This book asks the burning question: Can Bruce Patman really fall in love?” With Regina Morrow, no less, who’s really cute—for a DEAF girl and all, as the series has and will keep telling us with great surprise every time. Bruce looks like a young Don Johnson and appears pretty much exactly as he did on the cover of “Playing with Fire”.
Bruce and Regina have been seeing a lot of each other, which baffles everyone because Regina is SO nice and Bruce is so…himself. Or is he? He appears to have changed and is always following Regina around like a lovesick puppy and giving her lots of expensive gifts. However, it’s never really explained why Bruce’s flipped his lid for Regina. She’s soooo nice, she’s soooo rich, she’s soooo beautiful, she’s soooo deaf—but I guess I just don’t understand how all that adds up to Bruce’s complete personality change. He’s all sorts of gentle with her and whispers in her ear, “I wish I could bring your hearing back with a kiss,” which makes me laff.
At any rate, all this pisses Jess off royally since she’d never had Bruce under her thumb like this. She and Lila Fowler make a bet whether Bruce’ll turn back into his old self and dump Regina within the next two weeks. But they’re not bettin’ Benjamins—“Daddy says it’s vulgar [to bet money],” says Lila—they’re betting term papers. Jess can barely stand to write her own, so she vows to do her best to break them up.
Mr. Collins (remember him?) is the faculty advisor of the carnival committee, which is trying to raise money for handicapped children. Of course Liz is the chairperson. Ugh—what’s this girl not involved in? Oh, yeah: her own business. Everyone runs to her for advice in this story and I feel sort of embarrassed for them all that they can’t handle their lives without Liz involved. Could you imagine if Liz died or something? All the citizens of the town would probably shrivel up and die, and Sweet Valley would crumble into the sea.
Regina’s mom SKYE, who’s the parent adviser of the committee and gets all sorts of dramatic stress-induced ailments, confides in Liz that she took diet pills when she was a model and pregnant with Regina, and that’s what caused Regina’s deafness. However! Now there’s a chance her hearing can be restored with a year of treatments in Switzerland, but Regina won’t go because she’s in love and finally feels normal! Won’t Liz—because she’s so GOOD and so KIND—change Regina’s mind?
Meanwhile, Ken Matthews is running for president of the Sweet Valley Centennial Student Committee (there’s a lot of nonsense going on in this book), and he’s pissed because he was currently running unopposed until Bruce Patman decided to throw his hat in the ring. He tells Jess that everyone’ll probably vote for Bruce now that he’s changed because of Regina, so Jess—seizing the opportunity—tells Regina that Bruce is dating her only so he’ll win the election. “If anyone can botch up a perfect relationship, it’s me!” Jess thinks with great pride. Good for you, Wakefield, put it on your resume.
Regina believes Jess and talks to Bruce about it, and we learn from annoying P.O.V. changes that he’s being secretive about it because he wanted to surprise her if he won, and so they break up and Regina throws all the jewelry he gave her at him and storms out of the car. Sandy! You can’t just walk out of a drive-in!
Now that she and Bruce are Splitsville, Regina decides to go to Switzerland after all, even though she wonders, “If a day without Bruce feels like a year, how will a year feel without him?” Three-hundred-sixty-five years, Regina; it’s simple math. And Bruce is beyond crushed about the breakup and needs someone to talk to, so why not turn to Liz Wakefield? Never mind that he tried to date rape her and take advantage of her sister and the fact that this need to chat makes no sense whatsoever. He tells Liz the troof about why he was running in the election, which has nothing to do with using Regina: “I was so happy to live in Sweet Valley after I met Regina, I wanted to give something back to the town.” BARF! Oh my God, I want nothing more than to be a SVH writer and turn out garbage like this.
Liz tells Bruce about Regina’s treatments and how Regina might not go to Switzerland if they got back together, so Bruce pens Regina a letter apologizing to her and explaining everything and calling her “my dearest.” I’m dying here. Liz sneaks the letter into Regina’s suitcase, and Regina reads it on the plane, and her heart explodes with love and joy and all that.
Meanwhile, even though Jess won the bet, Lila wrote Jess a crappy failing term paper while getting a B-minus herself. Jess swears to make her dear best friend pay. Will it have something to do with the foxy construction worker named Jack that Lila recently met? My crystal ball (and common sense) say yes…
Other Notes:
- This book also has a jillion subplots going on that never pander out to anything: some Liz and Todd drama, Mrs. Patman trying to outdo the Fowlers in terms of donations, and some pointless, formerly deaf dude named Donald Essex.
- Although Regina’s been deaf since birth, she speaks absolutely perfect. Right. And could you even imagine Bruce dating her if she didn’t?
- Ugh—Liz even invites Mr. Collins to the beach. Although he probably popped one at the very thought, he has the good sense to decline, but still. Appropriate much?
- One of the Morrows’ selling points on Regina having her hearing back is that she’ll be able to hear “babies crying.” Obviously they’ve never been trapped on an airplane in coach with that sweet soundtrack.
- Winston and his class-clowning-around are really annoying me in this story, I’m sad to say. He makes out with stuffed animals for a laugh. I guess we had to be there.
- The carnival is a great success, apparently: They made more than 800 dollars, but in terms of health care, isn’t that pretty much nothing?
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