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#19 – Showdown

* Photo credit to The Closet *

According to the front cover caption, Jess and Lila are in love with the same dude. I hope Lila wins out, for a myriad of reasons. First, she looks so sweet and wholesome! But I know better, which is such a bonus. Second, Lila has nicer hair and she’s rich. (Just look at the pearls for confirmation!) Third, Jessica looks like a tranny (look at the defined jaw!).

Lila Fowler throws a pool party to show off her new hunky, construction worker boyfriend Jack. This sounds like something a 40-something divorcee would do. “But Lila was convinced that Jack was no ordinary construction worker.” Oh, psh. Anyway, before she meets him, Jess has already decided she wants to steal him away from her best friend. How does Jess have any friends at all? Jess dives in the pool to attract Jack’s attention, but Lila effectively keeps her new boy toy away from her pal by introducing him to Nicholas Morrow, who will not.shut.up. about being oh-so-sure that Jack’s from the East Coast. Jess finally wrangles a minute alone with Jack and asks him out to dinner. He accepts, and thus begins a legitimate schedule of dating Jess during the week and Lila on the weekends.

Naturally, Liz has a “funny feeling” about Jack, because he’s “playing an awfully dangerous game with Jess and Lila.” (Huh? Dangerous in what way, that he’s into dating crazies?) Bloodhounds have nothing on this girl. “What kind of guy would date two girls at the same time?” she wonders. Um, a lucky one? A horny one? A normal one? Jesus, she’s naïve. Jess, meanwhile, is ten shades of dismayed that Jack hasn’t dumped her best friend yet but vows not to give up. She has such stamina! She’s all, “I may even be in love with him,” and Liz is like, “How could you be? You’ve gone out with him exactly once,” which would have been an intelligent thing to say if Liz hadn’t been the one to obsess over Todd and welcome death if not his love in Double Love. And actually, Jess throws this fact right back in Liz’s face, which I enjoy. So snap it up, Liz.

Jack tells Jess that Lila means nothing to him, blah, blah, and Jess believes him. After all, he gives her “ripples of ecstasy!” Jack tells Lila that he thinks he’s in love with her, blah, blah, and Lila believes him. In fact, Jack’s all, “Lila, be my wifey!” Then he tells her their engagement has to be a secret. Never trust a guy who says that. Meanwhile, Jess goes to Jack’s house and through his medicine cabinet and finds his stash. Seeing Jessica Wakefield around drugs is such a turn on for me. She confronts Jack and sees him rifling through her purse. Oh snap! Suddenly, the mysterious disappearances of Daddy Fowler’s cufflinks and Jess’s ten dollars and his red-ringed eyes make such sense!

BTW: Nicholas Morrow (who is always referred to by both his first and last name) has a friend, David Matson, visit him from the East Coast, and David confirms that back East, Jack robbed a chick he was dating at knife point sometime after his entire family died in a boating accident and he began a drug binge. What a convenient visit David has made! The boys and Liz show up at Jack’s to stop him from strangling Jessica to death. Hawt.

While all these antics are unfolding, Enid Rollins’ boyfriend and longtime friend from her druggie days George Warren has started taking flying lessons along with ex-fattie Robin Wilson. There’re so much “WTF” moments in that sentence. Suddenly Tina Ayala – Penny’s little sister/the mysterious photographer who’s been taking amusing pictures around the school – surfaces with a picture of George and Robin making out on the airfield. I’m picturing this in my head and it’s so black-and-white and torrid! Liz confronts George and Robin, but ultimately vows now to say anything to Enid. Because she’s so good. And kind. And honesty personified. BTW: George and Robin are on crack; Liz tells them she wishes she could be happy for their newfound love, and they’re all incredulous: “But you can’t be?” Srsly? These books make me feel so smart.

Other Notes:

  • Why is everyone always racing to Sweet Valley to escape their sordid pasts? It doesn’t work! The teenagers always find you out! It’s Scooby Doo up here.
  • Why does Jess whine about Liz’s clothes, but in every story, she borrows something from her sister? And Jess always looks like a hooker but is wearing uptight Liz’s clothes, how conservative can Liz’s outfits be? This question will be on the SATs.
  • Jack renames the North Star after Jess. So when you’re lost, just look for Jessica Wakefield. All the Boy Scouts do.
  • Liz psychotically reminds Penny Ayala about Robin’s past: “She used to write all the time before she lost all that weight. Remember? When she was the butt of everyone’s jokes instead of the girl all the boys want to date?” When she was a total butterball who would sit home alone and eat entire cakes? When she was such a loser that she got blackballed out of Pi Beta Alpha and everyone laughed and laughed? Remember, Penny, REMEMBER?!
  • This book includes a twin tickle fight! Horny boys, please avert your eyes.
  • Elizabeth defending her friendship with Enid Rollins to Jessica pops up in a story as often as the classic description of the twins. (“Even though the girls looked identical, they were complete opposites!…”) The ghostwriter must think that readers need more convincing of why Liz would ever chill with Enid.

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