* Photo credit to The Closet *
Here we have what seems to be a scene from the “montage of progress” that is sadly missing in Starting Over. There’s Dana Larson, looking like Barbie (of Barbie and the Rockers, after I butchered the doll’s hair and tragically wanted nothing more to do with her), and that poor girl she’s mangling is her cousin Sally Larson. Why have we never heard of this mysterious Sally before? Because 1) Those who live in Sweet Valley like to pull attractive siblings/cousins/etc. out of their assholes, and 2) the Larson family ARE assholes, period. You’ll see.
The cover begs the question, “Will Sally Larson have to change to stay in Sweet Valley?” The answer, of course, is a resounding YES, if she has any sort of personality whatsoever.
Sally’s been bounced around from foster home to foster home all her life, and has a past that cousin Dana can’t help but consider “embarrassing”: “a father who was a bum, no real home, a year behind in school,” all which Dana admits is no real fault of Sally herself, but… What’s actually embarrassing is that the Larsons knew about Sally’s deal and let so many years pass by without stepping up to the plate and letting her live with them, preferring to forget about her in foster homes. Dana vows not to let Sally’s speckled history ruin her OR Sally, and tries to give Sally a makeover, force her to like everything that she does, and tells her to not ever mention her life again. Oh, how nice.
And don’t even get me started on Dana’s brother, Jeremy. He stomps around and glares at Sally and treats her like fecal matter because she took over his room, forcing him to move into the much roomier attic. He hogs his friend Mark Riley all to himself, even though Mark is clearly interested in Sally, and Jeremy says lots of bratty, uncompassionate things, such as “You’d think she was some kind of princess or a cripple or something… God, I’m sick of her already!” I read this initially thinking he was all of thirteen. Not even—he’s a high school senior. Grow the hell up, dude.
Dana soon sides with her brother and starts hatin’ on Sally because her parents are ragging on her for letting Sally do all her chores, even though Sally is doing them only because she’s so scared that she’ll be put back in foster care that she thinks she must be on her best behavior and go out of her way to please everyone. She’s making Dana look bad! So Sally, picking up on her cousin’s negative vibes, tries to be even more obedient and complacent and helpful, making her cousins even more pissed… It’s just a vicious cycle.
But all that changes when Jeremy gives Dana and Sally a ride home and randomly, inexplicably decides to pick up a pair of skeezy hitchhikers. (???) The hitchhikers steal Jeremy’s wallet and sexually harass Dana and demand a ride to Kelly’s, the Hellmouth of Sleaze. Sally gets out of the car with the skeezeballs and announces that Dana and Jeremy are bores, so Jeremy drives away with an “Oh, well” even though those guys might rape his cousin before the night is over, until Dana realizes that Sally only did that to save her and Jeremy, and then the siblings realize what total fuckers they are. They gather up Mark Riley and some intimidating-looking football stars and go back to Kelly’s to rescue Sally. (Why is it that the adults are always so threatened by high school kids?) Then they all tell Sally that they love her 4eva and eva, and go home and learn that the Larsons are officially adopting Sally, nearly years too late. YAY!
This story also introduces us to the occasionally forgotten Prince Albert, the Wakefields’ golden retriever whom Jess brings home and actually hides from her parents in her freaking bedroom for a week or so. Don’t tell me that Ned and Alice are good, attentive parents—they don’t even know what’s going on under their roof. Jess could have an orgy in her room and they wouldn’t have a clue. I still don’t understand how she pulled this off—dogs bark, and howl, and whine, and otherwise make a lot of noise. And being a dog stuck in a bedroom? Forget it. Why do I always attempt to argue with the books’ logic? I just can’t win. But I sort of think it’s cute how Jess steps up to the plate to take care of the dog (and get the washer fixed once he eats it) and gets into cute wacky mischief (she runs away from dinner and attempts to escape out the basement window to go to laundry so her parents won’t find out about the washer, which actually had me laughing out loud—I’m so embarrassed!). I’m totally having a Jessica crush right now. What happened to me from Wrong Kind of Girl to here?
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