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#25 – Nowhere To Run

* Photo credit to The Closet *

I don’t know–maybe I just hate all the SVH books in the #20s. It’s certainly shaping up to be that way. However, this one really takes the case, especially since I already made aware my hatred for step-parent plots! This story combines every step-family horror story and regurgitates them into one big painful plot.

Here is yet another cover where we see Liz hovering around some poor, unworthy brunette. And Emily Mayer—with her pink polo shirt and completely whiny expression—doesn’t look cool enough to even talk to the Droids, let alone be the band’s drummer. Keep this cover for the re-leased books and try to pass her off as playing in the Valley of Death.

Please note that the back cover asks, “What will the Droids do without Emily?” to which my sci-fi-loving friend saw and immediately wanted to know what the hell this book was about. Oh, the possibilities!

Liz and Jess are peein’ their pantz: Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield are visiting from Michigan! And that’s exactly how they refer to their grandparents, too: not Nana, not Papa, not Gram, not Pops, not even something mildly interesting. After all, “Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield” just rolls right off the tongue, right?

However, Liz’s joy is diminished by classmate Emily’s home-life woes. What’s the haps, you ask? Emily now has to deal with a screaming half-sister Karrie and her evil stepmother Karen. (I shun the job the name-pickers did on this one.) Karen wants to send Emily to boarding school, and of course Mr. Mayer doesn’t give a rat’s testicle about his eldest kid now and is all, “Quit giving my wifey a hard time!” To make matters worse, Karen hates the drums and thinks the Droids are a bad influence on Emily. Even Dan Scott, the bass guitarist and Emily’s crush! Noes!

Meanwhile, in contrast, the perfect Wakefields are having perfect family dinners with perfect Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield. The twins are downright enchanted with their grandparents, and Alice is all grumpy because she feels left out. Jesus, Alice, what are you, fourteen? The kids haven’t seen their grandparents in at least a year. And like she gave a damn before. She’s like, “Ned, do you think I’ve been neglecting the girls lately?” (Try not to laugh.) I’m all annoyed at this imaginary woman. Alice desperately tries to usurp Grandma and Grandpa Wakefield’s time with her kids, but no one wants to hang out with her. When Liz and Jess finally catch wind of their mom’s need for attention, their solution is…to ask for help planning a going-away party for the grandparents. Huh? That’s stupid. Like everything is in these books. But all’s well and Alice gets over her need to be a good mother and everything works out for the Wakefields. Of course.

Back to Emily. I sincerely can’t even bear to recap in detail about how psychotic her stepmother Karen is. Emily’s no longer allowed to play drums and she has to spend every waking second babysitting because Karen is SOOOO tired after her long-ass day of doing absolutely nothing. Seriously. The woman can’t cook, clean, go to work, or even change a vacuum cleaner bag. Karen screams at Emily in front of her friends and Emily’s pressured to sell her drums for $200 (to her beloved Dan Scott, who says he wants to sell them to his friend), but the real icing on the cake is when Emily saves Karrie from choking and Mr. Mayer thinks Emily was trying to off her little sister or something because Karen is too busy freaking the fuck out to explain what was happening. Emily runs away with her $200—all the way to the Wakefields’—and plans to go to Chicago to where her real mom escaped to, but the old Mrs. Mayer married a Mexican and is long gone.

Emily talks to Grandma Wakefield after the Wakefields finish whispering their WASPy sympathies, and Grandma tells this long-ass story about how she didn’t initially get along with her stepson Louis. Huh? A random uncle? Is this in The Wakefield Legacy? The Mayers roll up and Karen’s all hysterical with apologies. Everyone then hugs and eats the buffet, and Dan and the rest of the Droids show up with Em’s drum set and basically it’s all RIDIC.

Other Notes:

  • In Emily’s insanity, she attempts to join The Oracle, to which Liz exclaims, “But she’s a musician, not a journalist!” GOD FORBID IF SHE’S BOTH!
  • Try not to hurl when Emily blushes and says to Liz, “I’ve always admired you so much. You seem so together all the time, like you never have problems,” to which Liz replies, “I always have problems.” With what? Minding your own business?
  • Even Emily uses the name “Grandma Wakefield.” GO HOME! BOTH OF YOU!

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