Bruce Patman looks rather sinister on this cover, don’t you think? Maybe it’s his subtle evil glare. Maybe it’s the stranglehold he’s got on Jessica Wakefield, who looks like she just threw up in her mouth and is trying to simultaneously smile and swallow vomit.
The school is in the midst of a freakin’ dance contest. Yes, you read that right: another dance. So far, the ratio of dances to SVH books is 3:3.
The fall queen and king are obliged to show up to school events together, and Queen Jessica arrives to the dance with King Winston Egbert, although she’s pining to grind all up on Bruce Patman. After all, he’s hot, and rich, “which made him even more attractive to her.”
Bruce is playing hard-to-get, so Jess attempts to gain his attention by dancing like a club ho. Her plan works, and Bruce swoops in on her like an angel of death. They win the dance contest by busting out some jumps, lifts, and other Jennifer Grey/Patrick Swayze tricks. ThenJess dumps Winston in front of everyone in order to go to Ken Matthews’s party with Bruce.
Bruce and Jess go swimming in the lake at the party, and Bruce—EEP!—UNTIES JESS’S BIKINI TOP, right in front of everyone! I was so excited when I first read this back in the day; it was like erotica for twelve-year-olds. But that’s as juicy as it gets: Jess puts the brakes on, and Bruce admonishes her for being a tease. Boo, hiss.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Wakefield won’t stop obsessing about her sister, throughout this book and until the end of time. She says that her sister “would die if she could see how she was behaving” around Bruce. However, Jess is simply standing there, with her arm around the guy. Okay, she’s acting like an airhead as opposed to a manipulative sociopath like usual. I guess that’s worse…?
Hawk-Eye Elizabeth even stalks B&J into the woods to dispense a lecture, and Jess tells her to stop interrupting their fooling around and eff off. I’m so embarrassed for Liz at this point that I sort of hate her. Then Liz goes home and waits up until dawn for Jess to come home so she could tell her that she’s “following [Bruce] like a little puppy dog.” Irony up in here!
Irritatingly, Liz is right: Bruce does treat Jess like dog crap. He breaks dates with her, insists that she change the way she dresses and stop going to cheerleading, and even has her pick up his dry-cleaning. Jess becomes his meek, submissive slave, and Liz frets that she’ll “lose the real Jessica altogether.” Jessica not acting like Jessica? Someone explain the downside, plz.
The final straw is when Bruce hosts his own birthday party on the night that Jess expects to have a romantic evening for two. Bruce commands her to be a wallflower all evening while he dances with every other girl in Sweet Valley. The party moves to the pizza place Guido’s, where Bruce continues to blow off Jess until he gets a phone call about his sick grandma and has to peace out.
Liz and her boyfriend, Todd Wilkins, volunteer to take Jess home while Bruce allegedly goes home to nurse Granny back to health. Liz thinks this is the perfect time to show Jess who Bruce really is, so she and Todd drive around for a half an hour before returning to Guido’s under the guise that Liz forgot her keys there. Lo and behold, Bruce’s Porsche—with the license plate “1bruce1”—is still in the parking lot.
Jess storms inside and finds Bruce inside with his arm around another girl. She smashes a pizza in his face in front of the gang—a waste of a good pie, if you ask me—and then lets the air out of his tires. I don’t think this vengeance is quite on par with the emotional abuse that Bruce heaped on Jess, but Francine Pascal/the ghostwriter tries to pretend it is. Then Jess snaps her fingers at Winston and tells him she owes him a date. Enjoy it while it lasts, Win.
A side plot is about The Droids, who go all California Dreams on us when they get “discovered” by a talent scout at the dance contest. (Immediately Killjoy Liz insists, “But don’t rush into anything too quickly!” Gah. Shut up, Liz.). They even wear coordinating outfits to their gigs at dive bars!
But in the end, it turns out to be just a scam; the “talent scout” was just out to put the mack on Dana Larson, the lead singer. There’s some kind of moral to be learned, I think. But figuring it out would require the use of my brain, which is gone now after reading this story.
Other Notes:
- Bruce “dated” both Lila Fowler (But what about their Fowler vs. Patman feud? I’d like to read THAT Romeo and Juliet saga) and Cara Walker before putting the moves on Jessica. So how hot can Jess really be, hm?
- Out-of-context, Todd Wilkins says to Liz, “I heard somewhere that identical twins have identical talents.” Dream on, Wilkins.
- The Droids play a song they wrote called “I’ve Found Paradise,” which is about “how her Eden would be complete only when she found the right boy to share it with.” I’d love to get my hands on THOSE lyrics.
- This book introduces us to Robin Wilson, who just moved to Sweet Valley and, for some inexplicable reason, wants to be Jessica’s friend. Oh, yeah, and don’t forget: Robin Wilson is OVERWEIGHT. “If she lost some weight, she might not be bad looking,” but right now, she’s a “butterball.” She shops in stores that “specialize in large sizes.” She’s got “plump legs” and is “pudgy with an ample midsection.” Thus, Francine Pascal finds her the scourge of the earth and is intent on launching thousands of eating disorders by depicting R.Wil as the biggest loser at SVH until she’s thin. Anorexia, here we come.
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