Elizabeth looks like an angry governess who babysits Jessica. Well, she basically does babysit her sister, but still. Chill, Liz.
The story opens like the last one did: with Jessica whining about how hideous she looks, even though she was “as usual, too gorgeous for words.” Obviously, she does this so someone swoops in to insist she’s stunning, which usually happens and makes this all extra annoying.
Jess is pining hardcore for Bruce Patman, who is “movie-star handsome,” “fabulously rich,” and drives a black Porsche. He’s also a huge asshole, which means he’s pretty much perfect for Jess.
Though it’s still probably cleaning up from the last dance, Sweet Valley High is having yet another one. This time, crowns are involved! Jessica, of course, is prepared to commit homicide to win one. However, her sister’s boring best friend, Enid Rollins, has also been nominated for the queen of the fall dance, and Enid’s boyfriend, Ronnie Edwards, is on the dance committee. Jess deduces that Enid, therefore, has an “in” and thus must be destroyed, at least socially.
But Enid’s got more than the dance to stress about: She fears Ronnie won’t love her anymore if he learns about her dark past. You see, once upon a time, she accidentally hit a kid while driving her friend George Warren’s GTO because they were “stoned out of their minds.” Obviously the kid lived, since people who are stoned out of their minds drive about five miles per hour, but it was enough to scare Enid straight.
Liz gazes at Enid with sympathy as Enid pours her heart out to her, and Enid can’t help but think how ravishingly beautiful her bestie is. Enid reminds me of Marcia Brady’s lesbian best friend Noreen in the first Brady Bunch movie.
Anyway, Enid’s been penpalling up a storm with George for two years and is scared to have Ronnie find out. This is because Ronnie is so jealous that he gets pissed at her for talking to the pizza guy, instructing him not to put anchovies on her pizza.
Liz and Enid get into a pillow fight or tickle fight or something equally goofy, making George’s letter fall to the floor. This give Jess the opportunity to find it and promptly make and distribute a bazillion copies. When Ronnie sees the letter, he dumps Enid. In turn, Enid gets pissed at Liz, who was the only one who Enid had told about the letters, and Liz spends much of the rest of the story crying about it.
Jess continues her heartless shenanigans and cons Ronnie into taking her to the dance. Confusingly, she tells Liz that she’s doing so for Enid’s sake, and even more confusingly, Liz buys it. I’ve never seen a girl more in denial in my life. But the puzzle pieces fall into place when Liz finds George’s letter in her room, realizes that Jess is the douche behind all this mess, and vows to get back at her sister.
Meanwhile, Enid decides to suck it up and go to the dance alone. That’s when George Warren shows up, looking all hot, dressed up, and ready to be her escort. She and Liz make up at the dance, and Enid says she doesn’t even care who’s behind breaking up her and Ronnie—she’s now all about foxy George. Still, Liz promises Enid that the perpetrator will get their just desserts.
Jess wins queen of the fall dance and is confident that Bruce will be her king. Alas, Liz spread a rumor that Jess was hot for Winston Egbert, so everyone voted for him to be king. This means that Jess will be stuck with him for the rest of the semester for any big school events. Jess has the gall to yell at Liz, “How could you do such a horrendous thing to me?… You practically ruined my life!” Girl, please. Take some meds and get ta steppin’.
Other Notes
- Cara Walker tells Jess that when she was tossed in the pool, she looked like Bo Derek in 10. Dude, don’t encourage her.
- In an effort to cheer up Enid, Liz initiates “Project C.C.Cookie” and vows that if she tells Enid’s secret, Enid can “bury her alive in chocolate chip cookie batter.” ::hangs self::
- At one point, Todd Wilkins reminds Liz that she’s going to the dance with an awesome guy (read: him), and she jokes, “Burt Reynolds is taking me to the dance?” Burt Reynolds? Was he ever attractive to sixteen-year-old girls, even in 1983?
- In a blink-and-you-miss it subplot (although plot is generous here), Lila Fowler is pissed at her dad for dating her French teacher, Ms. Dalton, so she spreads a rumor that Ms. Dalton is having an affair with football hero Ken Matthews. Lila then goes on to go to the dance with Ken herself. She also drinks her dad’s expensive French wine and has parties when he’s out of town, justifying her behavior by saying, “It’s his own fault for not spending more time at home.” Introducing the most realistic teenager in this series, ladies and gents.
- It’s in this book we get our first mention of infamous English teacher Mr. Collins looking like Robert Redford’s twin!
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