen again!” That made me laff.
- Big Mesa loses to Sweet Valley for the hundredth time in a row. It really does suck to be them.
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