* Photo credit to The Closet *
Eep! Another cover with an exclamation points! This is serious. The same, virtually disembodied hand that kidnapped Liz appears to be making a lunge for Regina, who looks like she ought to be guest starring on The Facts of Life!
Liz is suspicious about some situation going down at the Morrow mansion because she called once after some delivery boy/stoner named Eddie Strong told her that Regina was back in town, and Regina’s aunt answered the phone. Howevs, according to her beau Bruce Patman, Regina’s parents are both only children. I sense an IMPOSTER! Liz wants to get all up in this biznazz: “I just want to make sure Regina Morrow isn’t in trouble!” I guess she doesn’t have anything else to do now that Todd Wilkins is gone and she can’t fight with him. There’s about 500 pages of back story—a Cliff’s Notes for Head Over Heels, really—and Liz frets and obsesses and Jess basically tells her she’s on crack and to STFU. Amen, yo.
But Liz instead calls up Bruce so they can fret and obsess together, and Liz declares that she’s going to “sneak around and do some detective work.” Dear Lord. Why, in Sweet Valley, is being an awesome friend synonymous with being a nosy asshat? She goes to the Morrows’ and a stern, nervous-looking woman answers the door and acts all shady, saying that Regina isn’t there. Then Regina appears behind her, just walking around! The shady lady slams the door in Liz’s face, and Liz races home to interrupt Jess’s aerobicizing to fret and obsess some more. The twins actually call the cops, who check out the place and say that the shady lady—Claire Davis—is just SKYE MORROW’s stepsister. (I just can’t get over that name.) The sergeant even adds, “Next time try not to get so alarmed just because your girlfriend isn’t able to come outside and meet you.” BURN! I enjoy when the twins are rebuked, but sadly, all this rebuking is coming too early, meaning that the Wakefields will prove to everyone that they were right all along. Shun. But I digress.
The twins get Bruce to pretend to be Eddie Strong so he can deliver groceries/secret messages to the Morrows. The story switches to Regina’s POV, thus destroying any mystery of the unknown, and tells us that Regina had received an urgent letter from Papa Morrow to rush home and was met at the airport by Aunt Claire, who said she had a gun and that her parents were being held hostage because her cohort—some dude—wanted the prototype of a microchip Mr. Morrow had invented. And Claire and the guy need Regina to sneak into the company and steal it. Um, why not use Mr. Morrow himself, considering that he’s the INVENTOR? Ugh, sixteen-year-olds are really given too much to do.
Regina responds to the twins’ message by dropping a note out her window in a compact and having the Wakefields and Bruce pick it up in the evening. They read about her plight, scare themselves shitless, and call up her brother Nicholas, who refrains from hitting on Liz for the billionth time since he moved to Sweet Valley long enough to come back early from his friend’s house and help them. Actually, scratch that: One of his plans is to make out with Liz when a suspicious-looking car passes them on the road. Oh, Nicholas, just give it up! Nicholas identifies the guy—Phillip Denson—as some sleazeball who worked for Mr. Morrow once upon a time.
Liz actually cuts school (gasp! Try not to cry, Mr. Collins) to go out with Jess, Bruce, and Nicholas in an attempt to visit P.Denson’s house. They see a hot guy on the property (natch) and send in Jessica to act like a hussy and find out any secret info. The guy—Mitch—is P.Denson’s son and of course he wants to bone Jess. When he goes to get her a beverage, she looks through the window and sees Mr. Morrow and SKYE—right there in the living room! Ugh, none of this plan makes any sense. WHY am I always surprised by these nonsensical plot lines?
The twins and Nicholas hang out and eat sandwiches and splash around in the pool at Bruce’s pad while the Patman parents are away, joking and the like. Oh, yeah, and they also plan how to rescue their hot, deaf friend/sister/lovah. In Regina’s note, she says that P.Denson and Claire said “Money is heaven”, and the Scooby Gang all dwell on that for awhile, until Jessica breaks the code: “Put your hands over your ears… Tell me what it sounds like I’m saying. Think of a day and a time.” “Monday at seven”—that’s when P.Denson and Claire are going to make their move to steal the prototype. That’s a little obscure, y/n? Whatever. Jess attributes her genius to reading Agatha Christie, while I can’t picture Jess reading anything more involved than the instructions on a box of tampons. Then they all go to the beach, while the rest of the Morrows balance on the precipice of death. This is sort of insane.
As per the plan, Jess goes back to the Densons to flirt with Mitch and ask him to go out with her, Monday at seven(ish). That night, Nicholas and Liz stake out the plant while Jess and Bruce go to the Densons house to rescue Mama and Papa Morrow. Of course, P.Denson shows up and waves his gun around, but Mitch—overcome by his love for Jess—is all, “Let my people go!” and knocks the gun out of his dad’s hands, giving the Morrows, Bruce, and Jess time to escape. Back at the plant, Liz bugs Claire and Regina (to no one’s surprise) and stalls them long enough for Nicholas to call the cops. Then Bruce’s Porsche rolls up, with P.Denson’s Dodge behind them, and I am so sick of writing this recap. It turns out P.Denson’s doing this all for revenge because Mr. Morrow got him arrested for stealing a red stapler or something from the office supply closet. But before he can get vengeance, the cops show up, arrest the baddies, and of course that be that.
Other Notes:
- For all you wondering out there, Alice Wakefield makes a “delicious blue-cheese dressing!” The narrator even thinks so!
- An awesome bit of useless exposition that never goes anywhere: “Jess is downstairs, calling Eddie Strong on the second line that our parents just had installed.” Thanks, Liz. I care.
- Bruce is really such a pussy these days now that love has reformed him. It’s tres dull.
- Nicholas: “My father doesn’t use passwords as far as I know.” No passwords? In the computer industry? Oh, the 1980s!
- You can tell P.Denson’s a bad guy, because he has a toothpick hanging from his mouth. No self-respecting Sweet Valleyian would do that!
- The story ends with no idea how the hell Claire Davis got entangled in P.Denson’s drama. She was never absolutely vital to this story. But I promise not to lose sleep over it.
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