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#34 – Forbidden Love

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I keep confusing this book’s cover with #42 – Caught in the Middle—it’s like listening to Mariah’s “We Belong Together” and “Don’t Forget About Us”. They’re exactly the same.

Maria Santelli is weird looking. She looks like a simpering 1970s actress who has mom hair and no lips. No wonder she’s on no more covers. Michael Harris looks freaking scary. I think he’s part Frankenstein. Must…do…best…not to…make…a Steven Wakefield robot comparison

All of SVH is abuzz with the news that M&M are engaged. Not only are they all of sixteen, but their fams hate each other thanks to a biznazz venture gone wrong, making them the non-suicide-y Romeo and Juliet of SVH. They decide to keep their engagement a secret from their families and are all lovey dovey at first, but then Michael turns into a possessive wanker and demands that Maria stop helping Winston Egbert, who’s randomly campaigning to be a liaison between the Student Council and the PTA. This crushes both Maria, who enjoys working with Winston, and Winston, who is sick in love with Maria. Eep! Winston having a crush (on someone who isn’t a Wakefield) is sexy. Anyway, Maria starts thinking that being sixteen and practically married sort of sucks. Nevertheless, she tries to pawn her job as Winston’s assistant or whatever off on Liz, and Liz is all self-righteous: “You and Winston had an agreement. It seems to me that you owe it to him to follow through.” Shut up, Liz.

Meanwhile, twenty-four of the mainstay characters (i.e. Liz, Jess, Lila Fowler, blippity blop) have enrolled in a little seminar on family and marriage and are paired up with other mainstays to have imaginary families and careers and blah blah, and present to the rest of the class what they learned. M&M get paired up and start bitching about everything. Winston and Jess get “married,” and it’s sort of fun: Winston’s a bus driver and Jess is a part-time hairdresser and they have a billion kids. Lila Fowler is repulsed that she’s matched with “dull” Bill Chase, who’s unemployed. Get this bee ess: Liz and Bruce Patman get paired up, and Liz “couldn’t help smiling at the prospect of pretending to be married to one of the richest boys in the school” and “thought their ‘marriage’ would be fun”. Um, Liz, remember when he tried to get you drunk and fuck you? Psh.

Lila, Jess, and Cara Walker decide to throw M&M a bridal shower/engagement party, and of course Liz is all, “I hate to intrude”—*cough cough BULL SHIT cough*—“but don’t you think it’s a little inappropriate to have a surprise party for M&M when they’ve made it clear that their engagement is secret?” I think it’s inappropriate for you, Liz, to whine and whine about this and then go to the party anyway. Jesus. M&M show up after having a big argument and want to barf at the prospect of celebrating their now tenuous love.

Then get this: Caroline Pearce’s mom is as big as a gossip as she is (what’re the chances? Oh, yes, they’re enormous), and accidentally tells the Santellis that M&M are engaged. This crisis gets the Santellis and Harrises together and they all rush over to the Fowler mansion to flip out on their idiot children. But by the time they get there, Michael has already pissed off Maria by announcing to all the party guests that he’s going to run against Winston and Maria’s going to help him, so she gives him back his ring (“Take this piece of tin!”—no, Grease fans, I wish) and runs off to look for Winston, leaving Michael to deal with their parents alone. Maria finds Winston, who’d been outside crying (MEEP! How precious), and they kiss passionately (awwww yeaaah) while fucking Liz has a heart-to-heart with Michael about letting Maria go. That’s so hot—hooking up with someone else at your own engagement party.

Let’s wrap this bad boy up: The Santellis and Harrises become BFFs again, Winston wins his beloved liaison gig, M&M decide to stay friends, and the former twosome get an A-plus-plus when they remind the rest of the seminar that while the “serious, adult side of marriage” is crucial, so is “just plain love.”

Other Notes:

  • Just once, I wish they would’ve plopped Winston on a cover and referred to him as cute. Even Enid Rollins gets called “pretty in her own way,” for cripes sake. I call “do over” and also declare that the book be renamed “Winston Finally Gets a Piece.”
  • Jess debates whether or not to get a perm, and Liz is all “reproving.” Meanwhile, Liz gets her own fucking perm in a later book. I guess it’s okay then, since it’s her doing it. Argh, why does she make me so angry and hateful?!
  • The Droids wrote a new song. Feel free to read these lyrics when you want to vomit in order to keep drinking:Hold on to your love, girl.
    Hold on tight.
    I’m telling you I never knew
    What love was, babe, and now there’s you.
    Hold on to your love, girl.
    Hold on tonight.
    I’m telling you until I hold you close to me
    I never knew what joy could be…I just drowned in a puddle of my own puke.

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