* Photo credit to The Closet *
I asked during the last recap if anyone else in Sweet Valley plays music other than the Droids, and this book answers, “Yes, but they’re losers.”
OMG @ Liz’s face. What a condescending bitch! She looks so smarmy, like she’s happy someone sucks more than her. The truth is, I sort of think Lynne Henry—that’s the awkward chick with the guitar—is cute. You know she’s a total babe beneath those ridonc glasses!
Jess nobly wants to raise money for the cheerleading squad so they can buy new uniforms (“cute white skirts” for all!). How will she do this? By sitting in a rocking chair at her “Rock Around the Clock” event, of course. She actually gets people to pay to see how long she’ll sit in a chair. This is pretty much the laziest fundraiser ever. Of course, the Droids are going to play there, because they’re the only band in town—no one dares compete with the awesomeness that is the Droids!
Speaking of the Droids, they’re announcing a songwriting contest to find their new hit song. More laziness! But this contest unearths another Sweet Valley musician: Lynne Henry—Big, Tall, and Awkward. Lynne plays guitar, is a friendless “nobody,” and constantly has to deal with her hot mom, who’s the manager of the Silver Door, a health club/spa/beauty parlor/etc. To make life even more unbearable for Lynne, she’s super hot for the “crinkly eyes” of Guy Chesney, the Droids’ keyboardist. Because keyboardists need love, too. (But on the back cover, they call him their lead guitarist… Wait, am I really shocked by an inconsistency in a SVH book?)
Lynne and Guy have had decent chats on the way to school about music, Guy himself (who is “so eager to talk about himself and his feelings”—great), and their luuuuuvvvv for Linda Ronstadt. Sadly, Lynne is sort of grating with her hopeless attitude. I’d sympathize with her if only her griping didn’t get on my nerves so freaking much. “Why should she make an effort when it was just easier to be average?” Lady, you ain’t even average, so don’t go there.
The Droids announce their songwriting contest at the junior class picnic, which is sponsored by none other than Mr. Collins and…Mr. Jaworski, the drama coach…? I’m finding this unlikely. The contest is unimaginatively titled the “Star-Search Song Contest.” The Droids plan to play the winner’s song at their “Rock Around the Clock” gig. So…what exactly does the winner get if the Droids bask in the glory of the song? At any rate, submit your cassette today, y’all! I mean, even Lynne writes a song—”On the Outside, Looking In”—for the contest, crying while doing so. That’s how you KNOW it’s gonna be good!
As it turns out, a “hush” falls over the crowd when they listen to Lynne’s tape—which was submitted anonymously—and hear “the richest, throatiest, most gorgeous voice they’d ever heard.” It’s nothing but a siren song to Guy Chesney, who immediately gets a boner and he desperately makes attempts to find his faceless lady love. This is so Cinderella + The Little Mermaid, y/y?
Guy insists that Lynne listen to the magical song and Lynne still doesn’t feel validated enough so she doesn’t admit that it’s her. Then Mr. Collins heaps some praise on Lynne about her paper on Emily Dickinson and that inspires her to get a makeover. She puts on contacts, plucks her eyebrows, and puts on earrings and a jumpsuit, and turns into a stone fox. Lynne’s mom pops in and insists that “what matters is feeling good about yourself”…so while you’re at it, Lynne, why not get a haircut at the Silver Door?
Naturally, Lynne’s loneliness attracts the attention of local saint Elizabeth Wakefield, who notices that “with a smile on her face and a sparkle in her eye, Lynne Henry was actually almost pretty!” Please do not fail to note the “almost.” She learns Lynne’s secret when she stops by the Music Center to buy a Billie Holiday CD (???) and finds Lynne there, playing guitar and singing “On the Outside, Looking In.” How convenient! Naturally, Lynne spills her heart and soul out: “I feel like I can tell you this even though it makes me feel like a total moron.” Great! Lynne goes on to explain that she whole-heartedly believes that Guy wants to date a chick who looks like Linda Ronstadt, even though Liz is all “be yourself” but what the hell does Liz know.
The Droids play Lynne’s song at “Rock Around the Clock,” to which everyone shows up in 1950s garb. During the song, Guy looks “so moved Elizabeth was almost afraid he’d cry.” Nevertheless, it doesn’t prevent Liz from holding the information over Guy’s head under the pretense of being so GOOD and so KIND. “I can’t tell you,” she says, even though Guy’s about ready to fling himself off the nearest rooftop. Liz does hint that the person thinks she doesn’t look like Linda Ronstadt, and something clicks in Guy’s brain, because who the hell else in that school would like Linda Ronstadt but him and Lynne?
So now that Guy knows, he somehow thinks that the best way to win Lynne’s love is to…humiliate her? He walks with her to school, saying how he sat down with a police artist and described what he thought the singer looked like and it’s just so dumb, it hurts. Then a flier is distributed around school that actually has the police sketch of Lynne’s face on it—complete with those monstrous glasses, I’m to assume? The Droids magically get permission to hold a lunchtime concert in the caf and force Lynne to sing her song, and then Guy drags her out into the patio and starts making out with her. His exuberance is kind of making me tired.
Other Notes:
- Even the characters acknowledge that no one aside from the Droids has musical talent. Take Liz, for example: “I’m not sure how many songwriters are hiding out there. Maybe not that many.” How can anyone possibly imagine it to be so?
- When Ken Matthews hears the title to Lynne’s song, he’s all, “What kind of title is that?” Ken… oh, Ken. Maybe you should try wearing your helmet during football practice, hmm? I nearly empathize with good ol’ Suzanne Hanlon for trying “to ‘convert’ Ken from a man of athletic prowess to a man of culture.”
- Jess actually insists that she needs to practice for “Rock Around the Clock”. I… I’m speechless.
- Liz considers Lynne’s song to “a song to fall in love to.” WTF?! It’s downright suicidal! Here, you just read the damn thing, complete with awkward punctuation, and make your own conclusions about that:
Day after day, I’m feeling kind of lonely,
Day after day, it’s him and him only.
Something in his eyes
Made my hopes start to rise.
But he’s part of a world that doesn’t include me.
Nothing he says could ever delude me.
I’ll never win.
This is how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside…looking in.
Night after night, I’m saying a prayer
Night after night…that somebody will care!
Somebody to hear me,
Someone to stay near me…
But nothing’s going to change. Dreams can’t deceive me.
I’m all alone. You’ve got to believe me.
I just can’t win.
This is how it’s always been.
I’m on the outside—on the outside…
Lookin’ in.
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